Your new school year checklist

Posted on by
Reply

Image

Alright, whether you like it or not, the time is approaching. Get your new sneakers ready, get your notebooks secured in your binders and zip up that bookbag…schools almost back in session.

As the sun rises on a new school year, there are going to be new challenges, new breakthroughs, new pains, new gains. However, there are going to be many more things that will be able to predict with good certainty:

You pretty much know what the morning routine is going to look like. You pretty much know what the evening routine is going to look like. This goes for your kids just as much as it does you and your spouse. The time ticks quicker when there is a bus waiting and homework has to be done. It is just the reality of the school year.

“This year will be different…”

…you say, as you promise yourself to make more healthy lunches, not get involved in the parent pickup-line gossip, and finally be nice to that principal who looks like she always smells something bad.

Here is your opportunity. Ride the wave of the new year anticipation and complete the BehaviorBandAid checklist for the new school year. Answer these questions and you will be on your way to a more successful and predictable school year!

Good luck:

Homework

1. When and where homework will be done?

2. What can the kids earn for completing their homework? (Yes, even if it is the opportunity to play or watch TV, kids should have some reinforcement for completing homework on a daily basis).

3. Is there a cut-off time for working on homework (a time when, regardless of completion, you turn out the lights)? I strongly suggest this and will write more on it as we enter the school year.

4. How will you know what your kid has been assigned for HW? Do you trust that source (if not, how will you remedy this)?

5. Will you check the quality and completion of homework prior to delivery of preferred activities?

 Morning routine

1. What time will you get your kids up? (knowing you will need to get up 15-30 minutes prior to this to stay sane)

2. What is the routine in the morning? Are preferred activities such as watching cartoons, playing on the computer, or having a special breakfast options for getting ready “on time” and can you control that?

3. What time is “ready on time?”

4. What does “ready on time” specifically mean? (I strongly suggest having this written out or in pictures…decide what the “requirements” are for “being ready.” Be very specific and post it on the fridge).

Afternoon/Evening routine

1. Are there daily “chores” or activities that need to be done after they get home from school? (cleaning room, laundry, etc.)?

2. Are there preferred activities that you can control that will be available after daily chores and homework are done (play outside, Nintendo, iPad, computer, etc.)?

4. When can the TV be turned on and when does it have to be turned off? Is there a rule for who can watch TV (based on HW or chore completion)? How will you control that (i.e. make sure the TV is off when it is supposed to be off)?

5. What does the evening routine require? (bath, teeth brushing, pajamas, etc.)? What does “ready for bed” mean?

6. Are there preferred activities that are accessible only if the night routine is completed on time (special books being read, more TV time, night time snack, extended lights-on time, etc.)?

7. When is lights out?

Why?

The reason I have made this list for you is there is so much to be said for being prepared, having a consistent plan and deciding, up front, how you are going to respond to certain behavioral opportunities. For example, if you decide that the kids get special treats in the car on the way to school for being ready on time, go ahead and make up the specific rules for that. Otherwise, you are going to get caught in the rut of threatening punishment as you are running around the house trying to get everyone ready, but in the meantime all you do is get everyone in a bad mood.

Be proactive. Plan your positive strategies so you don’t have to resort to the old stuff that never really worked in the first place.

Frustration Tolerance – How much can your kids handle?

Posted on by
4

How do your kids respond to frustration?

There are times in all of our lives when we have to push through a challenge, go past where we have been before, experience a little pain before the gain to improve our performance or simply make it to the end of the day. Our ability to do this is based on how we are taught from a very early age.

Here is a story from our house.

Christmas morning and in the living room sat a shiny red tricycle. Old school. Ribbons coming out the handlebars, bell on the left side, and the metal seat that looks like it fit more on a tractor than a kid’s first tricycle. Immediately, we took it outside for its first spin.

Our driveway’s gentle downhill slope gave our son enough propulsion to have forward movement on his maiden voyage. FUN. As he turned right onto the walkway, he experienced the gentle incline of this path as the pedals stopped moving under his feet and his forward progress was met with a slowing, a stop, and a slight backwards motion.

