What did you just say?  What were the first 4 words you spoke?  “He only did it…”  AND? Another version of this is, “he is just manipulating the system to get the reward.”  It is often followed by something to the effect of “he should do it because I told him so” or “he should just do it because its important.” UGH.   

The last time I heard this, I was reminded of a recent time at my own house with our 3 year old.  He was one “sharing point” away from earning his reward (a mini ice cream cone…waaaayy worth it) when he VERY noticeably went over to our hobbling 17 month old, grabbed her hand gently and as he walked her very cutely to his room, looked back at us and said, “let’s go share my toys, little sister.”  We smiled, said something to each other that started with “that little…,” waited a few moments and delivered that last sharing point.  

The motivation of that last sharing point created an opportunity for us to either take advantage of the fact the behavior occurred, or be wrapped up that he was being “manipulative” and ignore a behavior we were working so hard to achieve.

Here is the lesson. 

If we set things up correctly, we can take advantage of the fact your son is “taking advantage of the system.”  If you can set aside and control access to desired items and activities such as the computer, PlayStation, skateboard, or a mini ice cream cone and deliver them after he completes his chores and homework or uses nice words with his sister, then you are in fine shape.  We are all motivated by different things.  We all behave in ways that have benefitted us in the past.  Just because your son is (currently) motivated more by access to a computer game than by the satisfaction of a clean room or completed homework does not mean it is “manipulative” in a bad way.  The fact that he did it and that you reinforced it in a way that is meaningful to him is the important factor.  The natural “satisfaction” and “just because you should want to earn the A in Science” motivations will come later. 

Again, the important part is that the behavior occurs in the first place.  You cannot reinforce what does not occur.  We’ll worry about fading into more natural reinforcers later.

I was recently listening to a Zig Ziglar podcast (3/18/11) and he told a story that is incredibly relevant and fun to think about when talking about parenting and changing behavior.  The story goes something like this:

The famous music instructor Sinichi Suzuki, founder of the “Suzuki method” of music instruction, was widely known for reinventing the way music is taught (and learned).  It was a huge shift in the culture, but produced incredible results, so much we are still talking about it today.  One of the things he was known for was the age at which he started the “instruction:” in the crib!  Yep.  In the crib.  No, he wasn’t teaching chord progressions, but one of the first things he taught was…the bow (not the horse -haired stick used on violins, but the act of bowing as you do at the end of a performance).

What an incredible thought!  Think about it.  He first taught the children, very young children, to do the thing that resulted in applause and cheering…FIRST!  They experienced the incredible effects of accolade.  He primed them to receive the experience and benefits of praise.  From there, everything else was done to reach the point of the bow.  An incredible motivation was taught. These musicians all worked for the rest of their careers to achieve the bow, which resulted in the applause and accolades.  It took more and more to achieve it, but the experience with the bow and the praise was deep and powerful.  Powerful enough to sustain incredible training, work and effort.

Now, there is a lot more that goes into the musical part of the teaching, but this is a lesson we can all take to heart. 

In the behavior analysis world, we call this “backwards chaining,” which refers to teaching the last step of a “chain” of behaviors so reinforcement (praise, etc.) can be achieved immediately.  For example, when we “backwards chain” making a bed, we teach kids the last step (pulling the cover over the pillows), then reinforce that.  We then require the last 2 steps, then the last 3 then all the way back to the beginning  (the messy bed).  Each step reinforced.  

Suzuki knew: teach our kids how to access powerful and motivating things.  Be mindful of the power of praise and use it to your advantage.  Be spirited in your praise.  

TEACH THE BOW. 

OK.  Here is an on the spot post.  I did not plan on writing this, but then something happened.  A mother sent a tape into Dr. Phil of her “disciplining” her child with mouthfuls of hot sauce and cold showers as punishment for such things as lying and being defiant. Since airing, the woman was brought up on charges for child abuse.  Although that stirred me, it is the fact there are people out there being interviewed by major news media sources who are sticking up for this lady that makes me physically sick!  

Are you kidding me?  There are people saying this is OK?  This is part of parenting?  

I listened to an interview on a very popular talk radio show today with a so-called expert (come to find out she is a writer for the Washington Post that…wait for it…just came out with a new book, and not really a professional on anything other than putting words on paper) and a defense attorney (say no more).  Both defending the actions and calling it “discipline.”  All the while chuckling about times when they themselves “got the belt” when they were young, “got my hair pulled,” and “got a mouth of soap.” One of them was as dismissive and ridiculous to say “I deserved it.”  

Come to find out the child actually is diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder.  This is a diagnosis given to children who have experienced trauma or neglect early in their lives and struggle with relationships (usually with foster parents or adoptive parents) and have challenging behavior problems.  So, to treat this, she inflicts more trauma?  Oh, and when was the last time you attached to someone who abused you?  

One more thing, her attorney had another incredible statement: “Nothing worked.  She tried everything.”  What he meant was this mother had tried every punishment in the book, including some forms that should land her in jail.  At what point was she going to see that punishment was not working?  At what point do we as parents step away and say some punishment technique is not working?  We are so quick to dismiss a positive strategy as not “having any teeth,” so we give up on them quickly, yet some parents punish, punish and punish more and refuse to see the irony when they blame it on other things…thinking “punishment” just inherently works.  “She tried everything???” 

