Author Archives: BehaviorBandAid

Pick it up! An Easter egg hunt and dirty socks

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At the time I am writing this, we are closing out a week of Easter activities and fun. Amongst the chocolate bunnies with no ears, headless Peeps, and halves of plastic eggs in every corner of the house, I sat back and thought about how many times we had “egg hunts” this week. I chuckled to myself when I thought further about it…we threw a bunch of plastic around in the yard and the kids thought it was FUN to pick them up. Literally hundreds of kids at the neighborhood hunt lining up for an opportunity to fill their baskets. We spend the other 51 weeks of the year trying to get our kids to pick up after themselves, but they have been begging to pick up Easter eggs all week.

What can we learn from this? Continue reading →

Chores? Ugh.

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So far, much has been talked about on BehaviorBandAid about getting your kids to do something they might not want to do: The Premack principle (a must read), “sitting practice”, and the most recent post simply titled “how to get your kids to do what they should” are a few examples you might want to review.  Topics of reinforcement have been covered, even the one where I confronted the issue of some who say “he is just doing that because he gets an ice cream” and the difference between bribery and reinforcement.

But I think it is appropriate to be direct and specific about a four letter word around most families: CHORES (wait, that was 6 letters…you know what I mean).  How to get kids to start doing them, how to be more successful with a “chore” system, and the important question of “to pay or not to pay?”  Here are my thoughts.

  1. Plan ahead – Don’t wake up one morning and decide you are sick and tired of the house being a mess and “its about time those kids learn some responsibility.”  This is a process to teach your kids how to do chores and learn some responsibility, NOT to keep your house clean.  Think it out.  Where do you want to start?  When?  Choose a day when you will start and let your kids know.  Be prepared (AND in a good mood).
  2. Start small – “Clean your room” is NOT small.  It is also not specific enough.  When you start out (or restart after reading this), make the chore short and sweet, give guidance and have a very clearly defined measure of “done.”  I can’t tell you how important this is. For example, “Shoes in a line…just like this…under your bed…just like this.  You try.”  For now, that is all.  They have to know and it has to be appropriate to their age, NOT your desires for a clean room.  
  3. Be there to begin – Think of this as a delegation and you need to make sure you are there at the beginning of the process to make sure everything starts off correctly.  I recently heard on a Podcast with Steven M R Covey something that I thought was directly linked to this: “You cant expect what you don’t inspect.”  Put that on your refrigerator.
  4. Resist reacting poorly to resistance-  You are likely to get some resistance, especially if you go too fast or expect too much.  Use this as a bit of a barometer for how much you are asking, how well-defined and specific your criterion are, and fade back/move forward based on this.  DO NOT slide on the requirements directly after whining or add incentives AFTER the whining.  For example, you ask him to make sure his clothes are put away (as you have specifically defined that) and he whines, then you say, “How ‘bout we get some ice cream if you do it right” or “OK, just put away your shirts and I will do the rest…stop whining.”  Bad timing.  And please, dont get angry and FORCE it.  You will make chores more punishing than they already are.  Dr Glenn Latham said in his book, The Power of Positive Parenting, something to the effect of “a clean room is not worth a dirty relationship with your child.”  I highly recommend this book, by the way. 
  5. Gradually increase the demand – but make sure you are still very specific (even write it out if you have readers) about what the expectation for completion is.  Slowly but surely, “clean your room” will be an OK “chore” to require because you have, over time, defined it very clearly and have successfully increased the demands over time.  You might even have a checklist by this point that you can refer to when checking on things (ex.: shoes under bed in a line? Bed made with pillows under sheet and sheets not showing under the blanket, clothes off floor, etc.).  This length of this process depends on the age of your kid AND how successful they are.  The usual fault here is asking too much too quickly.  Be slow.  Remember, you are teaching them, not hiring them.
  6. Payment for services rendered? – There are a bunch of opinions about whether to pay allowances or not, or to pay for chore completion.  I will not lead you one way or the other, but will suggest there might be some benefit to using some reinforcers/rewards other than “because you should do it.”  For some families, I suggest simply having a “chore” a day (planned and following the rules above) and preferred activities (iPad, Nintendo, computer, etc.) will be available after that chore is completed.  Click here to see a post about that or  my thoughts on token systems/sticker charts if you want to learn more about that.  Some families do quite well with an allowance system.  I will suggest there is also something to be learned from the money management side, and for that, I suggest Dave Ramsey’s insight on this (if you are unfamiliar with Dave Ramsey, check him out at www.DaveRamsey.com.