As parents do in this situation, we sat, video rolling, and offered our encouragement for him to “pedal,” “push down with your feet,” “turn around,” etc. Without warning he stood up like he had been shot in the rear, pushed the tricycle and screamed, “I CAN’T DO IT!” STOMP, STOMP. WHINE. CRY. COMPLAIN. GRUNT. STOMP.

Stop the camera, this just got ugly…quickly. Yikes. So much for the YouTube clip sent to grandpa in thanks for the trike.

This scenario plays out with all kids.

They are faced with moments when things don’t go their way and how they respond is critical. How you respond is even more critical.

If you want to teach a paper thin tolerance for frustration, help early, help often, and respond with the first signs of distress.

If you teach a paper thin tolerance for frustration you will teach dependence on you to solve problems. Terrible. You might want that now (don’t know why you would, but I have seen it), but soon, you will not be there and it will be a bad situation.

“Breaking through” frustration is learned through experiences when pushing through occurs (i.e. is allowed to occur) and reinforcement occurs as a result. Have you ever seen your kid beat the situation…face the frustration and come out on top? Awesome isn’t it? Why don’t we let them do it more often?

Another story from my house.

I recently got tired of fixing the shirt problem our son (same one) has when putting on his shirt (and the excessive whining that occurred with said problem). Although funny as hell because he puts his chin through first and can’t get the shirt over the top of his head so his face is the only thing showing, we decided to let him figure it out since he was doing it EVERY time, getting frustrated, asking for help, and receiving instruction and assistance from us. Tired of the whining and sensitive to the fact that his tolerance in this situation was pretty thin, we told him to have at it (“as soon as you get dressed you can go watch your show – its on by the way”).

Struggle, struggle, whine, struggle, “I can’t,” – SILENCE – “uurrrrgggh” – “YAY! I did it!”

The joy and satisfaction he got from doing it himself is something I could not have created. He did it, and that was enough. Lesson learned – for him and us:

After you have taught the skills, let them be frustrated. Let them learn. Let them experience it. Then, allow them to experience the rewards of pushing through.

Spoiled kids: Do they really have it good?

Posted on by
Reply

     

A recent article posted in the New Yorker Magazine has received a good bit of press because of the powerful statement that American kids suffer the fate of being incredibly spoiled. The author sites too many examples to retell here, but from 6 year olds with iPods and cell phones to the incredible market for “kiddie couture” (e.g., Burberry Baby – c’mon y’all…really?), the point she makes is pretty compelling.

Amazon (THE Amazon, not .com) vs. LA

She tells the story of an anthropologist from Los Angeles who spent some time with a small tribe in the Amazon researching how the family structure worked and what roles kids played. In contrast with the “spoiled” brats (my word, but you will agree when you read the story) she researched in LA, the 6 year olds in the Amazon were helping with the daily needs of the tribe. They were integral to the daily progress of the family. They did so without asking. They cleaned, cooked, hunted for food, and maintained the living area by sweeping the sand off the sleeping mats (twice day…yeah, I know). By the time the kids were in early adolescence, they were able to manage everything for themselves. They were built to survive in a world much more difficult than the neighborhoods of Main Street America (MUCH more difficult, they lived in the Amazon for crying out loud).

Do our kids really have it “good?”

Reading the story, you might sit back and say, “man, our kids have it GOOOOD.” But, do they really?

There is a story about a kid who, before leaving the house demanded his father to untie his shoe and demanded for him to tie it back once he put it on. The demands were interrupted only by the father telling the son to “ask nicely.” Ug

Keeping them comfy

I have written several things about this situation: a mother whose only desire was to make sure her kids were “happy,” had done the exact opposite, problems with trying to reason with tantrummy 5 year olds, and parents who potentially create separation anxiety by trying to make sure their kids are always happy when leaving them. But, there is a bigger issue here and it is the issue of dependency and expectation.

“What do you need?” 

Wow, I wish I knew how many times I have said this. I wonder how many times parents (myself included) have asked the question and offered help when it really would have been better for the kid to figure it out by himself. “Let me help you with that” is a slight variation of this.

