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STOP SCREAAAMMMING! AAHHHHGG!

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Your kid is in a fit…you have had enough, but some behavior guy on the internet has told you to ignore those things, so you are.  Five minutes go by, 10 minutes go by and your blood pressure is making your ears hot to the touch.  That’s enough!  Here’s where it gets ugly.  You go over to your kid (hopefully yours, or the neighbors might need to supervise you a bit more) and in a raised voice yell, “STOP CRYING!  YOU HAVE BEEN CRYING FOR 15 MINUTES, THAT’S ENOUGH!!”  

How many times has that kid turned around to you, calmed immediately and in a delicate tone said,

“You know what mommy?  You are right.  I have cried enough.  I really appreciate that.” 

Rarely, if ever.  The reality is this usually occurs not because the tantrum has changed so much as your ability to continue ignoring has thinned.  We’ve all been there and done it.  BUT WAIT…

Sometimes we need to pay attention to and respond to the duration of the behavior.  For example, you might be OK with your 4 year old whining it out in her room for a while, but after 30 minutes of screaming goes by, you might need to address that.  BUT, make sure you do so in an unemotional and redirective manner.  For example,

“Hey, it’s been 30 minutes.  Lets get it together so we can do what we need to do then we can move on.  Let me know when you are ready to move on and we will.” 

Another strategy that seems to work is to take exaggerated breaths with them.  This works not just because of the Zen moment of “taking a deep breath,” but I think more because it gives you a way to respond to the child without talking…it kinda works if you are frustrated too.  If she calms…great.  If not, back away and try again in 5 minutes. 

Don’t try to solve the problem, PLEASE.  That is not what I’m talking about.

If you can’t do this unemotionally, don’t do it.  If you can, it teaches resiliency in that you are not solving the problem by attending to their junky behavior, but that you are willing to move on without getting stuck in the abyss of common childhood tantrums.

Top 10: Time out!

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10 need to know facts about time out:

  1. “Time out” is officially an abbreviation for “time out from reinforcement,” which means it works because the kid is removed from reinforcing (motivating) things following unwanted behavior.

    Therefore, be very careful of where you send your kid to time out…make sure there are not a lot of people around, a lot of toys around or other things with which the kid can engage.  And if it is your attention he wants…read #6.

  2. Time out is a strategy, not a place.  Therefore, it is not necessarily a chair or a place in the corner, although it can and does help to have a predetermined place for this.
  3. Time out will not work if it is used when the kid is avoiding demands, work, homework or something else he or she does not want.  Actually, it can be counter-productive (you would essentially be giving them escape by sending them to time out).
  4. Time out durations longer than 3-5 minutes are not more effective than shorter durations.  Therefore, you can keep the time brief and be as effective.  The whole “minute per year of age” as a guide for how long the time out should be is a myth.  It’s not going to do lasting harm, I just would not feel obligated to follow the “rule.”
  5. It is helpful to have a timer. This is more for your consistency than anything else, so when you start a time out, tell your kid “you need to be calm for 2 minutes, I will start your time when you are calm.”
  6. DO NOT ENGAGE WITH YOUR KID DURING TIME OUT.  PLEASE!  Don’t fall into the trap of saying “I can’t talk to you while you are in time out.”  Think about that for a moment.  Wait it out.  This is not a time to berate your kid.  SHH!
  7. If he gets up and out of the time out area, be close enough to quietly and calmly redirect them back to the time out area.

    WARNING: some kids like this “game” and it can turn into a bit of a dance (notice if the kid is laughing, running or trying to play chase).  If this happens it is OK to ditch the time out and simply ignore and make sure the options are limited for things your child can get into (see #10).  Whenever the child wants something, calmly remind him he has to “finish his time” before doing anything.

    If you do get into the dance, time out might not be the best choice for you…ignoring strategies will be more effective and manageable.

