Category Archives: Uncategorized

“Doing nothing” is often better than “doing something”

Posted on by
Reply

“I pull out my ammunition-my superior size, my position of authority-and yell or intimidate or I threaten or punish.  And I win.  I stand there, victorious, in the middle of the debris of a shattered relationship while my children are outwardly submissive and inwardly rebellious, suppressing feelings that will come out later in uglier ways” (Steven Covey,“The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People”).

            

Wow…read that again.  How often do you find yourself in this position?  

When we punish

I have mentioned this before: sometimes when we punish, we feel that it “worked” because it stopped the behavior in its tracks, affected the kid in some way (maybe he got upset, maybe she cried), and maybe resulted in an apology (“I’m sorry I kicked the dog, mommy,” “I’m sorry I slammed the door, daddy”).  Sometimes we feel bad, sometimes we actually apologize to our kids (as we should) when we react too impulsively and more based on our emotional state than the actual behavior that was exhibited.

With this, I have warned that the true sign of punishment “working” is the overall reduction of the behavior in the future AND the absence of any side effects.  The range of side effects of punishers are too many to list here, and, unfortunately, are often not realized until much later after the punishers have been used.   Be careful.

“Disrepect”

Specifically, for this conversation, I am talking mostly about when parents punish in some context of the child being “disrespectful,” “oppositional,” or “downright rude.”  It might be language, it might be interesting noises, or talking back to you.  Recently, our son realized that if you put a little more ummph into the word “NO,” that it takes on a new meaning.  This is the type of stuff I am talking about here.

I have to do something!

So many parents continue to inappropriately punish kids because the feel “something has to be done” or “I can’t just let him get away with that!” “She canNOT talk to me like that!”

Sad really.  What this communicates to me is,

“I have a feeling this is not the right thing to do, but I had to do something to let him know that was NOT OK.”  

Usually that “something” ranges from a harsh voice, a talk about “you cannot talk to me like that, I am your MOTHER” (usually accompanied by the old finger pointed towards their nose), removal of privileges or a swift one on the rear end.  But, we often know it isn’t the right thing to do.

Many times, doing “nothing” is the best “something”

There are many times when parents look at me like I have 3 eyes when I tell them, “don’t do a thing” when they ask, “what should I do when he does that?” My point is the conflict that follows usually does two things: reinforces the “disrespect” by piling a bunch of attention on it and creates more opportunities for the parent and child to continue to be “disrespectful” to each other.

Oh, yeah…there is a third thing:

Your kid will likely grow more argumentative and your relationship will suck.  I knew there was a third thing.

 Stop it…it takes 2 people to argue.  If you stop, the argument automatically stops.  

               

If your kid follows you when you are trying to walk away, you know your “doing nothing” is the right “something” to do.  You are taking away the attention and the conflict and your kid is trying to re-establish it.  Tell him you will talk when he has been calm for a while and move on.  Go read a book, watch Dr. Phil, check your Facebook.  You probably need to chill too.

“So, you just want me to take that?”

Nope, I want you to stop feeding the beast.  Doing nothing in these moments is actually doing something…not attending to the ridiculousness.

If this truly is a problem in your home, you will need to set up a way to respond to the behavior without responding to the kid.  I will explain that next time.  Until then, be mindful of the harm your “punishers” might be causing…  

…and catch up on some reading too: 

Putting the power on your side: a lesson in how to respond in advance to these behaviors.

Make up your mind about access to privileges: a lesson about access to privileges

The skeleton key…what behaviors open doors?

Posted on by
1

         

skeleton key (plural skeleton keys)

  1. A key that has parts filed away so that it will open a range of locks

When I think of a skeleton key, I think of one key that opens a variety of doors.  When it comes to your kid’s behaviors, I think about behaviors that result in a variety of options that were only made available after the behavior occurred.  The behavior “opened doors” that were previously “locked.”

“Open sesame!”

A child asks for chocolate chip cookies for snack.  The mother says, “no, you cannot have cookies for a snack.  You can either have bananas or blueberries.”

The child complains about how much he hates bananas, and the blueberries are too squishy.  This quickly turns into whining, mild tantrummy junk, and something that looks like a close cousin to a Riverdance.