Every now and then, I have moments where I have the foresight to say to myself “let him do it…” or “she is completely capable of doing that” as I occupy myself in an attempt to look busy and coach myself not to intervene.

The celebration  

What happens, much more often than not, is the kids end up doing it by themselves. Figuring it out, working through it, and experiencing the benefits of not only the end result, but the struggle itself. “Whew…that was tough!” A calming celebration. 

Parent or entertainer?

Sometimes we feel like a little of both, but maybe we should do more of the first and less of the latter. I also recently saw a list of 25 Reasons NOT to keep your children busy this summer that proves this point. So much are the benefits of backing away!




Good parent? Yes, but how bad is your bad?

Posted on by
Reply

       

I grew up playing golf and was lucky enough to receive all kinds of wisdom from coaches and professionals around the Southeast. Some lessons were more helpful than others and some stuck with me because I think they were more about life than the game I was playing.

But, one such lesson is so important to this thing we call “parenting” that I need to share it here. Unfortunately, I cannot credit who told me because I simply cannot remember: 

It is not how good your good shots are, but how bad your bad shots are, that really matters.

What he meant is you can have a pretty decent day going and overall doing the right things. But, when you mess up, do what you can to recover quickly and not make a complete mess in one situation.

Think about that. Apply now to parenting:

It is not how good you are when you are good (although it is nice), it is how bad you are when you are bad that can really turn the day into a mess.

Some families are excellent when they are excellent. They praise wonderfully. They interact beautifully with their kids when things are good. But, that is not the problem.

The problem is when it is bad…it gets really bad.

Arguing, engaging in nasty back-and-forth and engaging physically. The way in which questions are asked is much different: on the good days the requests are made in a way that suggest helpfulness and teamwork, whereas the bad days the requests become demands that are “snippy” and almost with an air of “I know you are not going to do this.”

Behaviors that are easily overlooked or joked about on “the good days” are treated as major punishable events.

Look, I get it. I have long days when coming home to a tantrumming two-year-old and a fiery four-year-old makes me want to close the bedroom door behind me and escape. It happens. It is normal. It is not all carnivals and cookies at our house…trust me.

During those tough times, my initial reaction to a tantrum or a whiny “but mommy said I can watch a movie” can be different than the feeling I have when the same things are said to me after I have just had an easy day on the boat.

BUT…I have to realize that it is “how bad my bad shots are.” If I react poorly in the tough times, the result (my kids’ longer term behavior) will not be good.

This is one of those times I have to recognize and choose not to engage. If not, behaviorally, I will have to make up for my “bad shots.”

There is a lot to be said for understanding where you are emotionally and physically. We will all make mistakes. We will all have times when we are not going to make good parenting decisions because some baggage we carry into the interaction. We will all have bad shots. 

Your job is to make sure you have enough good shots, but also limit how bad your bad shots are.

5 things your kid’s swimming teacher can teach you about parenting

Posted on by
Reply

       

Alright, so you’re not ready to listen to parenting advice from a hunky college kid teaching your kid how to swim?

Not learning anything from the “too skinny to be healthy, but I’m secretly jealous” local high school girl teaching the backstroke?

Maybe you should pay a little more attention, because deep down inside those tanned bodies, they are teaching you valuable lessons about parenting:

1. Anytime your mouth is below water, blow bubbles (Simple rules win!)

Look, the consequences of breathing under water are a bit more daunting than the consequences of not picking up after playtime, so its important for the kids to follow this direction. But the rule is very simple…blow out of your mouth when under water. It is that simple, because it is that important.

At home, make very simple rules when its really important. Follow through with them. At the very beginning, do not let them error. Be there to make sure they do it the right way. Encourage them and remind them…

2. See how big a splash you can make with your feet (Turn things into a game)

Your swim coach would never try to get your kid to kick their legs and feet by talking to them about propulsion and flotation. They get them to kick their feet by simply making it fun to kick their feet AND by giving them a way to get immediate feedback for doing it correctly (if they do it correctly, the larger the splash will be).

