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Behavioral Momentum…ride the wave to more compliance

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“Heading into the final weeks before the race, it seems Mr. Soandso has the momentum that will likely take him to the promised land”

There are so many ways we speak about momentum in our lives. You can hardly get through 15 minutes of Olympics coverage or, gag, the “Race to the Presidency” coverage without some mention of who has the “momentum.”

Momentum is an incredibly important and real factor with the behavior of your kids too, and is a bit more scientific than the sometimes mythical version you hear elsewhere. It is a strategy…a way to get from noncompliance to compliance. Simple, if you really think about it, but not used enough as far as I can see. Continue reading →

Burps, fart noises, and dirty words

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What do these things have in common? They are all things kids do for attention. Maybe it is to tick you off, make the little sister laugh, or get the friends hooting. BUT, what is also important here is these things are also very naturally funny and exciting to kids (and most adults…let’s be honest). Because these things are naturally funny/entertaining, it changes how we need to respond to them to make them less likely to happen in the future.

I have written multiple times about how behaviors that are fed by attention need to be ignored rather than “punished” because the primary reason they occur is for the attention, sometimes regardless of the type of attention it is: positive or negative. You have seen this happen: kid does something for attention, a parent calls them out, “don’t you make that face at me young man!” and the kid laughs and walks away fulfilled. Winner.

There are plenty of these attention-seeking behaviors that are totally ignorable and the best case scenario is to either completely ignore it or redirect your kid’s attention to something else.

But, there are behaviors that are fueled by attention, but also are naturally/automatically reinforced. For example, I have heard many children (including my own) do things without others around that make them laugh or that are appealing to one of their senses. Funny noises, bad words, bodily noises, etc.

My son likes to hear himself burp. My daughter likes to hear herself say “poopy.” They will both do these things in front of people, but also in isolation. This is problematic because even if you do ignore these behaviors, they will fuel themselves and will continue to be funny or entertaining for an undetermined period of time. They will also be intermittently reinforced by the attention from others, which will also give the behavior a bit more strength.

So, there are two things you need to do with these behaviors:

1) Make up your mind as to what consequences you will use for such behaviors when they occur. This could be one of the “three strikes” types of systems I have discussed before, or some other way you can respond to the behavior without getting caught up in the moment. This might be something like, “if you want to watch your shows tonight after bath time, you need to go without making that sound with your mouth at dinner.”

The reminder or the rules should be exact and simple and should be stated positively. Another example, “Danny can stay over to play as long as you use kind words and do not say potty words. If you do, he will have to leave.”

The important part here is not necessarily the consequence (although that is pretty big), but is the fact you are thinking about it, making your decision and talking to your kid ahead of time…before the behavior happens.

2) Specifically and appropriately reinforce the absence of it. If you are having a lot of trouble with dirty words or with body sounds, etc., then make a consistent and concerted effort to apply a little extra emphasis on the non-occurrence of the behavior. For example, “if Danny comes over and you can play until dinner without using potty words, we can order a special pizza” or “you can have a special treat when we get home if you don’t make those noises at the park today.”

This is important because you have to overcome the power of the natural reinforcer (i.e., the word “poopy” is naturally funny) with something else. Doing this will not only allow you to focus on something positive (i.e., earning something), but will also help you get traction on the behavior not occurring for a bit so it will have a chance to die a natural death.

Good luck…poopy pants. BWWAHAHA

Don’t worry about the kids…are you ready for school?

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Alright, whether you like it or not, the time is approaching. Get your new sneakers ready, get your notebooks secured in your binders and zip up that bookbag…schools almost back in session.

As the sun rises on a new school year, there are going to be new challenges, new breakthroughs, new pains, new gains. However, there are going to be many more things that you can predict will happen with great certainty: Continue reading →

Your new school year checklist

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Alright, whether you like it or not, the time is approaching. Get your new sneakers ready, get your notebooks secured in your binders and zip up that bookbag…schools almost back in session.

As the sun rises on a new school year, there are going to be new challenges, new breakthroughs, new pains, new gains. However, there are going to be many more things that will be able to predict with good certainty:

You pretty much know what the morning routine is going to look like. You pretty much know what the evening routine is going to look like. This goes for your kids just as much as it does you and your spouse. The time ticks quicker when there is a bus waiting and homework has to be done. It is just the reality of the school year.

“This year will be different…”

…you say, as you promise yourself to make more healthy lunches, not get involved in the parent pickup-line gossip, and finally be nice to that principal who looks like she always smells something bad.

Here is your opportunity. Ride the wave of the new year anticipation and complete the BehaviorBandAid checklist for the new school year. Answer these questions and you will be on your way to a more successful and predictable school year!

Good luck:

Homework

1. When and where homework will be done?

2. What can the kids earn for completing their homework? (Yes, even if it is the opportunity to play or watch TV, kids should have some reinforcement for completing homework on a daily basis).