  8. Keep it brief and move on. Wait until she is calm to talk. This is the time to talk about what happened…not before or during the time out.
  9. When you return, start by saying, “thank you for calming down, you are done with your time.  Now what happened?”  Do not force the answer, but do use this question as a barometer for if the kid is ready to move on or not.  If not, tell him “I’ll give you a few more minutes to calm down then we can talk about it.”
  10. If your kid wants your attention and you are ignoring her, you are essentially conducting a time out.  This is a version of what is called a “non-exclusionary time out,” which means you can get the behavioral effects of a time out without physically removing the child.  I also call this a “walking time out.”  If you do this, remember #8 and re-engage with your kid as quickly as possible when she is doing what you want her to be doing (e.g. not annoying you, waiting patiently, etc.).

Walking in circles…

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I was reading something recently that explained a phenomenon that occurs when we are lost in an area without landmarks: when we are lost and try to walk a straight line, we will undoubtedly veer to one side or the other and find ourselves right back in the same place where we started.  Some circles might be small, some might be larger and take longer to get back to the starting point.  But, it is almost a rule. 

Without some way to guide ourselves, without some landmark or way to focus on a path (and sometimes even in the presence of these things) we come back around to the beginning.

How telling is this?  I can tell you parents often feel “lost” having walked in “circles.” Sometimes it even comes in the form of “is this the best it gets?” which suggests we have gotten to a point where there is not a way out; that we should just camp out in the woods and consider ourselves lucky that we found some nuts and berries along the way (or simply consider that our children will never learn to behave differently). 

One more story, then I will get to my point.  I once found myself lost in deep woods (flooded at that) with a friend who was much more seasoned in getting out of strange places than I (he graduated from a military institute and would not be found dead without a compass).  He said, “the way out is that way” (pointing ahead, but looking at his compass).  Pick a tree along this line and walk to it.  Once we get there we will pick another tree along the line and repeat the process until we get out.”  Brilliantly simple.

My point? 

In changing behavior, we need to pick “trees,” guiding points, so we don’t walk in a circle.  We have to stay focused not only on the goal (the edge of the forest), the direction we have chosen (the compass heading), but also check-points along the way.  Sometimes I think we find the line, have the direction, then forget which tree we were walking towards because we finally had a way out, confident we were going to change things, but not diligent enough to keep our eye on the tree or even the compass. 

If you come up with a plan for changing a certain behavior, have check-points.  Review your implementation of the plan frequently enough to make sure you stay on course.  Think about how the behavior has changed (or not).  Check your line. 

Use me and my posts if your compass seems a bit off.

Horse pills for your parenting health

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I hate antibiotics.  I really hate taking medication of any form, which means when I finally give up I have to take the nastiest, biggest pills for the longest time.  THREE A DAY FOR 10 DAYS?  But I feel better after the 3rd day!  I feel better and shake the extra large bottle that still contains 21 more horse pills and weigh out if I want to go through the next 7 days or just hope I have done enough to kill whatever it was that was turning my mucus a deep shade of green.

The doctor would tell you the prescription was written for 10 days for a reason.  A friend physician who doesn’t have to watch his language or bedside manner says, “Take the #$% pills you wuss.  You wanna strengthen your sickness to fight harder the next time?  Oh, AND you’ll be sick again in 2 days.  Let me know when you go to medical school.” 

GULP…20 more pills to go.

Behavior strategies are the same. 

I spoke about this a little when talking about Sticker Charts.  Think of your “medicine” having to work over time to maintain its effectiveness.  It worked immediately…cured?  NO.  It could have worked due to the novelty factor, or simply the fact you are finally paying attention to it.  Even though it worked, if you quit, you might suffer a similar fate as you would if you were to stop taking the antibiotics on the 3rd day: it would strengthen resistance against the “medication” and the “sickness” (your child’s behavior) would also be stronger. 

 A lot of families go through this.  They mention a strategy that used to work, but doesn’t anymore: “she keeps upping the ante…it takes more and more to get her to do what I want her to do.  She is manipulating this whole thing. Nothing works anymore.”  Yep.  Maybe they didn’t stick with it.  Maybe every time your kid sees a new sticker chart, a new behavior strategy, her experience is “oh, they are paying attention…I’m gonna get what I can out of this.” 