The mother gasps and, as she opens the refrigerator and the pantry, says, “well, you could have these leftover strawberries, your yogurt or…well, what would you like OTHER than cookies?  You can’t have cookies!”

The child stops, pouts and grabs the yogurt from the refrigerator.  He stomps off.

What just happened?

The choices available to the kid changed or increased AFTER a series of protests.  She started with bananas and blueberries and, after the tantrum, presented the whole lot of the refrigerator and pantry.  Wow, that was nice.

The protest was the “skeleton key” in that it opened the door to choices that were not available before the protest happened.

Think about this a bit.  How many times do our kids get options after a crummy behavior they did not have before the crummy behavior.  Is your kid “opening doors” this way?

Here is another example

Your 12 year old is laying across the couch texting one of his girlfriends and your 5 year old daughter circles around him like a gnat.  The 12 year old swats her away, but the gnat is relentless.  You see what is going on and tell your daughter that her brother is busy, to “go play, while I make you dinner.”  She crosses her arms, stomps and says, “HE NEVER PLAYS WITH ME…” and starts crying.  You look at your son with those eyes that say “Please, son, help me out here.”  After a quick LOL and :), he puts down his phone and says, “What do you want to do, you little gnat?”  She smiles as she sets out the princess set.

Access to the brother was locked before she pouted and cried.  Access was granted after she cried.

Dinner is served

We have talked before about picky eaters and how behavior around the dinner table can ultimately be a skeleton key to more food choices or for less demands on what your kid needs to eat for dinner.  You’ll want to read that if you have not already: mealtime negotiations 

Isn’t this hard to avoid?

Yes.  But it is important to be aware of how your kid’s behavior opens doors that were not open before the behavior occurred.  Some “skeleton key” behaviors are desirable: calm requests for other choices, reasonable explanations for why something did not occur or cannot occur, or other behaviors that help the child successfully communicate in an appropriate way.  For example, “mom, my stomach got upset last time I had blueberries, can I have something else?”  Nice.  That request opens up a variety of “doors,” including the pantry and refrigerator.

So what do I do?

Be aware of the potential problem.  There are times you know that the choices are terrible and you are likely to get some resistance.  You know it.  All parents have been there.  

If there are options that you are OK with, give them up front…before the tantrum.  

A good example is the first story above: if you are OK with yogurt or the leftover strawberries, give those options up front.  If you are wrist deep in dinner, ask your son to help out with the little one before she starts begging and bothering him.  If you are OK with your son only eating 1 green bean then being done, serve 1 green bean.  If you will ultimately play with your son while over at a friend’s house TRYING to have a relaxing time, play up front, NOT after he bugs the heck out of you. This requires a bit of thinking on your feet and some effort up front when you might not think you have it, but you can do it.

If it does happen (and you have followed the recommendations above), leave it.  Don’t open the doors to more options.  If you are only OK with bananas or blueberries, then those are the choices.  Say, “sorry…we’ll have dinner in a bit” and move on.  If big brother is studying for the SAT, say, “your brother is busy” and ask your son to go to a place where he cannot be bothered.

Can you think of some situations where your kid used a “skeleton key” to open a door?

Don’t be shy…tell us your story on the BehaviorBandAid.com Facebook page

Football season over…when to “punt” as a parent

Posted on by
Reply

             

There are times in every parent’s life (maybe more often than we expect) when we have to “punt,” which is to do something to make our kids comfortable when things don’t line up in their favor.  I’m here to give you permission to punt…lets talk about it.

Alright…lets face it: we can’t control everything that affects our kids’ behavior.  There is no way around that family reunion, the power is going to go off every now and then, your father-in-law is going to require everyone to sit together, including the 2 year old, to hear family stories “because they will appreciate it later.”  No-win situations for the kids (or for you if you don’t watch out).

These are opportunities for your child not to learn how to manage difficult situations. What I mean by that is, sometimes all I want a kid to do is NOT learn how to escape terrible situations by screaming and crying, NOT to freak out and hit cousin Millie because she has never been allowed to lose a game (and now she has), NOT to scream “I DONT CARE ABOUT MY GREAT GREAT AUNT, HALF REMOVED! (“what is ‘half removed anyway, Mommy?’”).  These are infrequent, but potentially powerful moments in parenting.  

