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“Why is bath time so hard?” – Rubber ducky is NOT the one!

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During a recent presentation I made to a group of parents, we had some extra time at the end for me to answer questions from the audience.  One parent raised her hand and essentially said, “why is bath time so hard?” 

Good question…here you go.

Bath time is not hard just because it is the bath. 

There are other reasons why bath time is hard.  A lot of the problems can be remedied even before the water starts splashing and you wonder how dirt got in “there…”

One of the first problems is when bath takes place.  Not necessarily the time of day (although this can be important too), but where in the series of events does bath time occur.  Is it after dinner, after homework, after TV time and right before bedtime?   

It might very well be more about what you are taking your kids from (telling them to stop doing) rather than what you are asking them to do (take a bath).  Stopping a highly preferred activity such as an epic battle of Wii bowling or the Thomas the Train episode right before Percy dumps into the mud is NOT the time to ask your kid to take a bath.  Terrible timing.  When you say, “you can bowl the last 2 frames when you are done,” your kid is thinking “or, I could bowl them NOW!”

Another problem comes from what they do after bath time.  If your kids go to bed right after taking a bath, bath time is like the Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” sign except the sign is blinking, “Your night is over, pal…”  Bath time stinks because they know what is coming next: bedtime, and that is generally not fun.

Combine the two, and you have a problem: most preferred activity to lesser preferred activity to least preferred.  Bath time is NOT likely to happen.

So, have I convinced you its not about the water, the soap or the terrible “Rubber Ducky” song you try to sing to make it all better?  No soapy crayons or Mickey Mouse sponges will be likely to help this situation.

Here is the suggestion: think about your evening routine.  Set things up for your advantage.    Least preferred things (bath time, tooth brushing, picking out clothes for tomorrow) happen first, then more preferred things (Wii, TV time, computer time, preferred book time).  Control access to those things so you dont get stuck taking them away from games or TV.  Don’t get stuck on the “it needs to happen now” thing.  Let the motivation of access to preferred things work.  Stand back.  Don’t force it.  Wrestling your kid into the bath will not work out for you (or them).

Warning…you might have to be OK with a bath not happening or the teeth not getting brushed a few times to make sure the contingency sinks in.  A night without a bath or furry teeth are not worth the continued struggle and fight.  If it happens over and over, you need to find things that are more motivating…your Wii has lost its power.

“The tantrum stopped! It worked!” Not so fast…

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Anything that stops a tantrum in its tracks will likely make that tantrum occur MORE in the future. 

YEP. 

I have had parents tell me “see, that worked!” when they do this.  Interestingly, they say this as they are paying me to be in their living room helping them with their kids.  The irony is usually not obvious.  I usually stand back and say, “we need to talk about what you mean when you say, ‘It worked’ so we can move forward on this.”

When you are thinking about strategies that work, I mean really work, you need to look at behavior over time.  If it really works, it means the behavior you are trying to stop is actually occurring less and less over time.  NOT in the moment.  

If you continue to spank your kid for the same reason…spanking is NOT working.  If you continue to send your kid to time out for the same reason, time out is NOT working.  Also, if your kid isn’t brushing his teeth more, then your sticker chart is NOT working. 

I will say, if you do stop a behavior in its tracks, you now know why the tantrum was happening.  You paid attention to her and she stopped crying? (she wanted your attention).  You turned the TV on and he stopped whining (he wanted the TV on).  You sent her to time out when she was laying on the ground in front of the bathtub and she stopped, got up and went to timeout? (chances are…she wanted to avoid the bathtub). 

Now that you know, what are you gonna do?  Think about why, and get back to me…

Are you a tease?

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Never thought you would get that question from me did you?  I’m not asking the question you think I’m asking. 

What I am asking is…Do you offer incentives, reinforcers, access to fun things as ways to get your child to do something you want them to do, then not follow through.  A lot of parents have this problem.  In the moment, it is so important for the child to do something that we bring out the big guns: 

“I tell you what, if you can make it through this Sunday school without insulting Sister Marguerite, we can get an ice cream cone on the way home.” 

The kid does it…what a star!  Not a peep during Sunday school and the good Sister actually wondered, “what go into your son today, he was a true gentleman.” 

Now you are rushed to get home to get the yard mowed before it rains and you put all your cash into the offering plate because you were still on a high from your son’s success…money well spent. 

“We’ll get your ice cream later, OK?” or worse yet, “we can get that ice cream later if you can help your mom for a bit with the baby.” 

Did you see what just happened?  Over time and experiences such as the one above those “teases” will stop working because your child will learn not to trust what you say.  YEP.  Why would they?  Remember, every interaction is an opportunity (good and bad) to teach your child something. 

What are you teaching here?   What is the more powerful consequence?  Making his friends laugh and cheer after calling out Sister Marguerite’s obesity problem to the class will surely outweigh the benefits of a “not really” offer for ice cream. 

