Most parents know that socially praising children is a good thing…lets hope so.  We all know it should be a major part of the way we interact with our children.  Some are better than others.  Its hard to fake.  Some might say, “it’s just not my personality to be bubbly” or “I can’t be that excited after a horrendous day at work.”  I get it.   

Sometimes being “bubbly” or excited is hard, not to mention the pure fact that it is sometimes even difficult to find the “good” in much of anything after your boss yelled at you, you got a flat tire and burned dinner.  I certainly know about “not feeling it” when coming home from a tough day on the job. Why does it matter?  

Why do we saying these things?  My answer would be, “I’m letting her know I approve of and appreciate the fact she said ‘please’ or that she put the knife down when I asked.”  I imagine that is about the answer you would give.  What if how you said it is really boring?  You will end up sounding like Charlie Brown’s teacher (e.g., “whaaa wha whaaa whaa whaa”) and it will not mean anything to your kid. 

People who do this all day for a living (teachers, behavior analysts, etc.) often get into a habit of all of our “good jobs” sounding the same and therefore becoming less and less powerful each time we boringly say it just to say it.  BORING and, worse yet, ineffective.

Mix it up…use different words, be specific to the behavior you are praising, but more importantly, add a little flavor to it.  This will be even more important when commenting on not-so-common good things. There is a difference between your half-jaded “thanks for not peeing all over my shoes” and your very excited “I’m so happy you learned how to keep all your pee pee in the toilet!!! Hooray!”

Give it a try (act if you have to).

I was listening to a podcast the other day from a guy, Todd Henry, who started a business called Accidental Creative whose purpose is to help companies come up with creative ideas and solutions.  Yep.  That is his job, to be creative and he’s darn good at it. 

Anyway, he made a reference to the business world that I think is incredibly suitable for the “parenting world:” the difference between a lighthouse and a laser:

The lighthouse:

Main purpose is to say to oncoming vessels, “don’t go there, don’t go there, don’t go there.”  In a sense, it is protective.

The laser: 

Main purpose is to point directly, with a purpose, where to go.  In a sense, it is directive.

Protective vs. Directive.  Perfect.  I have used similar words in teaching parents, teachers and staff about changing behavior.  For every “no” or “don’t do that” you need to give at least one option for what she can do or what he should do.  

Alright, so there are times when you need to be the lighthouse, but you always need to be the laser as well.  In a world of only lighthouses, your kid will only know where NOT to go.  If you are only a lighthouse, your child will have no direction on where TO go.  Whereas your child might avoid the giant rock in the middle of the channel, if he does not have any direction on where to go, he will likely end up running in circles bouncing from danger to danger.  He will always need you to be the lighthouse. 

At homes and in classrooms, I have seen this played out.  The kid starts playing with something he shouldn’t and the parent says, “stop that, don’t play with those,” and the kid moves on to the next thing…”stop that, put those down,” and he goes to the next thing, “ugh! what are you doing?  Put that away!  Why are you doing this?  Go to your room!” Kids need direction.  Telling them what NOT to do is not directive.  In Todd’s words, it is only “protective.”

Practice this at home…listen to yourself.  When you tell your kid NOT to do something, make sure you tell them what TO do.  Be a laser! (I’ll trust you to be a good lighthouse).

HOLD ON, BUDDY!!!!  

DONT LET GO!!!

HOLD ON A LITTLE LONGER!

Have you ever had your kid do something just to make sure he didn’t do something else?  ”Here buddy, hold onto this” (so you wont grab me with those dirty hands).  There is some science behind this that is important to talk about.

In the world of behavior analysis, this kind of thing is called “differential reinforcement of an incompatible behavior” or a DRI procedure. This can be a fun and effective tool, so its worth sharing.

Lets first melt it down: basically what this means is to get make a certain behavior less likely, you ask for and reward a behavior that is completely incompatible with the one you don’t want to happen.  

Some examples:

The kid in the picture: if cheered for hanging on, he is less likely to kick the soccer balls below while they are cleaned up (the two behaviors cannot happen at the same time).

