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No reaction might be the best reaction of all…

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Treat one time events for what they are…one time events.  Reactive parenting often creates more opportunities to be reactive (i.e., more bad behavior).

I recently read a book, Anything You Want, by Derek Sivers (a guy who turned a little hobby of selling music online to a business generating $100 million in sales and ultimately a $22 million payday for Sivers).  He made a point about not punishing a group at large (customers) due to the bad behavior of one person or a weird one time event.  For emphasis, he mentioned two examples of when over-the-top changes were made as ridiculous reactions to a single event: his elementary school banned grape juice at the school after a single spill (and later banned orange juice for the same reason) and the need to take our shoes off at the airport due to the infamous “shoe bombing.”   These stories and his point made me think of how that relates to parents in so many ways (of course)…

Has there ever been a time when you “banned the grape juice” at your house.  It might not have been grape juice that spilled, but might have been something that your kid misused or even an activity that went wrong and you effectively “banned” it?  Have you taken your children to a special place and things just did not go right and you pledged “never go there again?”  Have you ever treated a child to something special and it blew up in your face and you vowed to avoid using that treat again because it “didn’t work?”  Have you ever gotten a note home from the teacher about a “new behavior” and excessively worried about it and made reactive changes because of it?

I believe this happens and it is important to realize it when it does so you can avoid the pitfalls associated with these types of reactive decisions.

The lesson here is a general one, but a thinker sort of lesson: avoid over-reacting to any one particular behavior or circumstance within which a behavior occurred. This includes when your kid hits another kid at school, bites the neighbor, throws a huge hissy-fit at the shoe store, or says something like, “I hate you,” “I hate school” or drops the F-bomb. 

These are all common things that kids do and there is rarely a need to over think these things and worry about making changes due to one of these things happening. 

I am not saying they need to be ignored, but I am saying there is generally nothing to worry about.  Be aware: let her teachers know you are concerned, let his coach know you have talked to him about kicking the ball instead of the other kids, let the neighbor know that her cat will be safe in the future, and then move on. Lock it away in your parent brain, be prepared the next time similar situations present themselves, talk to your kids about it at the times when the situations are likely to occur again (the closer to the event as possible, the better) and use it as a teaching experience.  No need to expend too much energy on these events or try to heavily punish them “so it will never happen again.”  

The good news about behavior is that there are very few things that are learned after one experience (taste aversion is one…I bet you can think of something you had a single bad experience with and have not touched since).  This should give you some relief when it comes to making the decision NOT to make a decision about something until later.  

Give yourself the the benefit of time and thought before making decisions to “take away the Nintendo” for a month or to “never go out for ice cream again!”  Give yourself the advantage of “sound body and mind” when making these decisions rather than the reactive and emotional decisions we can sometimes make. 

Sometimes you will find that making no decision is the best decision of them all.

Ignore the behavior…not the kid!

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Sometimes the best thing you can do to get rid of or change a behavior is to simply ignore it.  However, this can be a fairly daunting task sometimes.  But, here is the good news:

You can ignore a behavior, but not ignore the kid and it still be an effective way to get rid of some junky behavior. 

Lets start here:

Lets say your little one is acting like a clown making weird noises you know she is clearly making to get your attention (if you don’t know…she probably is).  This has been going on too long, so you say, “NO! Stop those noises.  That is RUDE!” and she laughs…

WHOOPS: You just paid attention to the behavior and probably have made it more likely to happen again.

So next time comes around when she is making those noises and you think ignoring it will be the right thing to do.  You hang in there for a while, but it gets worse.  It gets louder.  Now she is actually dancing right in front of you as you try to pay attention to anything else but her.  You can’t take it anymore.  You give up and say “Sit DOWN and STOP IT!”  She either laughs and runs away or gets upset and whimpers as she sits.  Neither is what you really wanted.

Here is where many parents get in the black hole of ignoring and where a lot of parents feel like ignoring is not a powerful or effective tool.

Paying attention to the child, but ignoring the behavior?  Here is how…

Pay attention to her without paying attention to the behavior.  Don’t say anything about the behavior, act as if it was not occurring at all…ignore it, but don’t ignore her. Try a little misdirection:  Lets try this again:

DANCING QUEEN: (Dancing in front of you with fingers pulling her mouth to her ears while making noises that remind you of a siren at the fire station)

YOU: “I love your shoes, what color are those?” or “Did you see what dad put on the front porch?” or “Tell me what you did with your best friend yesterday?” or “Can you grab me your magazine right there by the TV?”

If she replies, keep talking.  Engage with her.  You are now teaching her you will pay attention to her, but not directly to the behavior.  You have the best of both worlds: you have attended to her so she will not escalate her craziness to get your attention and you have ignored a behavior you don’t really want her to use to access your attention.  Things are good.