The Z-pack isn’t powerful enough…your kid now has the behavioral version of MRSA.

Treat early and maintain the treatment until you can slowly fade the strategies after the natural reinforcers have taken over and are supporting those more appropriate behaviors.  Keep working…your prescription was written for much longer than you might be willing to take it.  Gulp it down and keep it up…if its working, IT IS WORKING.

“Mommy…I’m scared”

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This is a long overdue answer to a question written in to BehaviorBandAid:

I have a problem.  My son is 4.5 and has a twin sister. He is now scared to go in any room of our house alone.  This is now affecting his sleep. He now wakes up between 5:15 and 5:45 because he is scared. His sister is in the room, but…he can’t go to the bathroom alone or to get his clothes from his room without one of us going with.

Interestingly, the experiences this mother has are not uncommon. I recently posted an article written about “fear of the dark” that I feel was interesting and helpful in terms of getting through different “fears” kids often have.   My answer is a little more in depth, so see what you think.

I believe the answer lies in practice outside the event when it usually occurs (you don’t want to practice hitting a baseball only at the times when the bases are loaded and there are 2 out) and a bit of work up front when the occasion is likely to occur.  Make sense?  Lets attack this one area at a time.

Calming agent: It seems the “calming agent” is you or your husband (a good think if you time it correctly).  We need to arrange this from the beginning to make sure you are initially present and slowly fade that presence instead of putting him out there, crossing your fingers, then going to him once he gets more and more fearful.  This is likely not a “sink or swim” situation in which you can say “you do it this time” because you might be setting up a situation where you are contributing to his experiences of getting scared and having that fear relieved by you guys. 

Play it out:  Find opportunities to “play games” where he can practice being alone for short periods of time and experience fun around those events.  I quickly begin to think of “hide and go seek.”  Play games with getting dressed up (independently).  The idea is to find ways to make these behaviors fun, so they are likely to occur then you can reward them and use them as a reference in the future…”see you can do it!”

Set the alarm:  As for the nighttime thing, does this happen every night (having to wake up to use the restroom then calling for you guys to go with)?  If so, (and this might be initially painful) I would set my alarm for 4:00 AM, go in to get him before he wakes and take him.  Don’t make this very entertaining, but do reinforce this with praise, “good job…I knew you could do it. Well done.”  Send him back to bed and tell him you will come to wake him up later, but he needs to be in his bed.  Make sure you get there (again…initially painful) a bit before he is likely to wake on his own (given you have already toileted…if that is a nightly thing).  If that is too early to be up and about, you should give him things to do when he is awake, but in bed.  I am trying to make sure he does not need you at these times and at the very least has a lesser opportunity to gain access to you by screaming or calling out for you and “being scared.”

Slowly back away:  Slowly fade your presence from the bathroom (assuming this occurs throughout the day).  Begin by going with him before he asks.  Over time, slowly fade out (“O.K., I will be right here outside the door” – “O.K. I am going to step into the kitchen” — “O.K. I will be in the living room”).  Praise and maybe even have some other reward (see this post and this one).  The idea is to do this slowly enough that he will be likely to succeed and less likely to get fearful and then get access to you.  This applies to the nighttime thing too.  If he can go overnight without you…there needs to be some positive effect of that.  Whether that is solid praise and high fives or something more tangible is up to you guys (consider what it would be like not to have to wake up at 5:00 in the morning when considering this).

Timing is everything:  Same idea with the clothes.  You essentially want to begin with what you would do after he gets scared, but do it before he gets scared and tries to get access to you guys.  So, if you go collect the clothes for him when he says he is scared, then I would do that before he gets scared (go with him) and then fade back from that after you have gotten some momentum with him doing it without getting scared.  Again…not a “sink or swim” behavior because you know he needs to get dressed and you will ultimately help him if he gets scared.  So, my idea is to go back to where his success can be rewarded then slowly and predictably move back and let the effects of the success take hold.