Little Jimmy can’t run from me in the store if I teach him to push the cart and praise him for it.  Mary cannot scratch her neighbor if she is receives special attention for holding onto her class calendar with both hands.  Sarah cannot run to the dinner if she is praised for her job of carrying the milk without spilling to the table.  John will not be as likely to yell the answer if he is praised for whispering (and the question is whispered to him).  

I recently talked about some of the “incompatible” things I did with my own son in the grocery store including talking to him about seemingly nonsense topics because when engaged with me he is looking at me and talking to me about bananas…not looking down the cookie aisle and screaming for more “chochy chip cookies.”

Another good example is something I mentioned in a Facebook post in reference to the Parking Pal Magnet.  You teach the child to put their hand on the magnet, which is incompatible with running into traffic.  Make sense?

The effect 

The benefit comes in that the reward for one behavior (praise for holding on) can overpower the reward of the other (kicking the balls into the net).  He can always let go and kick the balls, but now the attention is for hanging on, and THAT is more fun than kicking the balls would be.

Think about this when you are trying to figure out how to stop something, because a lot of the time it is not just about stopping something, it is about starting something in its place.  

What would make that behavior impossible?  

Let me know your examples of “incompatible” behavior either through the website or the Facebook page (click the Facebook bandaid at the top of the screen).

Oh, there is something to be said about moments when the cards are on the table and the time has come when you need to practice what you preach. So, for a behavior analyst with a website promoting better parenting for better behavior, this often comes in the form of birthday parties, days at the pool or, like this past 3 days, an entire weekend with the kids…alone.  Top that off with the fact that said behavior analyst has been nursing a cold/sinus infection for a week that irritated more than just my throat. Perfect line-up for a bit of “product testing.”  So here is a list of things you might have seen me doing this weekend:

1. “Soccer practice” at the local middle school – dad running around kicking a ball with son running in opposite direction and daughter pushing her own stroller through the dirt.  Desired time: 1 hr.  Actual time @30 minutes.
2. Weekly trip to grocery store: thank you Publix for the cart with the bench seat (like an extended cab of grocery carts).  3 yr old on the bench facing 17 month old in cart facing me.  Deli first = slice of turkey for each kid.  Cookie section next.  2 aisle conversation about pancakes vs. waffles (distraction only).  1 aisle lesson about how plantains are not bananas (geographic and culinary).  Counting to 30 at the check out (pure distraction) and long discussion about what song we are going to sing when we get to the car (hail Mary, but successful).  Several high-fives and high-10s when the high-fives did not distract enough.
3. Long naps (for the kids)
4. A few well timed episodes of Dora (morning coffee time) and Thomas (nightly routine) 
5. First trip in about a year to the huge city park.  Novelty matters…but so does 4 different play areas, 5 swing sets and a crazy amount of slides.  1.5 hrs – sweet.
6. Lunch at Wendy’s – chocolate milk and chicken nuggets (alright, thats sort of cheating, but it was celebratory for a good park experience).
7. Afternoon and dinner at close friend’s house for a bit of kid entertainment and non-Thomas the Train conversation.
8. A half gallon of whole milk, several hot dogs, couple cups of yogurt, sticks of cheese, a few juice boxes, re-heated pizza slices and about 6 packs of gummy snacks.

The boy got a little more “boy,” the girl might have gotten a little less “girl,” College GameDay on ESPN went on with 1 less viewer (me) and bedtime for daddy was a little earlier than usual.

You might say, “what’s 3 days, mister?”  Not much.  I just thought of you guys (my readers) this weekend and figured I would re-cap things for you…we love you mommy.

Changing the way many parents “ground” their kids can make some of the biggest changes in daily behavior.  

Usually, what I see is parents who give children free access to all of their preferred things (e.g., iPad, Wii, PlayStation, XBOX, etc.) until the kid screws up and does something ridiculous.  Then, depending on the parents, the behavior, and (more often the case) the current emotional state of the parent, the child loses access to those preferred items for a period of time (think about this for a moment and let me know if I’m right).