Punting is OK.

Because these events are infrequent (and even if they are not), I am giving you permission to bring the DS, to bring the My Little Ponies, to allow Harry Potter to come along for the ride.  This is “the punt.”  Your goal is to get through the day, hour, half-our and sometimes the best treatment is preventative.

Now, don’t confuse me.  If you can control, either through practice or through management of the environment (making sure your kid doesn’t play Chutes and Ladders with Millie, leaving the party before Uncle Dave starts using “potty words” or speeding through the grocery to get the last minute items) absolutely do it.  You cannot win a game by punting all the time.  You can win if you punt at the time when the alternative ensures the loss. 

I have talked over and over about preparation and practice, and how important it is to expose your kids to difficult scenarios little by little to ensure success.  However, sometimes there is not a possible way to re-create or to practice a certain circumstance. You do not have ample control over the environment (the things, people and places you might run across), so you are at a loss before you start.  

So what is “the punt?”

“The punt” is what you would do to give into your kid when she starts protesting, but doing so BEFORE it happens (not after…that would be silly and would defeat the purpose).  Do not wait, just go ahead and let him bring the trains along to entertain himself, take advantage of a portable DVD player, YouTube on your iPhone for crying out loud (seriously, crying out really loud).  

DO THIS BEFORE THE BEHAVIOR OCCURS.

You know it is going to happen, heck you even want to rev up the engines and get out of there.  You ask for another glass of wine to get through it…the least you can do for your kid is to give her a little extra Elmo time to get her through.  You cannot force it…you will regret it.

Your family won’t remember your kid was in the other room watching TV, they will remember the massive tantrum during the 3rd course of dinner.  But that is not what this is about.  This is about NOT putting your kid in a situation where behavioral failure is inevitable.  You have been there before, you will be there again.

I give you permission to punt.  It might be the best defensive move your offense has made.

Should do??? Won’t do!! – How to get your kid to do what they should

Posted on by
4

     

Just because you think your kid should be doing something does not mean that he will just up and do it one day…”just because he should.”

Look, there are a lot of things parents think their kids should do, but ultimately the question remains: IS he doing it?  If the answer to that question is ever “NO,” lets talk about it a bit more.

The source of this comment is usually about getting up in the morning, going to bed at night, completing chores, taking a bath, following general directions and simply being “respectful” to parents and other adults.  Here is the thing though…it has to have some benefit to the kid for him to do those things without throwing a fit, complaining, or pouting as he takes out the trash.  

Why most kids do what they should

Yes, some kids do such things so they can avoid making you mad, keep access to the game system, or simply preserve the ability to sit down without wincing (have a sense of humor…I am not saying spanking is a good idea).  There are also kids who do these things because they have sufficient experience with these things resulting in positive things such as praise, high fives, parental acceptance or even access to a little extra time in front of the TV or computer that night.  For a lot of kids, these two things are enough.

For some, it isn’t.  Here is the help:

To turn the should do into did do you need to begin with a three step shaping process:

1.  Arrange certain things to make the behavior more likely to occur.  This might mean shortening the task, making it less effortful, less time consuming or more interactive with someone fun (like YOU, for example). 

“Clean your room” becomes “pick up those socks, put those shoes under your bed and throw me that towel and we will get out of here!”  “Clean the bathroom” turns into “squirt some of this weird blue stuff around the inside of the toilet, flush it and lets go…”  “Get dressed” gets done by you going in, putting everything on but the socks and then saying “put your socks on and meet me in the kitchen for those awesome PopTarts.”

2.  Reinforce the completion of the task since you just made it much more likely to happen.  Be nice.  High five. A pleasant, “I appreciate you getting that done this morning.” 

Rewards have not been successful up to this point because the task was too aversive or too difficult.  The reward did not work because they never got access to it.  Now they have…now the reinforcer can begin to work.

3.  Slowly fade into higher levels of demand: “Here is your shirt, now all you need is your pants and socks…see you in a second,” “Make sure you get that towel off the floor too, please” or “rub that brush around in that blue toilet stuff before you flush then spray the shower while I get the movie going.”  

