Part of my job as a behavior analyst is to analyze behavior.  Makes sense, right?  Part of this is trying to figure out under what circumstances a certain behavior is most likely to occur.  Knowing this makes behavior more predictable, which is good in my business as a behavior analyst and in yours as a parent.  We often call this a “trigger analysis,” kind of the same way alcoholics identify “triggers” for drinking (i.e., things that make drinking more likely to occur).  

So, early on in my career, thinking I would sound smarter than I actually was, I used ask teachers or parents to identify “triggers.”  More often than not, they would give me the famous response, “it just happens out of the blue.” Out of the blue??  Not likely.  So I changed my question:

“I’ve got 15 minutes and I need to see that tantrum.  Can you make it happen for me?” 

I had no intentions of doing it, I just wanted to see what they would say.

After the disgusted look and, I am sure, thoughts of “why I am paying this guy” subside, the usual answer is “OHHH, yeah.  All I have to do is….”  There is the answer.  If you can fill in the blank, you can answer the question and start to figure out why that behavior occurs.  Then, you are on your way to fixing it.

Here is an example answer:

“I’ll just tell him it is time to turn off the TV off when he is in the middle of Dora.” 

If that is what triggers the tantrum, what purpose do you think that behavior serves?  Do you think there have been a few times when the TV stayed on a little longer, he got the “OK, 5 more minutes, then it really has to come off,” or she got the “OK, then you won’t get to play with the other toys” response?  I bet there has.  That tantrum worked…even if was to extend Dora only by that 5 minutes.  (A lot of times, it turns out to be 5 more minutes until I scream again!)  Note that it doesn’t have to happen every time, just some times (look for the post on slot machines in the near future). 

Can you make it happen?  If you can, you can probably figure out why it is happening.  Spend some time doing thinking about this and I’ll post the next step soon.

There are times in everyone’s life when absolute certainty is not necessarily a great thing.  In a consultation with a family recently, the mother asked me “should we take him to that party when we know it is going to be a disaster?” 

 My initial answer: NOPE.  The only caveat was if there was anything they could do to prepare things well enough in advance to at least give them a bit more confidence in how successful the child’s behavior was going to be.  This was a lesson of preparation and thinking ahead of time: why are you that sure it is going to be a disaster?  Is there some way to make those things less likely?

 For example, “he hates that Matthew kid and always gets in a fight,” “when the cake comes out, he freaks out if he does not get the corner piece,” or “she is not going to be able to handle all those kids skating faster than her.”

Think through these things instead of a) waiting for it to happen again with crossed fingers, b) whisking him away from the party right before the cake comes out, c) warning him with a stern voice what will happen if he hits Matthew, or worse yet d) publicly punishing her for engaging in a behavior you knew was going to happen. 

1.    Talk about it ahead of time and don’t act like it is not going to happen

2.    Set up something positive for engaging in the appropriate behavior (e.g., “OK, when the cake gets cut, you might not get the corner piece, so what do you say if you don’t?  I will be there to help and remind you to say ‘thank you’ and if you do, we can do something special when we get home.”

3.    Prevent those things that are simply not going to be well-controlled (e.g., make sure Matthew and your kid aren’t in the bounce house at the same time).

4.    Be there at the crucial time to remind them of the lesson you already taught.  You can do so in fewer words now. Whisper the reminder, the better behavior and the positive things that will result.

5.    Make a big deal out of it when it happens (although you worked your tail off and missed the last round of “mommy and daddy drinks” to make sure it went well).

Some people say kids need to learn from their mistakes.  I’m not one of those people.

Have there been times when you were ready to go somewhere and your kid didn’t have homework done or had a messy room you wanted cleaned up.  “We are not going to Disney until that room is clean!”  The other version is a little less noticeable, but as troublesome:  “We can go to Disney in August if you keep your room clean and do your homework.”  The reality: you are going regardless.  You have paid $750 dollars for plane tickets, $400 on park tickets and have made arrangements with Aunt Margaret who lives in Orlando to take her out for a belated 70^th birthday dinner.  You simply try to use these things as incentives.  Sometimes it works.  What if it doesn’t?

I know what you are thinking, and YES, it is a big deal.  This is an exaggerated (but likely) example, but it happens all the time.  If it is something you want to do as a family and have no intentions of canceling or not going…don’t bring behavior into it!  Please.  If it is something that is flexible and you could do or not do (e.g., pizza dinner), use it if you would like, but make the requirements specific (more on that in a later entry).  These types of contingencies (i.e., if you _________ then you can _________) can be incredibly helpful, but only if used appropriately and at the right time.

Don’t teach the bluff. 

