Parched, thirsty and in need of caffeine.  You dredge your pockets for the change necessary to retrieve that Diet Coke from the machine outside some rundown hotel. “I cant believe its $.75 for a can of coke” runs through your mind as you drop 1 quarter, 2 dimes and 4 sticky nickels from your console into the machine. 

Push.         Nothing.         Push.            Nothing.       

Push the “coin return…”        NOTHING. 

Frustration builds and you go back, but go back harder this time and push 3-4 times in a row.  You look around, shake the machine, look around again and kick the *&%* out of the machine (it worked that one time).

This is one of my favorite metaphors for behavior.  This occurs when a child (or anyone, really) does not get the result of a behavior he or she is used to.  Almost every time I have pushed the button on the soda machine, I received what I wanted.  I am used to that.  I expect that.  It’s a simple cause and effect relationship.  But there are times when I don’t.  This angers me and I engage in the same behaviors as we all do, which, at some point, has produced what we want (either the drink or the money back).

Here is the important part about your kid.  When he starts “kicking the machine” you can either teach him that it works to kick the machine by giving in (sometimes as simple as attending to him when you were previously ignoring) or you can continue to withhold what he wants and let him walk away from the machine, only $.75 poorer.  If you choose the first option, know that you not only just taught him to kick the machine, but also that escalating his behavior (from pushing to kicking) also works.  This teaches that when intensity #1 does not work that intensity #2 will and if intensity #2 doesn’t then #3 or #4 will.  You will teach persistence and escalation…not the good kind. 

More on the drink machine later…

Airport security frustrates me, not for the process, the possibility of being frisked, or even the new possibility of someone seeing a distorted, but still full view of…well, me.  I’m fine with that.  The part that truly frustrates me is seeing people go through security as if they didn’t know it was there or what the process is.  Boots that lace up to the calf, huge bags full of junk that has to be rifled through, change rolling around everywhere, just simple disorganization.  You know what happens: the unprepared get flustered, cause a scene, get embarrassed and hold you up from buying your favorite celebrity magazine at the newsstand.  Meanwhile, the prepared stand by, shoes in hand, belt undone, laptop in a separate bin, and change carefully stowed in a bag somewhere.  They float through security…no problems, no stress.  Just another part of the game.

What does this have to do with your kids?  Preparation is everything.  If I can continue with the metaphor, it is the difference between trying to entertain your 3 year old with the SkyMall magazine on a 3 hour flight vs. having a bag of gummy bears, a travel DVD player, coloring books, a Dora figurine…you get where I’m going with this.  Your ability to control and manage behavior has MUCH more to do with preparation than commonly credited.  If you prepare appropriately, you prevent the behaviors from occurring in the first place.  You don’t have to worry so much about the “what do I do if he screams and hits the person sitting next to me?” moment.  You are prepared.  You may be over-prepared (truly, there is no such thing), but that last episode of Little Einsteins softly rocked your 3 year old to sleep, so you can finally remind yourself of how those items in the SkyMall magazine haven’t changed.

Obviously, this metaphor is true everyday, not just with airports and airplanes. The point is that airports and airplanes magnify preparation, one way or the other.  It is true of the trip to the store, to your friend’s house, the birthday party next door and the long rainy day inside.  Can you predict everything?  NO.  But you can predict most things (including overestimating how long something will last).  OVERPREPARE—your plane was just delayed.

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“Can’t you just tell me what to do when that happens?”

Teachers and parents have asked me that question as if there is a simple point and click answer.  I wish I could develop a phone “app” that would allow parents and teachers to click on a certain problem and then, WHAMMO, your solution is there (and I look like a genius).  No such luck.

 With more and more knowledge and experience I have with a particular child, I can make some calls on what to do.  Otherwise, I think it’s like asking a car mechanic “if my car breaks down, what do I do?”  Doesn’t make good sense…there are too many variables, too many questions the mechanic would have to ask and you would have to answer.  As frustrating it is to hear (and I’ve been there), the good mechanic will ask you to “bring it in and I will take a look at it.”  Here comes the second important part:  what you do at that point. 

 “Well, its only a minor annoyance, I will take it in later.  I don’t have time now” is what we think.  Mechanics hate this and often tell us, or want to tell us, “I told you so.  That minor annoyance that would have cost $50 to fix now is going to cost you $500 to repair later.”  The $450 difference is the cost you pay for not attending to the “minor annoyance.” 

Back to behavior…minor annoyances that occur frequently, consistently, or predictably need to be addressed.  I’m not telling you to take your kid into the Doc or hire a therapist when these $50 problems surface (quite the contrary).  I’m asking you to think about the behavior, what he or she is getting as a result of the behavior and under what circumstances the behavior is most likely to occur.  If you can answer, or at least think about these questions you will be on the road again (and possibly $450 richer – if you will allow me to continue the metaphor).