Author Archives: BehaviorBandAid

Crying: emotional response or behavioral tool? You decide

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As parents, we are told to ignore a lot. There are certain things that are no-brainers, but then there are situations that present more difficult choices for parents to make. This is especially true when it seems there is an emotional component to the child’s behavior.

Crying is one of those behaviors.

Trying to figure out when crying is an emotional response vs. a behavioral tool (something your kid uses to get something or to avoid something) can be difficult. We all know our children learn their behaviors can be functional in many ways. It can get them access to things they need, it can get them escape from things they don’t want and it can also communicate a need for nurturing and attention.

This is all very healthy.

But, there are times when you do not want your child to use crying (or other behaviors that will not serve them well in the future) as a do-all tool. Kids crying at the drop of a hat when things don’t go their way. Immediately crying when another kid takes their new Hot Wheels car or doesn’t take turns correctly. We know what these people are like when they grow up and you don’t want your kid to be one.

Try to be aware of the times when your kid is possibly crying as a behavior tool rather than an emotional response to something. Are you teaching them that crying is a functional tool to get something they want? Are you teaching them crying is a way to get out of something they don’t want to do?

Here is a trick: do they stop crying immediately when you do something?

That is a sign the crying was most likely being used as a tool. When was the last time you were able to stop your true emotional crying at the drop of a hat?

True emotional crying takes some recovery time, does it not?

Teach them more functional ways to communicate and respond to when things don’t go their way.

Be compassionate, but be careful. Sometimes the most compassionate thing you can do is make sure the crying (as a behavioral tool) does not work for them.

5 things “normal” kids do – and when to ask questions

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Alright, lets face it: every parent wants to know if their kid is “normal.” From percentile of head circumference at the first pediatrician visit to the grading scale in 4th grade and through high school. “Normal” is good for parents.

I hear it a lot… 

Is that normal? 

Here is my list of 5 things “NORMAL” kids do (and when you might want to ask more questions)

1. Kids tantrum –

All kids tantrum. Maybe some are louder, some kick more, some say awful things, and are overall more intense. But, all kids tantrum.I do not have to define it here, because most of you reading this know exactly what I’m talking about. Even really nasty tantrums with really nasty things said towards you are normal.

When you should get someone else to look into it – 

There is not a number or specific behavior I can tell you that should trigger you looking into more help. I wish I could. But, if your kid’s tantrums are starting to take over the day and plans for what you would do on regular occasions, it might be something you should ask your pediatrician  (or me) about.

If you regularly and consistently exhaust yourself tip-toeing around and not doing things you would normally do to avoid situations when your kid might tantrum, you might need some advice. Basically, if it begins to affect your everyday life…ask questions of someone who can specifically talk to you about your kid.

2. Aggression happens – 

Not all kids are aggressive (hitting, kicking, biting, spitting, pushing, etc.), but it is normal. These behaviors occur for a variety of reasons and not all are “aggressive” in nature, but fulfill other more simple needs. I won’t go into all those reasons here and now, but know that this is a normal thing. Pay attention, but dont lose sleep over it.

When you should get someone else to look into it – 

My answer here is very similar to the one above. But, with aggression, you have to be aware and careful about the effect the behavior has on others. Is your kid really hurting other kids regularly and consistently? If so, you might want to sit down and come up with a plan…assess what you think is going on and address it. 

I will be honest, our oldest child had a period of time in preschool when he bit other kids in his class. After the 3rd time or so (he also bit my wife a few times), we sat down and discussed it with each other and the administrator at the school. We suggested some simple changes and it went away quickly (if not immediately).  

If it is not clear and the behavior gets more consistent and grows in intensity, you might want to ask someone about it. Again, I’m assuming a period of time across several weeks or a month, but don’t let this one get away, the effects down the road can be a bit more difficult to manage.

3. They say “NO” – 

I’m not even going to call this “oppositional,” because it is simply part of being a normal kid. “Not listening” and/or “not following directions” is as normal as it gets. Even saying, “NO” with gusto or with the added benefit of arms crossed, lips pooched out, or the ol’ foot stomp on the floor. NORMAL.