You see…to make sure something happens, whether or not YOU think it should, it sometimes means taking a few steps back to make it more likely to happen so you can reinforce it.  

You should do this…

Teaching your kid to be a “people person”

Posted on by
Reply

      

“Your kids are so polite.” 

“What a little gentleman.  What is your name, little boy?”

Oh, the smiles of proud parents when this happens.  Your child being publicly recognized for good behavior is about as good as it gets for parents.  Bigger deal for kids?  ABSOLUTELY, here is why:

So much of how we behave is maintained by social consequences. 

Making people smile, doing things not to embarrass yourself in front of your spouse’s boss, receiving compliments, “looking good,” the list goes on.  The power of following social rules and social boundaries is huge.   Receiving social acceptance and avoiding social disgrace is makes us tick.  Here is an example I use in many of my trainings:

Picture yourself at a red-light in a town far away from home.  There are cars on both sides of you.  You get an itch on the inside of your left nostril.  CRAP.

Do you scratch it? 

Most people smile and look around nervously, even as I tell the story.  The truth is, in most cases we will NOT scratch the inside of our nose simply because one of those people (who you will NEVER, EVER see again) might, JUST MAYBE, think you are picking your nose.  How embarrassing.

Need anymore evidence of how much social consequences play a part in our behavior?

Back to your kids. 

As they grow up, many of their behaviors will occur outside of your reach.  These behaviors will be reinforced by those around them: friends, teachers, coaches, even strangers on the street.  It is important for you to begin to teach your kids how to best access the best kinds of social consequences: praise, smiles, compliments, etc.  We talked about this a bit before when talking about the Suzuki method and “teaching the bow.”  If you have not read that, please do so…very cool story.

Politeness.  Manners.  Introducing themselves, shaking hands (even at early ages), saying, “excuse me,” “potty” or “restroom” instead of “I gotta poop.”  Go ahead and teach them to raise their hand.  It is amazing how people respond when young kids do these things.  It is a powerful force. 

It also allows you to follow up the public praise with some of your own: “did you see how amazed that guy was when you said, ‘excuse me, sir.’  That was so awesome.”

Try it.  Do something simple.  Prompt it next time a friend comes over.  Teach your son to shake hands, teach your daughter to say, “would you like something to drink.”  I think they (and you) will be surprised and pleased.

This is your last warning!

Posted on by
Reply

                 

WARNINGS are not a consequence for misbehavior…I’m warning you!

There are times when a simple warning or cautious reminder is appropriate as a response to a minor undesirable or even a moderate misbehavior:  

“Hey, remember you need to keep your hands to yourself or I will ask you to put your toys away.”

 ”I’m just reminding you if you throw your fork, you will not get your dessert”

In this way, warnings can be effective as reminders of consequences to follow continued misbehavior. 

However, warnings themselves are not consequences. 

The power of a warning comes from its association (i.e. experience your kid has) with the delivery of another specific consequence following the warning. Whether it is the loss of a toy, removal from a fun activity, or some other consequence you have already determined (hopefully), the effect of your warnings will be a direct result of how predictive the warning is of the consequence.  

What does that mean?  

It simply means if you want your warnings to be effective as a “hey, don’t do that again” tool following some misbehavior, your kid needs to have experience with the fact that the consequence is the next thing coming down the line.  The only way they will learn this is through experience.

Follow these guidelines:

1.  Warnings should occur one time before delivering the actual consequence. This helps with the connection. “Stop or I will say to stop again,” comes to mind.  We have talked before about the whole “I’m counting to 5” nonsense, so this should not be news. Therefore, if you make a warning, you better be ready to follow through.  If you are not, figure something else to do instead.

2.  Please, do not make your warnings in question form, “do you want me to take those trains away?” Stop it.  You sound ridiculous.  What do you expect them to say?

3.  All warnings should be stated in an unemotional tone of voice simply as a reminder of the consequence. 

4.  Finally, but maybe most importantly, warnings are more effective when paired with positive consequences that can be earned for changing the behavior to a positive one. For example,

“Remember, if you keep your hands to yourself, you can play with your Little Ms Martini Barbie, but if you hit your friends, we will have to put them away.” 