Follow through, follow through, follow through.  Teach your child that when you say something, you mean it.  Teach them when you say there is ice cream, ice cream there will be (and soon).  

“Get me outta here!” Lesson 1: Escape behaviors.

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Lets talk about one of the reasons why behavior occurs.  Lesson 1: Escape. 

Let’s take the example of a kid that wants to leave the store (an hour in Bed Bath & Beyond has taken its toll).  He begins whining, “I wanna leave.  I wanna leave!”  You think, ”I really wanted to check out those PedEggs before I leave, so I’m going to try to stretch this out a bit.”  

He screams more and you get embarrassed.  You grab him by his arm and say “If you don’t calm down I am gonna take you outta here and you will not have dessert when we get home.” 

He thinks,

“Sweet!  I would rather get out of here than have some lame fat free cookies any day.” 

At this point, the value of the escape (leaving the store) FAR outweighs the value of anything else.  This includes, by the way, the embarrassment of being yelled at in a store, being carried out by you, or sitting in “timeout” in the parking lot.  Wrenching him up and taking him out is what he actually wanted!   

Leaving a store is an easy example of an “escape” behavior because we automatically think “escape = leaving,” but other common culprits of escape behavior are chores, homework, baths, going to school, getting ready in the morning and going to bed at night.  Kids engage in a lot of behavior that is motivated by escape from something aversive or undesirable.  We have all done it…we call it procrastination (e.g., cleaning the house to avoid doing your taxes).  We identify it sometimes when we say they are “stalling” or “avoiding.”

This is important to talk about because strategies we use to respond to behavior depends a lot on why the behavior is occurring in the first place.  

Very simply, if your kid wants to escape something or somewhere, there is something aversive about that something or someplace. This is important because sometimes the answer is to initially make those things less bad so it is more likely to happen.  If you have figured out what is so bad about a chore or part of a routine, try by reducing the effort, helping, or defining the parameters of success more clearly (i.e., socks off the floor, shoes in closet, books in shelf).  Don’t be such a stickler…if you are having problems with this, you need to do something to make it more likely he will do what you want without yelling and screaming at him.

For actual physical escape (stores, Grandma’s house, or the Christmas parade) listen to your kids’ behavior and, yes, sometimes their words when they start acting funky and giving you signs that you are on borrowed time and want to leave. You might be mad that your calloused feet will have to go another week without the incredible “smoothing action” of the PedEgg, but at least you won’t have to drag your kid through the appliances section yelling and screaming.  

Please remember: not all escape behaviors can be overpowered by the reward at the end, so you have to face it from the front.  Reduce the difficulty, the effort or the time needed to actually do it so it is more likely.  Reward that, then slowly fade back to where you started now that you have created some success.   

“Don’t point that at me! Do you want to make me take you out of this store?”

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I was recently walking down the hall with a group of younger elementary school students and their teachers.  One of the kids (the one I was there for) was a bit “wiggly” in line and was not following the directions to “keep your hands at your side” and a “bubble in your mouth” (funny way to keep the mouth closed, which is to blow up your mouth like a balloon)—see this for why this works.

One of the teachers then went up to him and said, “do you want me to put my hand on your shoulder?” in a tone that made me think she was saying that as a threat of punishment.  Kind of like, “do you want to go to time out?” or “do you want me to call your mother?” 

The kid looked up and said, “yes.”  Whoops.  They walked down the hall together…one happy, one frustrated (I’ll let you decide who was who).

This makes me think of at least 2 things:

  1. We often ask questions that are not really questions, but threats-sometimes baseless or veiled threats.
  2. We often assume some things are punishers or things the kid wants to avoid, but sometimes they are not (it was clear the kid actually did want the teacher to put her hand on his shoulder).

Please be careful and listen out for these questions.  Don’t ask questions to which you don’t want the answer or the answer is already obvious. 

Do you really want to know if your kid wants you to count to 3?  Does it really matter what your kid’s answer is to your question, “do you want a spanking?” 

“Actually, mother, I do believe that my behavior warrants a time out and possibly a spanking…I agree with you…I just wish you would have asked me if I wanted you to count to 3 before”  

CLARIFICATION:  I have heard kids say “YES!” to this question, but in a harsher tone like, “I don’t care…take away my Wii…I don’t care.”  At this point you are in a tug-of-war and you need to drop the rope.  You should not have asked the question in the first place.  Please don’t get into this.  If you want to take away the Wii, take it.  Don’t ask for permission from your child first.  

Be careful to understand what might be punishing (something that actually reduces the occurrence of future behavior, by definition) and what might be reinforcing (increasing future occurrence of the behavior, by definition).  The student in the example above was able to gain access to a personal escort (and the attention associated with that) by jumping around in the line.  Her presence was NOT a punisher.  Sometimes your reactions (although potentially strong and intended to be punishing) can be desired by the kid. 