When you should get someone else to look into it –

If “no” consistently turns into tantrums and into aggression. Follow the directions above. Otherwise, follow through with some of the suggestions I have given before, sit back and know there are millions of parents in the same exact spot you are.  

4. They don’t like it when you leave – 

It is completely normal for kids to be a hint clingy when you leave them, especially if it is at a new place or with new people. Consider it normal. Even brief crying or walking to the door at school is normal. Dont worry, it is not a sign that they are being tortured by your absence…its just part of being a kid.

When you should get someone else to look into it – 

With all that said above (that it is normal), it should give you good reason and permission to let go of them and go about your day. Since it is normal, let the process take place. Say goodbye and let them be normal. This one can also get a little tricky to, so read my post on separation anxiety and do those things if you are having problems.

5. Dinner time duals –

Look, kids don’t want to eat broccoli more than you do. You think since you are an adult and all grown-up now with kids that broccoli, spinach, and carrots all of a sudden taste better? Let me take a look at your face when I take you to the new Vietnamese restaurant downtown and put something in front of you that you have never seen before (and looks like its still moving). Most kids are going to buck at the dinner table with new foods or foods that don’t taste or look like chicken nuggets. Dinner time becoming a nightmare? NORMAL.

When you should get someone else to look into it –

I have written a bunch about introducing new foods to your kids and dealing with food selectivity problems (i.e., “our little picky eater”), so check out these posts.

We also have had times at our house when we had to specifically and proactively attack food selectivity problems. It was as much of our problem as it was the kids’ since it is a lot easier to heat up a few meatballs, tear open a few strings of cheese, and open some “Dora yogurt” than it is to systematically work through carrots and rice. But, when we did, our efforts were worth it as those times have passed  (as much as it will for a 4 and 2 year old). If you believe your child’s picky eating is affecting his or her health, ask your doc.

Oh, and if you are still worried about these things…YOU are normal. Stay involved, stay informed, and stay with me here…I’ll help.

Hold my hand

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Make sure you hold your kid’s hands when you are doing fun things and going to fun places instead of only grabbing their hands when you are doing not-so-fun things and taking them to places they dont want to be (e.g., time out, dentist, away from their play partners, etc.).

I have seen teachers and parents reach out their hands and the kids start walking (or running away from them). Yes, sometimes this is the kid trying to engage in an ill-timed game of chase, but it showed me the kids knew what was about to happen…only by seeing that outstretched hand.

In the case of a recent trip to a preschool playground, the teacher reached her hand out and it meant, “you have to come off the playground and go potty.” Those kids weren’t going down that easy. But it is not always when the kids had to leave the playground…it was at other times when leaving might have been something they wanted to do, they just did not know, so I think they were banking on their experiences of, more often than not, being taken somewhere they did not want to go (otherwise, they would have simply walked themselves).

If you need to take your child by the hand when they are unlikely to come to you…go to them. Don’t hold your hand out from 20 feet away when you are telling your kids its time to leave the pool. Its not likely to happen and you might run the risk of your outstretched hand becoming a warning sign saying, “RUN!”

Have fun when holding hands…they won’t treat you as if you have cooties on your hand at other times when it is more important for them to be with you.

Watch this…you dont want to teach them that when you reach for their hand it means something bad is about to happen.

A Powerful Face

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The more powerful your face is, the more powerful your back can be

     

This is a statement I use pretty frequently with parents and I think it deserves a little more explanation. I have talked about it a little in previous posts about ignoring, attention seekers and several thoughts of the day, but I wanted to talk about this specifically and all the things I mean when I say it. Let me break it down, then I will explain.

The more powerful your face = the more powerful, frequent and consistent your positive attention is towards your kid’s appropriate behavior

…the more powerful your back can be = the more effective ignoring will be in reducing the likelihood of inappropriate or undesirable behavior

Attention can be a powerful reinforcer 

This is huge for so many parents. Your kids want, need, and desire your attention. They will get it one way or the other. This is a good thing. Your kids want to be around you, they want you to pay attention to them. It is valuable to them. Very cool. 