Main ideas: a) the recognition that it is your attention and help that is likely the “calming agent,” b) this attention and help can be used to your advantage before the fear behavior occurs, c) “sink or swim” won’t likely apply, d) praise, reward, praise as you slowly back away.  Fear is reduced initially by reducing the opportunity for the fear to occur (you are there from the get-go) and is less likely to occur as you reward the independent behavior and back away.

Parenting: a series of interactions

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One of the most influential writers for me right now is Seth Godin, specifically his book, Linchpin.  He has made an incredible career out of explaining how people operate and how to make the best of what you can be.  His audience is generally in the business world, but a lot of what he talks about is incredibly relevant to parenting.  For example:

“Every interaction you have with a co-worker or customer is an opportunity to practice the art of interaction” (Godin, Linchpin, pg 57).

What if we changed it to this:

“Every interaction you have with your child is an opportunity to practice the art of interaction”

At the very core, if you think about it, your child learns through the results of interactions, mainly with you, but also with others (peers, people at the store, grandparents, etc.).  Your child’s behavior will be a result of these experiences.  Ever wonder why your child behaves differently with different people?  We use the word “spoiled” to describe the way our children behave with grandparents who take advantage of the fact that the kids are shipped away at the end of the weekend and give into their every desire (more on that later).  Their “spoiled” behavior is simply a product of the interactions with grandparents, just for example.  

Think about your interactions today.  Can you categorize them?  What was the ratio of positive : negative?  Instructive : corrective?  This can be a sobering experience.  What is your child learning from your interactions?

“Is my kid ADHD?”

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I hear this question pretty frequently from parents worried about their “active,” “aggressive,” or consistently difficult child.  Our culture has become very educated (thankfully), but seemingly very focused (not thankfully) about naming the behavioral characteristics of their child as a “condition.”  It is amazing how many people are so quick to flippantly “diagnose” kids.  Thankfully, I do not officially diagnose anyone or anything or dispense medication.  I see this as a luxury.  My job is to look at a behavior or a bunch of different behaviors and try to figure out how to make more of the good ones and less of the not-so-good ones.  So, that is the perspective from which I am writing this to you.  

Before I move on, let me give you the official answer:talk to your physician or a qualified professional about your specific situation.  The rest of the answer isn’t that easy:

Here is what I say:

Let’s look more closely at the specific behaviors you are talking about.  What do you think is interfering the most with her academic progress?  What behavior is the most serious at home?  What is the most crucial behavior now?  Impulsive, how?  Impulsive, when?  

Usually the conversation results in a conclusion that identifies 1 or 2 behaviors that occur at 2 or 3 specific times of the day.  “He’s a terror at bedtime,” “she freaks out when I ask her to do anything she does not want to do,” “his teacher says he is all over the place after lunch.”  Focus on those behaviors…at those times.  What is it about that time that makes those behaviors happen more?  A lot of times, the answer is fairly clear. Fix that…chip away 1 piece/time/behavior at a time instead of looking at these things as a whole “condition.”

Lets look closer at that. 

If that behavior did not exist or happened half as much as it does now, how would that change your perspective?  How would it change his afternoon at home?  How many other things are affected by that behavior (not getting enough sleep leads to grogginess leads to irritable leads to tantrum, etc.)?  Would that help?

Instead of asking professionals (or your friends, who would probably never tell you anyway, even if they are professionals) about labels or a “condition,” I think it is better to ask the professionals about specific behavior.  “How do I help my child sit down for dinner?” “how do I get my son to stop beating on my daughter,” “I am worried my daughter is not doing well in math.”  There are so many questions to ask beyond the question of diagnosis to get the answer you want.  That is, if the answer you seek is fixing the problem rather than naming it.

Of course…feel free to ask me on the BehaviorBandAid.com Facebook page!