Monthly Archives: February 2012

The skeleton key…what behaviors open doors?

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skeleton key (plural skeleton keys)

  1. A key that has parts filed away so that it will open a range of locks

When I think of a skeleton key, I think of one key that opens a variety of doors.  When it comes to your kid’s behaviors, I think about behaviors that result in a variety of options that were only made available after the behavior occurred.  The behavior “opened doors” that were previously “locked.”

“Open sesame!”

A child asks for chocolate chip cookies for snack.  The mother says, “no, you cannot have cookies for a snack.  You can either have bananas or blueberries.”

The child complains about how much he hates bananas, and the blueberries are too squishy.  This quickly turns into whining, mild tantrummy junk, and something that looks like a close cousin to a Riverdance.

The mother gasps and, as she opens the refrigerator and the pantry, says, “well, you could have these leftover strawberries, your yogurt or…well, what would you like OTHER than cookies?  You can’t have cookies!”

The child stops, pouts and grabs the yogurt from the refrigerator.  He stomps off.

What just happened?

The choices available to the kid changed or increased AFTER a series of protests.  She started with bananas and blueberries and, after the tantrum, presented the whole lot of the refrigerator and pantry.  Wow, that was nice.

The protest was the “skeleton key” in that it opened the door to choices that were not available before the protest happened.

Think about this a bit.  How many times do our kids get options after a crummy behavior they did not have before the crummy behavior.  Is your kid “opening doors” this way?

Here is another example

Your 12 year old is laying across the couch texting one of his girlfriends and your 5 year old daughter circles around him like a gnat.  The 12 year old swats her away, but the gnat is relentless.  You see what is going on and tell your daughter that her brother is busy, to “go play, while I make you dinner.”  She crosses her arms, stomps and says, “HE NEVER PLAYS WITH ME…” and starts crying.  You look at your son with those eyes that say “Please, son, help me out here.”  After a quick LOL and :), he puts down his phone and says, “What do you want to do, you little gnat?”  She smiles as she sets out the princess set.

Access to the brother was locked before she pouted and cried.  Access was granted after she cried.

Dinner is served

We have talked before about picky eaters and how behavior around the dinner table can ultimately be a skeleton key to more food choices or for less demands on what your kid needs to eat for dinner.  You’ll want to read that if you have not already: mealtime negotiations 

Isn’t this hard to avoid?

Yes.  But it is important to be aware of how your kid’s behavior opens doors that were not open before the behavior occurred.  Some “skeleton key” behaviors are desirable: calm requests for other choices, reasonable explanations for why something did not occur or cannot occur, or other behaviors that help the child successfully communicate in an appropriate way.  For example, “mom, my stomach got upset last time I had blueberries, can I have something else?”  Nice.  That request opens up a variety of “doors,” including the pantry and refrigerator.

So what do I do?

Be aware of the potential problem.  There are times you know that the choices are terrible and you are likely to get some resistance.  You know it.  All parents have been there.  

If there are options that you are OK with, give them up front…before the tantrum.  

A good example is the first story above: if you are OK with yogurt or the leftover strawberries, give those options up front.  If you are wrist deep in dinner, ask your son to help out with the little one before she starts begging and bothering him.  If you are OK with your son only eating 1 green bean then being done, serve 1 green bean.  If you will ultimately play with your son while over at a friend’s house TRYING to have a relaxing time, play up front, NOT after he bugs the heck out of you. This requires a bit of thinking on your feet and some effort up front when you might not think you have it, but you can do it.

If it does happen (and you have followed the recommendations above), leave it.  Don’t open the doors to more options.  If you are only OK with bananas or blueberries, then those are the choices.  Say, “sorry…we’ll have dinner in a bit” and move on.  If big brother is studying for the SAT, say, “your brother is busy” and ask your son to go to a place where he cannot be bothered.

Can you think of some situations where your kid used a “skeleton key” to open a door?

Don’t be shy…tell us your story on the BehaviorBandAid.com Facebook page

Football season over…when to “punt” as a parent

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There are times in every parent’s life (maybe more often than we expect) when we have to “punt,” which is to do something to make our kids comfortable when things don’t line up in their favor.  I’m here to give you permission to punt…lets talk about it.

Alright…lets face it: we can’t control everything that affects our kids’ behavior.  There is no way around that family reunion, the power is going to go off every now and then, your father-in-law is going to require everyone to sit together, including the 2 year old, to hear family stories “because they will appreciate it later.”  No-win situations for the kids (or for you if you don’t watch out).