You get what you pay for (you get what behaviors you pay attention to)

The bad news about this is if you are not giving your kids ample attention for the good stuff (even though some of the good stuff can be a bit annoying at times…I get it), they WILL get your attention in some other way.

They will engage in behavior that will REQUIRE your attention. Loud noises, screaming siblings, crashes in the bathroom, pulling on your pants leg, dancing around you singing some weird song from “Yo Gabba Gabba.” You can only handle so much of that, so you attend…whoops.

Many times, parents who experience trouble from their kids (especially older kids who have just experienced the divided attention that comes with the “new addition” of a little brother or sister) simply need to focus on spending more undivided attention with the older child. Front loading the attention with special outings, 1:1 time can be essential and really helpful to keep that child’s “cup filled.”

Ignoring can also be a powerful tool    

Yes, it can be. If your kid is freaking out, sticking gummy bears in her nose, or saying “I pooted, I pooted” and looking at you when doing it, it is totally cool to ignore that. They are likely doing it for the effect: your shock response, a laugh, a conversation about “nice words,” getting you off the phone, etc. Ignoring a behavior that is an attention seeker can be a very effective way to reduce the likelihood of the behavior again. 

Please watch this video for the effect. You will regret not looking at this. Please!

   

Here are the problems you need to be aware of 

1. If you ignore your kid too much, you are going to have problems. If you ignore everything (exaggeration, but you get it), ignoring the inappropriate or undesirable behavior will not look any different to them. Their experiences with your response to appropriate behavior and inappropriate behavior will be the same. This sucks, so be careful. 

2. Escalations can and will occur. If you ignore the smaller stuff, your kid might get louder, go longer, and get more and more annoying to you to the point where you break down and react or when things get dangerous and out of control so you have to respond. This gets worse and worse if you attend less and less to the appropriate behavior. Go back to #1 if you have this problem.

Learn from your experiences here. 

If you frequently find yourself having to pull away from what you are doing to pay attention to some craziness or you feel like your kid is always after you…they likely are telling you to spend more 1:1 time with them.

Don’t be oversold on this “ignore inappropriate behavior” thing. It is hard to do and has some pretty tough side effects if you are not in a position to do it well. Pay attention to the good stuff. Be effortful towards this. The more you do this, the more ignoring the other stuff will work.

Be sure to check out the posts I linked to for more on this.

Attention seekers

Pay attention to the kid, not the behavior



photo by Elessar and johnharveytolson via Flickr



Words matter – Watch your mouth!

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WATCH YOUR MOUTH!

Slight changes in how you say things can make a huge difference in the way your kid responds to you. It really might seem simple and ridiculous, but trust me. It’s not magical (and certainly not a “transformation”), but every little bit helps.

Here are a few to compare.

  • “Get to” instead of “have to.” For example, “we get to go to the store after lunch” instead of “we have to go to the store after lunch.” To emphasize this, say these two things out loud: “do we have to?” vs. “do we get to?”
  • “As soon as you_____, you can______” instead of “you won’t be able to_____ unless you_____.”
  • “If you dont” (negative consequence) replaced with “when you do” (positive consequence). This one is hard sometimes…practice this one.
  • “Where do those go?” instead of “put your _____ where they need to go”
  • “I love it when you _______” instead of “I really hate it when you ______.” There are several versions of this one that every parent has used at one point in time. Thats ok. No worries…just be aware. Keep the sarcasm (hard for me…I must admit).

Check out the Facebook page to add to the conversation and put in your suggestions.

DO YOU HAVE ANY OTHER EXAMPLES?

Come play with me! 7 tips for more successful playdates

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There have been several occasions when moms have asked about play dates: how to make them more successful, how to get kids to play together without ripping each other’s head off, and how to get them to play away from the parents. These are all very nice things. These are all things we all want for our kids.