Parched, thirsty and in need of caffeine.  You dredge your pockets for the change necessary to retrieve that Diet Coke from the machine outside some rundown hotel. “I cant believe its $.75 for a can of coke” runs through your mind as you drop 1 quarter, 2 dimes and 4 sticky nickels from your console into the machine. 

Push.         Nothing.         Push.            Nothing.       

Push the “coin return…”        NOTHING. 

Frustration builds and you go back, but go back harder this time and push 3-4 times in a row.  You look around, shake the machine, look around again and kick the *&%* out of the machine (it worked that one time).

This is one of my favorite metaphors for behavior.  This occurs when a child (or anyone, really) does not get the result of a behavior he or she is used to.  Almost every time I have pushed the button on the soda machine, I received what I wanted.  I am used to that.  I expect that.  It’s a simple cause and effect relationship.  But there are times when I don’t.  This angers me and I engage in the same behaviors as we all do, which, at some point, has produced what we want (either the drink or the money back).

Here is the important part about your kid.  When he starts “kicking the machine” you can either teach him that it works to kick the machine by giving in (sometimes as simple as attending to him when you were previously ignoring) or you can continue to withhold what he wants and let him walk away from the machine, only $.75 poorer.  If you choose the first option, know that you not only just taught him to kick the machine, but also that escalating his behavior (from pushing to kicking) also works.  This teaches that when intensity #1 does not work that intensity #2 will and if intensity #2 doesn’t then #3 or #4 will.  You will teach persistence and escalation…not the good kind. 

More on the drink machine later…

Airport security frustrates me, not for the process, the possibility of being frisked, or even the new possibility of someone seeing a distorted, but still full view of…well, me.  I’m fine with that.  The part that truly frustrates me is seeing people go through security as if they didn’t know it was there or what the process is.  Boots that lace up to the calf, huge bags full of junk that has to be rifled through, change rolling around everywhere, just simple disorganization.  You know what happens: the unprepared get flustered, cause a scene, get embarrassed and hold you up from buying your favorite celebrity magazine at the newsstand.  Meanwhile, the prepared stand by, shoes in hand, belt undone, laptop in a separate bin, and change carefully stowed in a bag somewhere.  They float through security…no problems, no stress.  Just another part of the game.

What does this have to do with your kids?  Preparation is everything.  If I can continue with the metaphor, it is the difference between trying to entertain your 3 year old with the SkyMall magazine on a 3 hour flight vs. having a bag of gummy bears, a travel DVD player, coloring books, a Dora figurine…you get where I’m going with this.  Your ability to control and manage behavior has MUCH more to do with preparation than commonly credited.  If you prepare appropriately, you prevent the behaviors from occurring in the first place.  You don’t have to worry so much about the “what do I do if he screams and hits the person sitting next to me?” moment.  You are prepared.  You may be over-prepared (truly, there is no such thing), but that last episode of Little Einsteins softly rocked your 3 year old to sleep, so you can finally remind yourself of how those items in the SkyMall magazine haven’t changed.

Obviously, this metaphor is true everyday, not just with airports and airplanes. The point is that airports and airplanes magnify preparation, one way or the other.  It is true of the trip to the store, to your friend’s house, the birthday party next door and the long rainy day inside.  Can you predict everything?  NO.  But you can predict most things (including overestimating how long something will last).  OVERPREPARE—your plane was just delayed.

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“Can’t you just tell me what to do when that happens?”

Teachers and parents have asked me that question as if there is a simple point and click answer.  I wish I could develop a phone “app” that would allow parents and teachers to click on a certain problem and then, WHAMMO, your solution is there (and I look like a genius).  No such luck.

 With more and more knowledge and experience I have with a particular child, I can make some calls on what to do.  Otherwise, I think it’s like asking a car mechanic “if my car breaks down, what do I do?”  Doesn’t make good sense…there are too many variables, too many questions the mechanic would have to ask and you would have to answer.  As frustrating it is to hear (and I’ve been there), the good mechanic will ask you to “bring it in and I will take a look at it.”  Here comes the second important part:  what you do at that point. 

 “Well, its only a minor annoyance, I will take it in later.  I don’t have time now” is what we think.  Mechanics hate this and often tell us, or want to tell us, “I told you so.  That minor annoyance that would have cost $50 to fix now is going to cost you $500 to repair later.”  The $450 difference is the cost you pay for not attending to the “minor annoyance.” 

Back to behavior…minor annoyances that occur frequently, consistently, or predictably need to be addressed.  I’m not telling you to take your kid into the Doc or hire a therapist when these $50 problems surface (quite the contrary).  I’m asking you to think about the behavior, what he or she is getting as a result of the behavior and under what circumstances the behavior is most likely to occur.  If you can answer, or at least think about these questions you will be on the road again (and possibly $450 richer – if you will allow me to continue the metaphor).