The actions of this woman were reprehensible.  The actions of those who defend her actions as “discipline” are despicable. 

Please understand that if normal forms of punishment are not working with your child, it does not mean you should increase the intensity of the punishment.  This results in incredibly harmful side effects to the children, some being more challenging behaviors.  I’m not against some forms of punishment, when used appropriately.  Seek good, qualified help if you are having trouble.  Seek people who know, understand and are trained specifically in behavior.  This is not work to be done on a couch, “talking through feelings.”  This is hard.  It can’t be “talked out.”   Also, be careful of who you read…this lady is a reporter and she put the listener in a position to expect her to be an expert on raising children.  

Be smarter.  Be compassionate.  Seek help if you need it.

It starts with a kid with a well prepared meal: 

KID: “I don’t want anymore!”  

PARENT: “You need to finish your dinner”

KID: “But I don’t want it anymore!  I’m not hungry!”

PARENT: “You need to eat, especially those green beans you haven’t touched yet.  EAT”

KID: (starting down at the plate with lip pooched out and hands holding his head)

TIME ELAPSES MAYBE WITH A LITTLE MORE BACK AND FORTH

PARENT: “You need to eat 2 of these, 3 of these and 1 more bite of that” (separating food on the plate into portions smaller than what was originally served) then you can have a cookie I bought for you today.”

Here is the problem: 

Frequent complaining about not eating and the daily negotiation of what to eat, how much to eat and “when will I be “finished?”  It leads to frequent arguments, frustration and not-fun family meals.  

Truly, the the source of the problem is we often don’t really think about what “finished” means until the kid starts to complain about how much she wants to eat.  We never think about how much we would be happy with if the kid did eat “enough.”  We are usually OK if he eats most of his dinner or she tries a few of the brussel sprouts, but rarely is it the case (especially with families who suffer from this problem) that the kid is in the “clean plate club.”  Actually, the idea of the “clean plate club” is increasingly difficult if we are always “supersizing” our own home meals and just hoping the kid eats a bunch at which time we will decide when they are “finished” or have had “enough” to earn that cookie.   

What to do: 

As you prepare your child’s meal, think then about what you want them to eat, how much of what items need to be eaten.  Remember, this is not what you necessarily want them to eat in terms of quantity, but what they need.  It is usually the amount of food you end up offering after the argument.  When you say, “2 of these, 1 of those, and 2 spoonfuls,”  that portion.  Be honest with yourself.  Put these things and only these things on the plate. 

Here is my reasoning: 

I want to avoid the confrontation altogether and take away the negotiation.  You do that by defining what “enough” is right up front: it is what you put on your plate (based on what was said above).  This might look like the portions you would see on a French restaurant, instead of the #6 at McDonalds, but it sets a very clear definition of what “finished” will be.  At this point, you can have the preferred dessert or after dinner activity based on your child “finishing” because you have defined it very nicely for them.  There is no argument about it…it is what it is.  One less argument, one less opportunity for them to learn their arguing and refusal works.  If they finish, they finish.  If they don’t, they don’t.  If they want more, they can have more.

Now, there are people out there that think teaching our kids to eat until the plate is “clean” is bad…the argument is that it leads to obesity.  Different topic altogether.  My point is that the “clean plate” is a very easy, very noticeable and measurable way to signify the completion of the meal for the kid.  We make it so by being very deliberate in what we put on the plate in the first place.  You might find your kids actually eat better when they learn they can’t negotiate their meals.  

bon appetit

Something I hear from parents a lot is “this is exhausting.”  When I hear that, I smile my best smile, tell them, “I know” and then tell them that is NOT going to change.  The right answer, the strategies that work, are also exhausting.  It takes energy.  It takes time.  Two things you say you don’t have, but here is the reality: you are going to spend BOTH either way you look at it.  Why not do it in a way that you end up exhausted and HAPPY rather than exhausted and ANGRY.

Is this behavior thing easy?  NO.  Does it take work?  ABSOLUTELY.  Are there short cuts?  NOT REALLY (by the way, you could spend months and Donald Trump’s trust fund on short cut remedies if you want…I’ll see you when you get back).

Now, here is the good news/bad news:  

GOOD NEWS: if you spend the energy and time in the right direction, things will get better and you will have to spend less and less time and energy on maintaining appropriate behavior.  

BAD NEWS: if you don’t do this, and you continue to spend your energy being frustrated, staying in the abyss of punishing bad behavior after bad behavior, 1) the behavior will not likely improve and 2) you will continue to be more and more exhausted.  It will not magically get better as a result of “maturity,” “going to school” or “dad coming home.” Sorry.

Take home lessons:

• Get up from the couch to prevent kids from fighting before they fight (you know when it is going to happen, but crossing your fingers and turning up the volume on the TV has not worked yet).  AGAIN…You are going to get up in a few minutes anyway when your daughter’s head hits the wall, right?  
• A few minutes of prevention can make the difference between exhausted/happy and exhausted/angry.
• Stay active.  Down time is an enemy.  The older your child, the less you have to attend to this, but then again, the trouble a 10 year old can get into in 15 minutes can be pretty wretched too. 
• Simply recognize the effort is going to be there one way or the other.  Spending it in the right direction makes all the difference in the world, for your child AND YOU!