A good plan and a good attitude will go a long way with this process.  I am sure there will be more to be said on this, but for now, let me know what you think, either here or on the BehaviorBandAid Facebook page.

Three strikes? Who’s out?

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Recently, on the BehaviorBandAid facebook page, I posted an article by renowned parenting expert, John Rosemond.  In this article, a mother asked a question about loud, screaming kids.  Apparently, when the kids play together, they are super loud, banging stuff…well, Im sure you get it. Kids being kids, but a little much for inside the house.

He proposed the “Three strike rule,” which is fairly simple: if the kids get too loud, they get 1 strike.  Loud again, two strikes, and after the third strike the two are separated from each other for an hour (“each in their respective rooms”).  After the hour, they can begin play again.  Three strikes two times in a day?  He says they spend the rest of the day in their rooms and go to bed early.

Here is why I am writing about this article:

  1. I don’t always agree with Rosemond, but there are some things in here I like
  2. If misused, you can be in some trouble
  3. Explain why this works and how this works so you are less likely to make those mistakes. Continue reading →

Separation Anxiety? A “pick-me-up” for school drop-offs

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“Separation anxiety,” from a behavioral point of view, is the same as any other behavior in that it is functional…it serves a purpose.  What purpose does it usually serve?  You ready?

I have been unreasonably hesitant to write about “separation anxiety” for some reason.  I openly talk to parents about it without problems, but I know it can encroach on some pretty sensitive grounds.  However, I do feel BehaviorBandAid is missing something if we don’t talk about it.  Here goes.

Lets define it.

For the purposes of this discussion, let me just say I am calling “separation anxiety” the crying, screaming, holding onto your left leg as you struggle (emotionally and physically) to get away behavior.  Your kid is scratching at the window, running out the door, kicking and screaming while the babysitter is wondering what she got herself into.  Misery.  We talked about some of this when we talked about getting your kids to bed.

This can be hard…

First, function

This shouldn’t surprise anyone, even those with the problem.  The function (read: “purpose”) of these behaviors is most likely regained access to you (assuming you are the one dropping them off or leaving them).

You try to leave….he cries…you return

You try to leave again…she screams and runs for you…you stay a little while longer

On top of that, when you return, it is usually a more comforting, nurturing version of you.  An extra few minutes, a few more good-bye kisses, a few more hugs, and a few more steps towards the door.

Take a look at this…

Did you see what just happened above?  Your kid does not want you to leave (a natural emotion) and crying, screaming and throwing a fit got you back to him.  It was FUNCTIONAL.  The emotional outburst was successful in getting him what he did not previously have…you.

For those that really have this problem, these things rarely help.  Your actions might even make it worse.  You know this, you are simply hesitant to do what I am about to tell you to do.

Stop, drop and roll

A teacher friend of mine has a saying about parent drop-off at her school in the morning.  She sees plenty of kids struggling to get out of the car with their parents, and plenty of parents struggling to let their kids go.  Her motto is: stop (your car), drop (off your kids) and roll (the hell out of the parking lot…see you at 3:00).

I’m not going to be that harsh, but she is close…because here is the secret:

Your kid is fine once you leave

Try this first.