However, sometimes it does not come that naturally.

Here are the barriers I have heard:

“He wants to go over, but as soon as we get there, he crawls and hides behind me and acts like I’m about to throw him to the wolves. He ends up playing right beside me or forcing me to play with him with the other kid(s)…not the point.”

“She plays great with everyone else, but there is this one kid she just cannot stand to be around. They seem to be friends sometimes, but I am starting to think they just don’t like each other. The problem is, her mother is my (best friend/sister/sister in-law/etc) and we are going to be together. It’s not like I can avoid going over there, even though I already do that some.”

“He will not play unless it is his idea. If someone else wants to play something else, he will do his own thing or force them to play his game.” (The opposite of this is also true in which the kid in question goes along with everything like a trained seal, even though he hates playing Legos).

Well, there is hope.

Sometimes it simply takes more effort to make it work. Put down the Mojito and join in the fun.

Here’s what to do:

1. Like I have mentioned before, if you get that feeling in your gut that things are going to go poorly, they probably are. Don’t wait for the disaster. Prevention and teaching in the moment will be the greatest cure.

2. Plan ahead. A lot of times kids do not do well managing the wide open opportunity of “go play with your friend.” Before you go over, think of several games/activities your kids can do while they are together. Present the options at the outset of the play date. Make it fun, be excited.

3. Start each activity with them to make sure it gets off to a good start and everyone is doing their part. If you have problems with turn taking, and there is turn taking involved, you might want to stick around for a bit to make a big deal about “your turn!” Many times parents wait too long to do this and end up intervening after things have gone bad. Don’t wait.

4. End it before they do. Often problems arise because the kids have difficulty managing the end of an activity just as much as they do the beginning. What usually happens is one of them wants to stop and the other does not. This is when you will hear the footsteps, “mooooommmmy, he doesn’t want to play with me anymore.” Use your instincts (or the clock on the kitchen counter) and go in and check to make sure they don’t want to move onto something else (remember, your list of activities?) before they declare the game or activity over: “Hey, guys…you having fun? Do you want to keep playing here, or do you want to go make brownies?”

5. Give them the language. It is always helpful to give your kids things to say in certain situations and to practice that ahead of time. Say, “no, thank you,” “can we share that?” or “you did awesome.” Pay attention to the language they use and make a big deal about it.

6. If you have a kid who is clingy at these times, it is important to do all these things ahead of time, before he has the chance to cling on you. I do not want him or her to get more access to you after clinging to you. Be involved more at the get-go and slowly encourage more and more independent play. Fade out slowly. Come back often at first, then fade back more.

7. Lastly, if all else fails and things do not go well and the kids are not playing nicely and are mean to each other, it is often a good idea to give them time to play by themselves. One of two things is true: a) they want to play together and they will be motivated to do so and, therefore, limit the meanness in the future, or b) they really don’t like each other and simply want to play by themselves.  If b) is true more often than not, you need to do more work on the front end. It will be more effortful, but follow the steps above and see what happens.

Some of you might have kids who would never realize you were gone and would make grilled cheeses for themselves and their friends if they got hungry.

Awesome. Take a break, catch up on The Hunger Games and get a tan in the backyard. For the rest of us…try these things and remember: prevention, prevention.

What are your playdate experiences?

Thought of the day – 5/10/12

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I would rather laugh about being over prepared than cry about being underprepared.

I would rather the table next to me see me playing a game with my kids while waiting on dinner than see me carrying them out wailing and screaming.

I would rather my kid repeat something nice I just taught him to say to a friend and praise it than wait for him to say something that might not be as nice and punish him.

I would rather go ahead and put half the shoes away to make it more likely she will finish her task when I ask her than ask her to do something I know she is not likely to do.

I would rather set up opportunities where all I have to do is reinforce appropriate behavior than wait to punish the inappropriate behaviors to “teach a lesson.”

I would rather say “as soon as you…” than “if you ever do that again…”


What would you rather do?