3. Is there a cut-off time for working on homework (a time when, regardless of completion, you turn out the lights)? I strongly suggest this and will write more on it as we enter the school year.

4. How will you know what your kid has been assigned for HW? Do you trust that source (if not, how will you remedy this)?

5. Will you check the quality and completion of homework prior to delivery of preferred activities?

 Morning routine

1. What time will you get your kids up? (knowing you will need to get up 15-30 minutes prior to this to stay sane)

2. What is the routine in the morning? Are preferred activities such as watching cartoons, playing on the computer, or having a special breakfast options for getting ready “on time” and can you control that?

3. What time is “ready on time?”

4. What does “ready on time” specifically mean? (I strongly suggest having this written out or in pictures…decide what the “requirements” are for “being ready.” Be very specific and post it on the fridge).

Afternoon/Evening routine

1. Are there daily “chores” or activities that need to be done after they get home from school? (cleaning room, laundry, etc.)?

2. Are there preferred activities that you can control that will be available after daily chores and homework are done (play outside, Nintendo, iPad, computer, etc.)?

4. When can the TV be turned on and when does it have to be turned off? Is there a rule for who can watch TV (based on HW or chore completion)? How will you control that (i.e. make sure the TV is off when it is supposed to be off)?

5. What does the evening routine require? (bath, teeth brushing, pajamas, etc.)? What does “ready for bed” mean?

6. Are there preferred activities that are accessible only if the night routine is completed on time (special books being read, more TV time, night time snack, extended lights-on time, etc.)?

7. When is lights out?

Why?

The reason I have made this list for you is there is so much to be said for being prepared, having a consistent plan and deciding, up front, how you are going to respond to certain behavioral opportunities. For example, if you decide that the kids get special treats in the car on the way to school for being ready on time, go ahead and make up the specific rules for that. Otherwise, you are going to get caught in the rut of threatening punishment as you are running around the house trying to get everyone ready, but in the meantime all you do is get everyone in a bad mood.

Be proactive. Plan your positive strategies so you don’t have to resort to the old stuff that never really worked in the first place.

Frustration Tolerance – How much can your kids handle?

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How do your kids respond to frustration?

There are times in all of our lives when we have to push through a challenge, go past where we have been before, experience a little pain before the gain to improve our performance or simply make it to the end of the day. Our ability to do this is based on how we are taught from a very early age.

Here is a story from our house.

Christmas morning and in the living room sat a shiny red tricycle. Old school. Ribbons coming out the handlebars, bell on the left side, and the metal seat that looks like it fit more on a tractor than a kid’s first tricycle. Immediately, we took it outside for its first spin.

Our driveway’s gentle downhill slope gave our son enough propulsion to have forward movement on his maiden voyage. FUN. As he turned right onto the walkway, he experienced the gentle incline of this path as the pedals stopped moving under his feet and his forward progress was met with a slowing, a stop, and a slight backwards motion.

As parents do in this situation, we sat, video rolling, and offered our encouragement for him to “pedal,” “push down with your feet,” “turn around,” etc. Without warning he stood up like he had been shot in the rear, pushed the tricycle and screamed, “I CAN’T DO IT!” STOMP, STOMP. WHINE. CRY. COMPLAIN. GRUNT. STOMP.

Stop the camera, this just got ugly…quickly. Yikes. So much for the YouTube clip sent to grandpa in thanks for the trike.

This scenario plays out with all kids.

They are faced with moments when things don’t go their way and how they respond is critical. How you respond is even more critical.

If you want to teach a paper thin tolerance for frustration, help early, help often, and respond with the first signs of distress.

If you teach a paper thin tolerance for frustration you will teach dependence on you to solve problems. Terrible. You might want that now (don’t know why you would, but I have seen it), but soon, you will not be there and it will be a bad situation.

“Breaking through” frustration is learned through experiences when pushing through occurs (i.e. is allowed to occur) and reinforcement occurs as a result. Have you ever seen your kid beat the situation…face the frustration and come out on top? Awesome isn’t it? Why don’t we let them do it more often?

Another story from my house.

I recently got tired of fixing the shirt problem our son (same one) has when putting on his shirt (and the excessive whining that occurred with said problem). Although funny as hell because he puts his chin through first and can’t get the shirt over the top of his head so his face is the only thing showing, we decided to let him figure it out since he was doing it EVERY time, getting frustrated, asking for help, and receiving instruction and assistance from us. Tired of the whining and sensitive to the fact that his tolerance in this situation was pretty thin, we told him to have at it (“as soon as you get dressed you can go watch your show – its on by the way”).

Struggle, struggle, whine, struggle, “I can’t,” – SILENCE – “uurrrrgggh” – “YAY! I did it!”

The joy and satisfaction he got from doing it himself is something I could not have created. He did it, and that was enough. Lesson learned – for him and us:

After you have taught the skills, let them be frustrated. Let them learn. Let them experience it. Then, allow them to experience the rewards of pushing through.