If the problem is leaving your kid, create a good-bye routine.  Two high fives, a knuckle-bump and a hug, then you are out.  Practice it at home.  Leave her in her room and play like you are leaving at school or with a babysitter.  Let her know you will be back.  Come back later, but don’t make a huge deal over it…just tell her you will always be back.  Practice this…this is as much for you as it is for your kid.  Do it as much as possible, even at times when you are leaving when she usually does not have the problem.  This is what you do when you leave…every time.

On the way to school remind them of the “good-bye” deal.  Let them know you are into it.  When you get to school, do the good-bye routine and leave.  LEAVE.  Don’t come back.  Please.  Your kids are safe.  If you do not trust your kid’s teacher, you have a bad situation and a bigger problem.  If you do, your kid will be fine.  Leave.

You don’t love your kid less, you are not torturing them, and no, one more hug won’t help.  Put him down and leave…at this point it is about you…not your kid (OK, I said it).

Please understand why I am asking you to do this.  I am asking you to do this so you do not accidentally create a situation where your kid has more and more trouble being away from you and it actually turns into serious and real anxiety.  You are a safe and nurturing place…that is good.  That is the way it is supposed to be.  But, there are problems associated with your kid being dependent only on you for those things.  Her happiness and security relies on you being there.  Thats not good.  It will potentially keep your kids from exploring other things and being able to enjoy times away from you.  It will also exhaust you to the point where that one day, you finally say “thats enough” and you leave them in a complete mess at soccer camp, school or a friend’s house.  Don’t create that moment…prepare your kids for being away from you.  They will need that one day, and so will you.

 

 

“Doing nothing” is often better than “doing something”

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“I pull out my ammunition-my superior size, my position of authority-and yell or intimidate or I threaten or punish.  And I win.  I stand there, victorious, in the middle of the debris of a shattered relationship while my children are outwardly submissive and inwardly rebellious, suppressing feelings that will come out later in uglier ways” (Steven Covey,“The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People”).

            

Wow…read that again.  How often do you find yourself in this position?  

When we punish

I have mentioned this before: sometimes when we punish, we feel that it “worked” because it stopped the behavior in its tracks, affected the kid in some way (maybe he got upset, maybe she cried), and maybe resulted in an apology (“I’m sorry I kicked the dog, mommy,” “I’m sorry I slammed the door, daddy”).  Sometimes we feel bad, sometimes we actually apologize to our kids (as we should) when we react too impulsively and more based on our emotional state than the actual behavior that was exhibited.

With this, I have warned that the true sign of punishment “working” is the overall reduction of the behavior in the future AND the absence of any side effects.  The range of side effects of punishers are too many to list here, and, unfortunately, are often not realized until much later after the punishers have been used.   Be careful.

“Disrepect”

Specifically, for this conversation, I am talking mostly about when parents punish in some context of the child being “disrespectful,” “oppositional,” or “downright rude.”  It might be language, it might be interesting noises, or talking back to you.  Recently, our son realized that if you put a little more ummph into the word “NO,” that it takes on a new meaning.  This is the type of stuff I am talking about here.

I have to do something!

So many parents continue to inappropriately punish kids because the feel “something has to be done” or “I can’t just let him get away with that!” “She canNOT talk to me like that!”

Sad really.  What this communicates to me is,

“I have a feeling this is not the right thing to do, but I had to do something to let him know that was NOT OK.”  

Usually that “something” ranges from a harsh voice, a talk about “you cannot talk to me like that, I am your MOTHER” (usually accompanied by the old finger pointed towards their nose), removal of privileges or a swift one on the rear end.  But, we often know it isn’t the right thing to do.

Many times, doing “nothing” is the best “something”

There are many times when parents look at me like I have 3 eyes when I tell them, “don’t do a thing” when they ask, “what should I do when he does that?” My point is the conflict that follows usually does two things: reinforces the “disrespect” by piling a bunch of attention on it and creates more opportunities for the parent and child to continue to be “disrespectful” to each other.