If she does not reply, ask other questions, things she will be like to talk about.  This is not a demand, but a way to get her to engage with you so you can attend to her appropriate behavior rather than simply ignoring the junk. 

If she continues to chirp like a bird or sing the “beans are good for your heart” song, just let her know you want to talk to her about her new gymnastics routine when she is ready.  Then do what you can to get out of her visual area and continue ignoring.

Just remember…ignore the behavior, not the kid.

Time out: the baby with the bathwater. Listen carefully.

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Have you ever tried something new, a new electronic device or something for the kids and got frustrated and said,

“This *&^% thing doesn’t work…why does everyone say these things are awesome…this thing is stupid!” 

Then someone comes over, grabs it, does something simple to it and says, “you’re doing it wrong…that is why it wasn’t working.”

It wasn’t working because you weren’t doing it right or you overlooked something very elementary.  Very simple.  I can’t help but think of the ultimate family man, Clark “Sparky” Griswold, in Christmas Vacation karate chopping the reindeer because the light switch was off, preventing the display of his Christmas cheer:

Here is the connection:

There are a lot of behavior strategies that are commonly misunderstood and misused and when they don’t work there are books written and websites dedicated to very strong responses regarding how awful these strategies are and how they “never” work.

Case in point, I commented on an internet article on time out two months or so and received a lesson in the incredible emotions, disdain, and clear misunderstanding connected to this thing we call “time out,” not only on my Facebook page, but on the other pages associated with the conversation.  It was if those who even think about time out should be reported to child protective services.  

What was clear was that the term “time out” has been over-used, misused and mischaracterized so that many parents who thought they were using “time out” were unsuccessful.  It created more problems, it was difficult to maintain, it did NOT help.  This resulted in “time out” (even though what they were likely doing was wrong and NOT time out) being framed as a terrible, heartless parenting strategy that “never works” (the phrase “never works” is what triggered me to respond to the article due to how insanely incorrect this statement was). 

OK, now, for my thoughts.

I strongly believe in an incredibly positive and proactive style of parenting and behavior management.  I believe reinforcement strategies are the strongest tools in your parenting tool belt.  Proactive teaching in a way that reduces, as much as possible, the likelihood of “error” or challenging behavior is my mantra.  For example, waking up several times throughout the night to take a child to the bathroom can and does work to teach toilet training sometimes without error!  Helping your child navigate the social demands of a birthday party before the party, teaching ahead of time, turns a potentially difficult situation into a successful learning opportunity. Taking shorter trips to the store so it can be successful instead of painful is more effective than taking away your kid’s Nintendo DS (or threatening Santa’s naughty list) because they screamed through the two hour long escapade through the mall on the week before Christmas.  Check out my archives and my Facebook posts and see how much I believe in prevention and proaction…its pretty clear.  

I do not believe punishment strategies are to be used to shape behavior, but do believe there are times when time out, when used appropriately and with sufficient caution, is an effective and prudent strategy.  Decades of research have supported this.  I have a top 10 list…check it out here.

Let me clarify what I mean when I say, “punishment.”

Punishment: something that makes the likelihood of that behavior less likely to occur in the future (not this time, next time).  It is not what we think should be “punishing” (sometimes yelling at your kid for saying a dirty word makes the kid say more dirty words…whoops), but what actually happens to the behavior.  Does it go away, or persist despite your “punishment” efforts?  

As I have stated in previous posts, things like spanking, timeout and harsh words don’t always fit this definition.  If spanking does not reduce the future likelihood of a behavior occurring it is not punishment. STOP IT.  If time out does not reduce the future likelihood of a behavior occurring it is not punishment. STOP IT.  If harsh words do not reduce the future likelihood of a behavior occurring it is not punishment. STOP IT. 

So, in many cases, these strategies do NOT work because of the nature of the behavior and are therefore potentially harmful for a variety of reasons, but it is not the strategy that should be deemed ineffective.Herein lies the misinformation and misleading comments from those in the parenting “web world.”

So, here is the lesson. 

Think through the strategies you are using to reduce unwanted or undesirable behaviors.  Are they working?  Are you finding yourself doing them more instead of less?  Have you read up on “time out” and how it should and should not be used?  Do you actually even keep up with this to know?  Is your spanking reducing the occurrence of the behavior for which you spanked?  Remember: it is not what makes the behavior stop in the moment, but what makes the behavior less likely to occur again.

Be informed…let me help.

Attention seekers and “empty cups”

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Listen carefully and pause to think after reading this next phrase:

Your kids will get your attention one way or the other. 

Read that again, out loud…here, I’ll help

“The reality is that my child will get my attention one way or the other…whether I like it or not”

We have all seen it…kids who do a variety of things “for attention.”  From dance routines in the restaurant to counting in a foreign language to funny fart sounds with an armpit (a classic).  All behaviors that draw attention, both in good ways and not-so-good. 