Spoiled kids: Do they really have it good?

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A recent article posted in the New Yorker Magazine has received a good bit of press because of the powerful statement that American kids suffer the fate of being incredibly spoiled. The author sites too many examples to retell here, but from 6 year olds with iPods and cell phones to the incredible market for “kiddie couture” (e.g., Burberry Baby – c’mon y’all…really?), the point she makes is pretty compelling.

Amazon (THE Amazon, not .com) vs. LA

She tells the story of an anthropologist from Los Angeles who spent some time with a small tribe in the Amazon researching how the family structure worked and what roles kids played. In contrast with the “spoiled” brats (my word, but you will agree when you read the story) she researched in LA, the 6 year olds in the Amazon were helping with the daily needs of the tribe. They were integral to the daily progress of the family. They did so without asking. They cleaned, cooked, hunted for food, and maintained the living area by sweeping the sand off the sleeping mats (twice day…yeah, I know). By the time the kids were in early adolescence, they were able to manage everything for themselves. They were built to survive in a world much more difficult than the neighborhoods of Main Street America (MUCH more difficult, they lived in the Amazon for crying out loud).

Do our kids really have it “good?”

Reading the story, you might sit back and say, “man, our kids have it GOOOOD.” But, do they really?

There is a story about a kid who, before leaving the house demanded his father to untie his shoe and demanded for him to tie it back once he put it on. The demands were interrupted only by the father telling the son to “ask nicely.” Ug

Keeping them comfy

I have written several things about this situation: a mother whose only desire was to make sure her kids were “happy,” had done the exact opposite, problems with trying to reason with tantrummy 5 year olds, and parents who potentially create separation anxiety by trying to make sure their kids are always happy when leaving them. But, there is a bigger issue here and it is the issue of dependency and expectation.

“What do you need?” 

Wow, I wish I knew how many times I have said this. I wonder how many times parents (myself included) have asked the question and offered help when it really would have been better for the kid to figure it out by himself. “Let me help you with that” is a slight variation of this.

Every now and then, I have moments where I have the foresight to say to myself “let him do it…” or “she is completely capable of doing that” as I occupy myself in an attempt to look busy and coach myself not to intervene.

The celebration  

What happens, much more often than not, is the kids end up doing it by themselves. Figuring it out, working through it, and experiencing the benefits of not only the end result, but the struggle itself. “Whew…that was tough!” A calming celebration. 

Parent or entertainer?

Sometimes we feel like a little of both, but maybe we should do more of the first and less of the latter. I also recently saw a list of 25 Reasons NOT to keep your children busy this summer that proves this point. So much are the benefits of backing away!




Good parent? Yes, but how bad is your bad?

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I grew up playing golf and was lucky enough to receive all kinds of wisdom from coaches and professionals around the Southeast. Some lessons were more helpful than others and some stuck with me because I think they were more about life than the game I was playing.

But, one such lesson is so important to this thing we call “parenting” that I need to share it here. Unfortunately, I cannot credit who told me because I simply cannot remember: 

It is not how good your good shots are, but how bad your bad shots are, that really matters.

What he meant is you can have a pretty decent day going and overall doing the right things. But, when you mess up, do what you can to recover quickly and not make a complete mess in one situation.

Think about that. Apply now to parenting:

It is not how good you are when you are good (although it is nice), it is how bad you are when you are bad that can really turn the day into a mess.

Some families are excellent when they are excellent. They praise wonderfully. They interact beautifully with their kids when things are good. But, that is not the problem.

The problem is when it is bad…it gets really bad.

Arguing, engaging in nasty back-and-forth and engaging physically. The way in which questions are asked is much different: on the good days the requests are made in a way that suggest helpfulness and teamwork, whereas the bad days the requests become demands that are “snippy” and almost with an air of “I know you are not going to do this.”

Behaviors that are easily overlooked or joked about on “the good days” are treated as major punishable events.

Look, I get it. I have long days when coming home to a tantrumming two-year-old and a fiery four-year-old makes me want to close the bedroom door behind me and escape. It happens. It is normal. It is not all carnivals and cookies at our house…trust me.

During those tough times, my initial reaction to a tantrum or a whiny “but mommy said I can watch a movie” can be different than the feeling I have when the same things are said to me after I have just had an easy day on the boat.

BUT…I have to realize that it is “how bad my bad shots are.” If I react poorly in the tough times, the result (my kids’ longer term behavior) will not be good.

This is one of those times I have to recognize and choose not to engage. If not, behaviorally, I will have to make up for my “bad shots.”

There is a lot to be said for understanding where you are emotionally and physically. We will all make mistakes. We will all have times when we are not going to make good parenting decisions because some baggage we carry into the interaction. We will all have bad shots. 

Your job is to make sure you have enough good shots, but also limit how bad your bad shots are.