Usually, the period of time the item is lost is not even disclosed or is set for some crazy period of time that is not likely to happen.  For example, “you can get this back when you show me you can act responsibly!” or “you have lost your PlayStation for the next 2 months, or better yet, “I’m throwing your Thomas trains in the trash.”

Here is my translation of what the parent is actually saying at these times:

1. I am only going to use these highly preferred things to punish bad behavior by taking them away, so take advantage now.
2. These punishments will be inconsistent, because I don’t really know when I will give them back and it will usually depend on how I’m feeling when you ask me, not really how you have behaved since taking it away.
3. I will threaten to take it more than I will actually follow through (probably because I have no expectation of actually taking it away).
4. I have to wait for you to screw up before teaching you anything about your behavior.
5. My opportunities to teach behavior with these preferred activities therefore depends on how often you screw up.
6. For however long I have said you cannot have your XBOX, I’m losing that many opportunities to use it to reinforce appropriate behavior (since you don’t have your XBOX anymore).
7. Oh, and by the way, I’m not going to ensure that you stay off your XBOX by taking it into my room, so I will ground you more when AND if I catch you on it.

How about trying this on for size?  At least think about it.

1. Your access to these things are not a “given”
2. You have the opportunity to earn these things on a daily basis
3. You will earn access to them at this specific time if you have done your chores, your homework and set the table (by the way, the criteria for those things are posted on your door).
4. The quicker you get those things done, the more time you have.
5. If you don’t do those things, no big deal, you can earn your XBOX tomorrow.
6. If you do something truly outrageous, you need to earn x number of days before getting having the opportunity to have them again.
7. Oh, and by the way, I have the controllers, so the only way for you to have it is through me!

Think about this…use those preferred things more carefully and make it depend on behavior, not your emotional state at the time.

GOOD LUCK (and, as usual, let me know if you have any questions)!

Alright, two quick lessons I think need to be said:

1. Punishment, even at its best, does not create any new appropriate behavior.  Think about that for a second.  Its purpose is truly to teach NOT to do something.  Ever seen the over-punished or abused dog from the shelter.  He does nothing.  He sits and sometimes whines.  Everything has been punished.  The dog’s solution?  Don’t do anything.  No new behavior was created.  You CANNOT punish into appropriate behavior.  The textbooks call this “generalized suppression,” which simply means all behavior is suppressed, even those that had not been directly punished.  Ever seen that?  Sad.

2. What happens when you go over to that dog and quickly move towards him?  Growl and snap, right?  The textbooks call this “counter control,” behavior, often aggressive in nature, it occurs as a result of over-punishment. This has probably worked at keeping people and dogs away (we’ve all done this).   Kids hitting back, running away (from you or home), covertly breaking your favorite picture frame.  Some call it “passive aggressive.”  Also a side effect of punishment.

So, what happens when #1 and #2 occur together?  Only behavior that continues to become more and more aggressive because that is the only behavior that works anymore.  The “best” behavior is no behavior (hiding in the corner). Not good.

The lesson? 

To grow and improve behavior (rather than stunt it), attention must be paid to what behavior you want instead of just getting rid of the ones you don’t want.  I’m not getting into the “to spank or not to spank” question right now.  I’m simply asking you to think about this if and when you find yourself spanking or punishing the same behavior over and over (ahem, not working): what behavior did you want to see instead of what happened?  

Concentrate on that next time, and the next.

Day one: Physically forced my 1st grader into the classroom, gave a quick hug and left. That evening, boy yells and screams for an hour before completing his homework. Day two: Used threats to get my son into the classroom where his teacher tells me that he refused to do any work during the day prior. I agreed that he’s a tough one, gave him a quick kiss and left while he tugged at my shirt. I haven’t gotten over the stress of the morning and I’m already anxious about tonight. Any advice?

I really like this question because I think it speaks very loudly about the feelings felt by so many parents and the predicaments within which so many parents find themselves during the school year.  Here are my comments…

Back to the old routine-

There is a lot to be said about getting back in the flow of things when it comes to school.  The drop-off, the new teacher, maybe the new school, more homework, etc.  At the beginning of the school year, I think it is a great opportunity to create boundaries, rules and a positive atmosphere around all things school.  