These are opportunities for your child not to learn how to manage difficult situations. What I mean by that is, sometimes all I want a kid to do is NOT learn how to escape terrible situations by screaming and crying, NOT to freak out and hit cousin Millie because she has never been allowed to lose a game (and now she has), NOT to scream “I DONT CARE ABOUT MY GREAT GREAT AUNT, HALF REMOVED! (“what is ‘half removed anyway, Mommy?’”).  These are infrequent, but potentially powerful moments in parenting.  

Punting is OK.

Because these events are infrequent (and even if they are not), I am giving you permission to bring the DS, to bring the My Little Ponies, to allow Harry Potter to come along for the ride.  This is “the punt.”  Your goal is to get through the day, hour, half-our and sometimes the best treatment is preventative.

Now, don’t confuse me.  If you can control, either through practice or through management of the environment (making sure your kid doesn’t play Chutes and Ladders with Millie, leaving the party before Uncle Dave starts using “potty words” or speeding through the grocery to get the last minute items) absolutely do it.  You cannot win a game by punting all the time.  You can win if you punt at the time when the alternative ensures the loss. 

I have talked over and over about preparation and practice, and how important it is to expose your kids to difficult scenarios little by little to ensure success.  However, sometimes there is not a possible way to re-create or to practice a certain circumstance. You do not have ample control over the environment (the things, people and places you might run across), so you are at a loss before you start.  

So what is “the punt?”

“The punt” is what you would do to give into your kid when she starts protesting, but doing so BEFORE it happens (not after…that would be silly and would defeat the purpose).  Do not wait, just go ahead and let him bring the trains along to entertain himself, take advantage of a portable DVD player, YouTube on your iPhone for crying out loud (seriously, crying out really loud).  

DO THIS BEFORE THE BEHAVIOR OCCURS.

You know it is going to happen, heck you even want to rev up the engines and get out of there.  You ask for another glass of wine to get through it…the least you can do for your kid is to give her a little extra Elmo time to get her through.  You cannot force it…you will regret it.

Your family won’t remember your kid was in the other room watching TV, they will remember the massive tantrum during the 3rd course of dinner.  But that is not what this is about.  This is about NOT putting your kid in a situation where behavioral failure is inevitable.  You have been there before, you will be there again.

I give you permission to punt.  It might be the best defensive move your offense has made.

Should do??? Won’t do!! – How to get your kid to do what they should

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Just because you think your kid should be doing something does not mean that he will just up and do it one day…”just because he should.”

Look, there are a lot of things parents think their kids should do, but ultimately the question remains: IS he doing it?  If the answer to that question is ever “NO,” lets talk about it a bit more.

The source of this comment is usually about getting up in the morning, going to bed at night, completing chores, taking a bath, following general directions and simply being “respectful” to parents and other adults.  Here is the thing though…it has to have some benefit to the kid for him to do those things without throwing a fit, complaining, or pouting as he takes out the trash.  

Why most kids do what they should

Yes, some kids do such things so they can avoid making you mad, keep access to the game system, or simply preserve the ability to sit down without wincing (have a sense of humor…I am not saying spanking is a good idea).  There are also kids who do these things because they have sufficient experience with these things resulting in positive things such as praise, high fives, parental acceptance or even access to a little extra time in front of the TV or computer that night.  For a lot of kids, these two things are enough.

For some, it isn’t.  Here is the help:

To turn the should do into did do you need to begin with a three step shaping process:

1.  Arrange certain things to make the behavior more likely to occur.  This might mean shortening the task, making it less effortful, less time consuming or more interactive with someone fun (like YOU, for example). 

“Clean your room” becomes “pick up those socks, put those shoes under your bed and throw me that towel and we will get out of here!”  “Clean the bathroom” turns into “squirt some of this weird blue stuff around the inside of the toilet, flush it and lets go…”  “Get dressed” gets done by you going in, putting everything on but the socks and then saying “put your socks on and meet me in the kitchen for those awesome PopTarts.”

2.  Reinforce the completion of the task since you just made it much more likely to happen.  Be nice.  High five. A pleasant, “I appreciate you getting that done this morning.” 

Rewards have not been successful up to this point because the task was too aversive or too difficult.  The reward did not work because they never got access to it.  Now they have…now the reinforcer can begin to work.

3.  Slowly fade into higher levels of demand: “Here is your shirt, now all you need is your pants and socks…see you in a second,” “Make sure you get that towel off the floor too, please” or “rub that brush around in that blue toilet stuff before you flush then spray the shower while I get the movie going.”  

You see…to make sure something happens, whether or not YOU think it should, it sometimes means taking a few steps back to make it more likely to happen so you can reinforce it.  

You should do this…