(I made the Barbie thing up, sorry).  

Use every chance you can to praise and bring attention to the behavior you want so you will not have to rely on the warning or negative consequence. That is much harder.

PLEASE do not warn your kid about a consequence you have no intention of delivering.  That is a veiled threat…and will create more misbehavior than it solves.  

Don’t say I never warned you.


Parent with confidence!

Posted on by
Reply

         

Parenting with confidence makes a difference

One of the things I have to ask a lot of parents to do when we are making changes with the way they interact with their children is to have a sense of confidence.  Many have a hard time doing it.

It makes sense.  Over the years, there have been many ways they have tried to help their children behave better, follow directions, do their homework, be more independent, and lead overall happier lives.  Unfortunately, for many parents with whom I work, those efforts have been met with continued tantrums, challenging behaviors, and hurtful words.  Essentially, the kids have punished their parents’ efforts to do better and it weakens resolve and makes them question themselves.  This leads to more inconsistency and more problems. 

This is very natural.  Every parent experiences this at some point or another.

Sometimes all I have to do is tell parents they are doing the right thing: “Hang in there, you’re right.  He’ll be fine, just hang in there for a bit.”  Yes, they might have made some mistakes in the past, but their current efforts are simply going to take time. 

Just because your son screamed at you does not mean you should have cleaned his room for him.  Just because your daughter fell to the floor crying does not mean you should have given her that last piece of candy she wanted.  Learning takes experience over time…trials…to really sink in.  

Stirring the Kool-Aid

Think about this: you have just added the water to your two packs of Awesome Berry Blast Kool-Aid powder mix (after you licked your finger and tasted a bit of it out of the packet) and you get the trusty wooden spoon out to stir it in.  You stir, first in the counter clockwise direction.  The water gets spinning in that direction.  Kinda looks like a tornado.  Then you reverse the direction of your stir.  The neon blue water splashes a bit, you feel some resistance, but you keep stirring.   Clockwise now, you start to feel less resistance.  There are still some ripples and disturbance, but the ripples fade and the direction of the water is now with your stir. You have changed the direction of the flow. 

Now, if you just went back and forth without maintaining your direction for any length of time, there is no direction.  Often, there is more splash…more disturbance.  Harder to maintain any sense of order. 

Changing behavior is not that different. 

When changing the direction of a behavior, especially one that has some momentum, you might get splashed a bit at first.  But, maintaining your direction over time will get things heading in the right direction.  Going back and forth without any consistent direction will often cause more problems, more disturbance, more challenging behavior.

Lets say your daughter has been whining a bunch, and you are trying to get her to ask nicely to get things she wants.  This is a new behavior.  Not only are you trying to teach her that she needs to “ask nicely” and that is the correct way to get things she wants, you are also teaching her the old way isn’t going to work anymore…the way that has worked a good bit in the past.  That is not going to happen all at once.  She will likely react a bit as she learns the “old way” does not work anymore.  It does not mean you are doing anything wrong.  In fact, you might be doing something correctly! 

Give her plenty of opportunities to learn the new way…prompt her, role play, practice and praise her when she does it so she knows and has experience with what “asking nicely” means.

The path to confidence

If you are having a problem with a specific behavior, think about what you want to do to change it.  What is the new behavior you want to teach in place of the old (always teach a “to-do” when you are teaching a “not-to-do”)?  Talk to your spouse.  Consult professionals.  Do some reading.  Make an educated decision about what you are going to do.  Then do it.  Be confident. 

Your children can smell hesitancy and uncertainty.  Even if afterwards you wish you would have done something a bit differently, just do it differently next time.  At least you were paying enough attention to know what you should have done.

The time to make decisions about behavior and how you are going to respond to it is when you have your wits about you, when you can think with an open mind, while you are not hampered by the emotion of the moment.  Think it through, then be confident. 

Do it.  Hesitancy leads to inconsistency, which will likely lead to more challenging behaviors. 

If you are really interested, measure your results.  Is your child doing more of the “to-do” behaviors and less of the “not-to-do” behavior?  

Pay attention, be informed then be confident and consistent.  You’ve earned your Kool-Aid.