Boundaries:

I appreciate the “quick hug” and leaving as quickly.  I know this is hard.  I recently read an article rerferring to separation anxiety that, despite the title, should give some reference to why it is O.K. to make the separation brief and not get into the habit of reinforcing the crying or tantrum by staying with your child longer.  Especially for first time parents, the kids will generally get over it quicker than you.  No worries…you are doing the right thing.  Hopefully in the time since the question was initially sent to me, the “quick drop-off” has continued and has gotten easier.

I would not recommend threats to get your child into the classroom.  You might run the risk of amping up the “anxiety” of the moment or could create the classroom as a not-fun place.  At this point, the classroom needs to be a fun, positive place with as little stress or pressure as possible.

Rules:

There are several rules and procedures involved with school and they differ a bit depending on the age/grade of your child.  At home, procedures include what kids can do when they get home from school, what they have access to (games, TV, outside time, etc.), when homework starts, when homework time ends, when electronics are to be off, when bathtime is, and when bedtime is.  I recommend kids having access to the preferred things after homework time and chore time (if applicable).  Access to those things is determined by successful completion of homework (as defined at the outset of the homework time period).  I also suggest setting a beginning time and ending time for homework to be completed.  This prevents the all-night arguments about getting to homework, etc.  Ultimately, homework is either going to get done or not and is rarely ever worth hours of arguing and debating.  If they get the homework done within the time period, they get access to the preferred stuff.  If they don’t, they can choose to continue or choose to move on.  Obviously, access to the preferred things is not granted for these nights.  Read more about this topic from a previous post.

Don’t engage with the arguing at homework time.  It is usually done to get more help or to suck the parent into doing it with/for them.  Not worth it.  Help up front, at the beginning, even do the first one with them, but then set the boundary, let them know what they need to do to be “done” and then don’t come back until then except to praise for independent work and effort.  Don’t allow your child to access more help (less effort on their part) by arguing, whining and complaining.  Let the access to preferred activities be the source of power (e.g., “as soon as you get that done, you can have your iPod and Wii”).  Don’t force it.  It will ruin your night and nothing good will come of it (even if you finally forced him to complete the spelling words for the night).  Remember, this is about long-term.

Overall, a lot of our anxiety and stress as parents comes from not knowing what to expect and not knowing what we would do if something happened.  More often than not, the scenarios are fairly predictable.  Reduce your stress and anxiety by making as many of these decisions ahead of time as possible.  

Create a positive atmosphere:

So much of school-related behavior is based on avoidance of bad things: staying out of the principals office, not getting a call home, not getting a bad home note, and not getting a failing grade.  There is a difference between the motivation to attain and A and the motivation to avoid the F.  See the previous post about “doing just enough not to get fired” for more explanation.  

As for parents, I recommend trying to create as much of a positive atmosphere around school as possible.  Sure, we are all freaked out from time to time about how our children are going to behave at school (trust me, there is pressure for the child of a behavior analyst to behave…pressure for ol’ dad).  Our goal is to avoid putting that pressure on the kid with “you better not, or else” threats or threats of punitive things that will happen if “mommy gets a call from the teacher.”  There are simply better, more effective and more frequent opportunities to reinforce appropriate behavior with positive strategies than to have the fear of possible punishment (that you probably have not figured out yet anyway) control their behavior.  

Focus on what behaviors you want your kid to display at school, not on the “not-to-do” behaviors.  Tell the teacher you are looking for those appropriate behaviors.  Practice them with your kid.  Let him in on the conversation with the teacher (as long as you keep this strictly positive and not “call me if he acts up again”).  Create a reminder note the teacher can refer to throughout the day.  It is so much more powerful for the teacher to remind and reinforce the student with positive calls home, positive notes, frequent and specific praise than threats that are usually only threats.  The bad days will be bad enough…it is often difficult to effectively punish bad school behavior at home (without ruining the night at home and having little effect on the next school day).  Don’t get me wrong, home should not be fun when they get home, but it doesn’t have to be torture.

I hope this helps.