It starts early.  Not long after they learn to talk, here it comes, “Hey, look at me!”  At least at this age it is obvious.  They are actually asking for the attention rather than getting it as a by-product of some behavior.  It is clear, right in your face.  It is not far at all from “Hey, pay attention to me.”  If only it were always this blatant.

Kids do so many things to draw attention to themselves.  Truly, it is not a bad quality to have if used appropriately and with behaviors that you actually want to occur again.  The problems come from when those attempts do not work.  

You’re job is to decide how you want them to get your attention (not really hard), to respond to them when they use those behaviors (kinda hard), to NOT respond to them when they try other ways (hard, truly) and to realize when they are doing things just for your attention (harder yet).

Lets start here:

I’m a “cup-full / cup-empty” guy (there is research behind this, so its really more than just me being me).  Truly, this is an example of being hungry versus being full.  People will do crazy stuff when they are hungry for food, attention, sex, etc.  Those behaviors get crazier when the initial attempts do not work and they are then more and more hungry, attention starved, etc.  You’ve seen the reality shows…c’mon, you know what I’m talking about.

Same thing with your kids.  If their “cup” is not filled, if they are attention “hungry,” they will behave in ways that often result in attention.  Don’t get me wrong, they might not be doing this purposefully (“I am going to pull the cat’s tail to get it to scream, then mommy will come running”), it is just how behavior works.  If they are not getting the attention, they will ultimately get the attention and likely with behaviors you don’t like and don’t want to see again.  

You HAVE to respond to the cat screaming, your underwear in the fan, mayonnaise in the baby’s hair, the phone being dialed that sounds a lot like 9-1-1, the dirty word or the ugly “where did you learn that” dance.  You have been there. 

If you don’t “fill their cup,” you will automatically be teaching them the more ridiculous and disruptive you are, the more likely it is I will pay attention to you.  EESSHH

If this sounds like your house, like your kids (all kids do it when “hungry”), make a point to pay more attention to the things you want: ask them to tell you a story, help in the kitchen, play a game, etc.  Set a timer, put something in your pocket or refrigerator to remind you – “hey go pay that kid some attention.”  It really does not matter, just as long as you are “filling the cup.”

The cup is always leaking, some kids leak faster than others and require more frequent attention, but “every now and then attention” keeps most kids “full.”  

My bet is the craziness will go away because they will already be “full.”

Do it on your terms…your kid does not come with a “30 miles till empty” warning. 

A glass of red wine in the third trimester

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I have heard from some OBGYNs and several “mommies-to-be” that it is OK for women in the third trimester of pregnancy to have a glass of red wine.  I have no idea if there is anything medically relevant to this, but I think the expression was,

“if it helps you to unwind and relax, a glass of wine will not have any effects on the baby.” 

O.K. Im not an OBGYN, I am not recommending this, but here is why I think there is something similar to be said about parenting:

What helps you, helps them…usually, and within reason

We have talked before about this several times from several different directions.  We make terrible decisions when we are reacting emotionally and when we are stressed by work, family issues or a variety of other things that put us on the edge.  We, as parents, are quicker to react to things, use punitive strategies, take kids to timeout when we ourselves actually need the timeout.  We make things more than they are.  We make things harder on the kids, which makes them less likely to behave well, which continues the cycle.

Now, Im not recommending alcohol consumption as a parenting tool. 

What I am saying is, “what helps you, can often help them as well.” 

If you need a break, take it.  If you can switch off with your spouse, switch.  If you can wake up early and be one coffee in before waking the kids, move that alarm time back and have a talk with Mr. Coffee.  

Be preventive in the care of yourself so you are better prepared to care for others.

This works in the other direction as well.  What is good for them will often be good for you.  Present situations when they are most likely to behave successfully, then you can back off and recharge.  If the kids are getting really rowdy in the house, take them outside.  If the little one is getting into the Christmas tree and the older one is, one by one, taking the ornaments and hiding them throughout the house, play a game with them.  If the playroom is getting destroyed, go in with them and instead of saying “CLEAN UP,” simply say, “where does this go?” as you hold up Mr Potatohead’s shoes. 

If you need to remove one of the kids to another area of the home, don’t drag them; lift them up and playfully carry them around like an airplane.  Make moving to another area fun: take GIANT steps, baby steps, hop, jump, skip.  Before you know it, you are in the other room and you didn’t have to threaten or drag them away from the fun.  You just created NEW fun.

Think of yourself and where you are emotionally and ask yourself if you need a re-charge or a pause button…don’t make your kids pay for it or their behavior will give you more to be frustrated about.

Moderation…moderation.

Good Cop / Bad Cop — Terrible idea

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Some parents try to “good cop/bad cop” to get their kids to do things they don’t want to do or to solve problems with behavior – Horrible idea. 