Oh, yeah…there is a third thing:

Your kid will likely grow more argumentative and your relationship will suck.  I knew there was a third thing.

 Stop it…it takes 2 people to argue.  If you stop, the argument automatically stops.  

               

If your kid follows you when you are trying to walk away, you know your “doing nothing” is the right “something” to do.  You are taking away the attention and the conflict and your kid is trying to re-establish it.  Tell him you will talk when he has been calm for a while and move on.  Go read a book, watch Dr. Phil, check your Facebook.  You probably need to chill too.

“So, you just want me to take that?”

Nope, I want you to stop feeding the beast.  Doing nothing in these moments is actually doing something…not attending to the ridiculousness.

If this truly is a problem in your home, you will need to set up a way to respond to the behavior without responding to the kid.  I will explain that next time.  Until then, be mindful of the harm your “punishers” might be causing…  

…and catch up on some reading too: 

Putting the power on your side: a lesson in how to respond in advance to these behaviors.

Make up your mind about access to privileges: a lesson about access to privileges

The skeleton key…what behaviors open doors?

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skeleton key (plural skeleton keys)

  1. A key that has parts filed away so that it will open a range of locks

When I think of a skeleton key, I think of one key that opens a variety of doors.  When it comes to your kid’s behaviors, I think about behaviors that result in a variety of options that were only made available after the behavior occurred.  The behavior “opened doors” that were previously “locked.”

“Open sesame!”

A child asks for chocolate chip cookies for snack.  The mother says, “no, you cannot have cookies for a snack.  You can either have bananas or blueberries.”

The child complains about how much he hates bananas, and the blueberries are too squishy.  This quickly turns into whining, mild tantrummy junk, and something that looks like a close cousin to a Riverdance.

The mother gasps and, as she opens the refrigerator and the pantry, says, “well, you could have these leftover strawberries, your yogurt or…well, what would you like OTHER than cookies?  You can’t have cookies!”

The child stops, pouts and grabs the yogurt from the refrigerator.  He stomps off.

What just happened?

The choices available to the kid changed or increased AFTER a series of protests.  She started with bananas and blueberries and, after the tantrum, presented the whole lot of the refrigerator and pantry.  Wow, that was nice.

The protest was the “skeleton key” in that it opened the door to choices that were not available before the protest happened.

Think about this a bit.  How many times do our kids get options after a crummy behavior they did not have before the crummy behavior.  Is your kid “opening doors” this way?

Here is another example

Your 12 year old is laying across the couch texting one of his girlfriends and your 5 year old daughter circles around him like a gnat.  The 12 year old swats her away, but the gnat is relentless.  You see what is going on and tell your daughter that her brother is busy, to “go play, while I make you dinner.”  She crosses her arms, stomps and says, “HE NEVER PLAYS WITH ME…” and starts crying.  You look at your son with those eyes that say “Please, son, help me out here.”  After a quick LOL and :), he puts down his phone and says, “What do you want to do, you little gnat?”  She smiles as she sets out the princess set.

Access to the brother was locked before she pouted and cried.  Access was granted after she cried.

Dinner is served

We have talked before about picky eaters and how behavior around the dinner table can ultimately be a skeleton key to more food choices or for less demands on what your kid needs to eat for dinner.  You’ll want to read that if you have not already: mealtime negotiations 

Isn’t this hard to avoid?

Yes.  But it is important to be aware of how your kid’s behavior opens doors that were not open before the behavior occurred.  Some “skeleton key” behaviors are desirable: calm requests for other choices, reasonable explanations for why something did not occur or cannot occur, or other behaviors that help the child successfully communicate in an appropriate way.  For example, “mom, my stomach got upset last time I had blueberries, can I have something else?”  Nice.  That request opens up a variety of “doors,” including the pantry and refrigerator.

So what do I do?

Be aware of the potential problem.  There are times you know that the choices are terrible and you are likely to get some resistance.  You know it.  All parents have been there.  