Ever heard of people “pushing your buttons?”  It happens, and 3 year olds are completely capable of doing it (just in case you haven’t noticed).

Let me know what you think!…”do you want me to have to ask you again?!? Huh?!?”

Too comfortable? A parent’s unending determination to maintain “comfort”

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I recently found myself in a meeting with a fairly large group of people meeting with a parent to discuss the pretty difficult behavior of a child with whom we were all concerned.  Heartbroken, the parent with face in cupped hands said, “I just want to make sure my children are comfortable…I don’t want them to be uncomfortable.”  AHHH, it makes me hurt to even tell the story.  

What happened was, along the years, the parent had done just that.  However, as the weeks and years passed, the work to keep the kids comfy had become more difficult.  It became harder and harder.  The children learned to have a paper-thin frustration tolerance and to react stronger and stronger each time something did not go their way. 

At the moment of discomfort (which came quicker and quicker and more often), their protests and anger were soothed and comforted either with nurturing and attention, access to some ridiculously simple tangible item (e.g. a pair of shoes, a piece of paper, a pencil), or escape from something or someone they did not like (e.g. a store, nearby peer or sibling, homework, etc.).  

The meeting continued as we all hovered around the problem.  Some in the room became a bit uncomfortable when one of the professionals mentioned (paraphrasing), “your child is going to experience discomfort and you don’t need to interfere with that discomfort.  It is reality.  You cannot continue to save your child from discomfort.  It is not working.” 

She was right.  Could not have been more correct. 

Then she said something that was pretty incredible: “we need to figure out why you do this. There is some reason you continue to do this.”  

Her point was right on target.  Lets look at this story from both perspectives.  The kids’ screaming, protesting and anger was functional in accessing comfort in any of the forms mentioned above.  Not good.  Let’s face it: we all live around people with similar behavior.   It’s not a pretty or a redeeming quality. 

As for the parent, the “comforting” behavior was functional in that it preserved FOR THE MOMENT AND FOR THE MOMENT ONLY peace and “happiness” amongst the children.  The opportunities to do this were only becoming more frequent.  The unfortunate side effect of this was children who were more and more difficult to keep happy.

Here is the point:

Children will experience frustration, pain, anger, sadness, disappointment: discomfort.  You can’t stop that, not should you in many cases.  You can teach them how to handle it.  You can teach them how to respond to those feelings and how to get through them. 

When these times occur, and they will (today), think for a moment about this and take the opportunity to teach your child to handle these situations effectively.  

Why grandma doesn’t leave the penny slots….

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One of the best lessons or metaphors about behavior is the slot machine.  We use this example all the time to teach lessons about strengthening behavior.  

In the world of my profession, we measure the strength of a behavior by how hard it is to get rid of it when the benefit of the behavior does not occur (e.g., how many times will you push the Coke machine button without getting the Coke).  What better example than the behavior of playing a slot machine?  People sit for hours on end on these machines, NOT winning, and in many cases LOSING.  

Lets think about why this matters to parents and behavior:

Behaviors reinforced every now and then are harder to get rid of than behaviors that are reinforced every time.  Sounds weird, right?  Well, slot machines take full advantage of this.

How many times will you continue to pull that lever without getting paid? Much longer at a machine that pays every now-and-then when compared to one that pays every time. If you got paid every time you sat at a slot machine and all of a sudden it stopped paying you, you would leave much quicker than you would if you went to Vegas today and sat down to play the slot machine that has been programmed to pay just enough to keep you there. That’s not my opinion…that’s just how behavior works.  How many times do you continue putting money into the Coke machine after it has “eaten” your money?…exactly. 

THE PARENT PART:

When talking to parents about a certain challenging behavior they are dealing with, I wonder how often the kid is getting the benefit from the behavior.  I don’t wonder if it happens every time, I’m just wondering if it is happening just enough to keep the behavior strong.  If I’m talking to the parent about the behavior that is still driving them crazy, the proof is in the pudding (slung all over the wall after the last tantrum). 

This is especially true when the “pay out” occurs after longer and more intense behaviors/ arguments/ whining.  Think about a tantrum that lasts so long you finally give up and do something to satisfy the tantrum.  That’s the equivalent of paying out after 100 lever pulls.  Whoops.

How long your child “pulls the lever” (insert problem behavior here) depends on your consistency.  Tantrums are going to happen, your kid is going to refuse to do something, he’s going to yell when you say, “quiet.”  The question is, do those behaviors work more often than they don’t?  When at first they don’t succeed, do they keep going?  Do they amp it up if that doesn’t work? 

Perfection is not likely or necessary (thank goodness).  I’m simply asking you to just pay attention to these things, be mindful of the “slot machine” effect, and have a plan.