Lets talk about why:

I assume the idea of the good cop/bad cop originated in some precinct where there was one really nice and maybe overly flexible police officer, let’s call him Softy Sam and a partner of his who was a real jerk.  One day, they were trying to get something out of someone they arrested, we’ll call him Didn’t do it Don.  The bad cop spends hours yelling at, insulting and “breaking down” ol’ Don to no avail.  Probably due to his style and general demeanor, Bad cop Bill got frustrated and stormed out.  Softy Sam, after hearing this, went into the interview room, saddled up to Don, put his arm on the guy’s leg and says,

“I know how you feel, man.  I’ve been there before.  You get into a bad situation with one of your friends, you don’t feel right about it, but things go so fast you don’t have a chance to do or say anything and something really bad happens before you know it.  Then your scared and stuck…you know what I mean?” 

Don looks up through bloodshot eyes and nods his head.  Softy Sam says,”You wanna talk about it?”  Don asks for a cigarette and says “yeah.”

Genius, right?  Works on Law and Order all the time.  

Not for parents! (hear the CHA-CHUNG sound here)

Several things happen if you do this  

Parent splitting:  if this is something you do, you will not need name tags for who is the “good cop” and who is the “bad cop.”  The child will, at times of distress, need or desire orient towards the “good cop.”  The “bad cop” tells the kid to do something and it becomes more of a suggestion than a request.  Has this happened to you?

“Hey, buddy, I need you to clean up your room” 

“Mommy, daddy said I needed to clean my room…can I watch TV first?”

Whoops.  This becomes a cycle and happens more and more if you don’t watch out.

Definition of relationship: What are you really doing when you play the “bad cop,” always being the one to “draw the line in the sand?”  Do you know a “bad cop” at your office?  Do you want to hang out with him after work?  Nope.  Be careful your role as the “bad cop” does not become your role as a parent.   EEESSSHH.

Creation of master negotiators: If parents are taking different roles/sides, they are, by definition, not consistent with each other.  This creates opportunities when children learn the skill and art of negotiation by playing the game.  Be careful with this…it gets worse if you don’t watch out.

Leave the negotiating and the good cop/bad cop game to the guys who play police officers on TV.  

Be consistent with each other.  Always check with the other parent if you are unsure about something.  Talk about those decisions (outside the earshot of the children).  Don’t play against each other…even though it might feel good to be the “good cop” every now and then. 

CHA-CHUNG

“Sit DOWN!” Batting practice for your kid

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Imagine a child who just “can’t sit down,” is “always running around” and rarely sits when asked.  The usual routine is to point the powerful parent finger at the seat (or at the kid) and say more firmly, “SIT DOWN” as if he  did not hear you the first time because you were not loud enough. 

Sometimes, when things go really wrong, one of two things happen: 1) we give up and say something ridiculous like, “OK, then you can’t watch your Buzz Lightyear goes to the North Pole episode” or something even more ridiculous like, “TIME OUT!!” or 2) we get so emphatic with our words that the kid sadly slumps into the seat and pouts.  Neither is good.

This is a lesson not simply in teaching kids to sit down, but to do other things they are not likely to do. 

Many times we try to teach these behaviors when they naturally occur: sitting at church, staying in bed at nighttime, using a “quiet voice” at the library, saying nice words when at Grandma’s doorstep.  You get the point?  Think about it…do we teach baseball players to hit only when the bases are loaded and there are two outs?  This is obviously not the optimal time to teach hitting. 

So what does “batting practice” look like for your kid?

Back to sitting still.  There have been multiple times when we have introduced the “sitting game” to families and teachers.  The game is simple: sit for some period of time and you get praised and you get to get up.   Pull a chair over in front of you and introduce the “game” to  the kid.

O.K. Let’s start…Sit down!”

Count quietly for several seconds (maybe have a timer that beeps, but don’t show them the timer), and when the time is up say, “Times up! You did it! Go play!”  Let her play for a minute (I would actually do less than 30 seconds or so).  Play with her…make this really fun.Extend the time, make up new “rules.”  Remember: it is a game!

Repeat.  Change it up…do some increments shorter and some longer.  Make sure success happens.  Don’t interact with them during the sitting time…the game is to sit!

The objective here is to teach a behavior at a time when the focus can be on rewarding the behavior, making it fun and creating some momentum.  Next time when real sitting happens, the kid will have had a lot of practice behind them with a lot of positive experiences.

This can be used for so many other behaviors.  Maybe its not sitting in your house.  Maybe it is “quiet voices,” “telling the truth,” or “walking with mommy.”  Practice “STOP/GO” (kinda like red light/green light, but using the word “stop” is important) next time you are waiting outside a restaurant.  Make a point to practice when there is no pressure,

when the chances of succeeding are more than the chances to fail,

when failing doesn’t mean you have to carry them out during the sermon or run out into the parking lot because they did not listen to you saying “STOP!”