If there are options that you are OK with, give them up front…before the tantrum.  

A good example is the first story above: if you are OK with yogurt or the leftover strawberries, give those options up front.  If you are wrist deep in dinner, ask your son to help out with the little one before she starts begging and bothering him.  If you are OK with your son only eating 1 green bean then being done, serve 1 green bean.  If you will ultimately play with your son while over at a friend’s house TRYING to have a relaxing time, play up front, NOT after he bugs the heck out of you. This requires a bit of thinking on your feet and some effort up front when you might not think you have it, but you can do it.

If it does happen (and you have followed the recommendations above), leave it.  Don’t open the doors to more options.  If you are only OK with bananas or blueberries, then those are the choices.  Say, “sorry…we’ll have dinner in a bit” and move on.  If big brother is studying for the SAT, say, “your brother is busy” and ask your son to go to a place where he cannot be bothered.

Can you think of some situations where your kid used a “skeleton key” to open a door?

Don’t be shy…tell us your story on the BehaviorBandAid.com Facebook page

Football season over…when to “punt” as a parent

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There are times in every parent’s life (maybe more often than we expect) when we have to “punt,” which is to do something to make our kids comfortable when things don’t line up in their favor.  I’m here to give you permission to punt…lets talk about it.

Alright…lets face it: we can’t control everything that affects our kids’ behavior.  There is no way around that family reunion, the power is going to go off every now and then, your father-in-law is going to require everyone to sit together, including the 2 year old, to hear family stories “because they will appreciate it later.”  No-win situations for the kids (or for you if you don’t watch out).

These are opportunities for your child not to learn how to manage difficult situations. What I mean by that is, sometimes all I want a kid to do is NOT learn how to escape terrible situations by screaming and crying, NOT to freak out and hit cousin Millie because she has never been allowed to lose a game (and now she has), NOT to scream “I DONT CARE ABOUT MY GREAT GREAT AUNT, HALF REMOVED! (“what is ‘half removed anyway, Mommy?’”).  These are infrequent, but potentially powerful moments in parenting.  

Punting is OK.

Because these events are infrequent (and even if they are not), I am giving you permission to bring the DS, to bring the My Little Ponies, to allow Harry Potter to come along for the ride.  This is “the punt.”  Your goal is to get through the day, hour, half-our and sometimes the best treatment is preventative.

Now, don’t confuse me.  If you can control, either through practice or through management of the environment (making sure your kid doesn’t play Chutes and Ladders with Millie, leaving the party before Uncle Dave starts using “potty words” or speeding through the grocery to get the last minute items) absolutely do it.  You cannot win a game by punting all the time.  You can win if you punt at the time when the alternative ensures the loss. 

I have talked over and over about preparation and practice, and how important it is to expose your kids to difficult scenarios little by little to ensure success.  However, sometimes there is not a possible way to re-create or to practice a certain circumstance. You do not have ample control over the environment (the things, people and places you might run across), so you are at a loss before you start.  

So what is “the punt?”

“The punt” is what you would do to give into your kid when she starts protesting, but doing so BEFORE it happens (not after…that would be silly and would defeat the purpose).  Do not wait, just go ahead and let him bring the trains along to entertain himself, take advantage of a portable DVD player, YouTube on your iPhone for crying out loud (seriously, crying out really loud).  

DO THIS BEFORE THE BEHAVIOR OCCURS.

You know it is going to happen, heck you even want to rev up the engines and get out of there.  You ask for another glass of wine to get through it…the least you can do for your kid is to give her a little extra Elmo time to get her through.  You cannot force it…you will regret it.

Your family won’t remember your kid was in the other room watching TV, they will remember the massive tantrum during the 3rd course of dinner.  But that is not what this is about.  This is about NOT putting your kid in a situation where behavioral failure is inevitable.  You have been there before, you will be there again.

I give you permission to punt.  It might be the best defensive move your offense has made.