I think too often parents get into the mode of over-explaining, over-rationalizing and lecturing about the “whys” instead of the “hows.” Really, it is more important, at their age, how they engage in the behavior and experience the benefits of it rather than understanding why they should do it, why it makes sense, etc.

3. Swim to the edge (Early success matters)

Your kid’s swimming coach would never start your kids at the middle and tell them to swim to the edge…hope you make it! Hunky McSwimmerton starts your kid close to the edge and with his hand holding your little swimmer up, he gets the legs kicking and gently pushes him to the edge of the pool. Then the cheering begins! You’re a swimmer! Success not only breeds success, but it also builds a history with making it to the edge. Slowly, Tini Bikini backs up with your kid, but only to a distance she knows your kid will make. 

Too many times we start our kids “in the middle” and expect them to “swim” to the edge. We start with “clean your room” or “do your laundry” without starting them at a point of success and fading out to what we really want. This goes for quality too. Your “clean” room might not be your kid’s “clean” room. Start with success and fade out…maintaining that success.

4. Roll over if you get in trouble (Teach self-help and resiliency)

One of the things I recently saw a few kids do in the pool which was pretty neat was when they got in trouble (swam too far out or got too far from the parent), they rolled over on their backs to catch a few breaths and either called out for the parent or reset themselves to make it to the edge. Turns out, this is something they were taught in swimming class.

There are times when kids get upset for good reasons and also for reasons that are pretty ridiculous. Its gonna happen. They need to know how to reset themselves and calmly be able to access help or calm themselves enough to assess the situation and get out. When another kid takes a toy, when milk is spilled, when the show turns off all of a sudden when the power goes out. Resiliency is huge for kids. Teach them to be able to handle when things don’t go their way. This is huge (as is rolling over in the water to catch a breath).

5. I’ve gotcha (Be there to ensure success, reward effort and protect, just in case)

Teaching your kid that you will be there to support them, to make sure they learn easy and hard lessons (what it feels like when water goes in your nose or when you get a little too ambitious and have to roll on your back to breathe), and to catch them if they really get in a hard spot is something we can all strive to do on a daily basis.

When it is all said and done…we are still parents. We will protect above and beyond all things.

Alright guys, spread some Zinc on your nose, spin a whistle around your fingers and slide on a new pair of shades…you’re ready! 

What happens when one kid sucks all your energy…and what to do

Posted on by
5

       

When my wife was pregnant with our second child, we got all the usual comments about the difference between parenting one kid vs. two. I even heard some ridiculous statement about, “you’re really never a parent until your second child.” CRAP. Be quiet.

I’m pretty sure I was a parent when I was changing diapers, cleaning up puke, sticking thermometers in places they really should not go, and doing 4:00 am feedings before leaving for work at 5:00. Don’t even ask my wife…I’m pretty sure she immediately felt like a parent the moment that child crowned…just saying.

With all this said, there are some things that are only experienced when you do have more than one child. Every family with multiple kids I work with experiences the same problems, and we have even experienced it in our own home.

It is the situation when one of the children completely sucks the energy out of the day. Tantrums, demanding, and “NO!” is the answer for everything EXCEPT when you ask, “are you trying to ruin my day?” – you already knew the answer to that. 

It can consume you.

But, what you might not realize is that it is also likely consuming your other child too.

The hard part is not going down with the ship. It is very easy to get wrapped up in the tug-of-war with the kid who is clearly not in control and continue with the back and forth, but it is imperative that you don’t. There is nothing to be gained and a lot to be lost.

Here is what to do when it happens(you’ll feel it as you increasingly react and respond to simple little things and utter that gutteral grunt, “uuuuhhhhhh” for something that is usually easily overlooked):

Concentrate your efforts and energy on the other kid: the one doing what you want (or at least doing whatever she is doing quietly).

When I talk about this to parents, I will say, “control what you can control” or “go with the one who is the most likely to follow you.” Its not giving up on the other kid, it is simply redirecting your attention towards the child who deserves the attention.

Make cookies, play a game, take a walk…do something a little out of the ordinary or something the child really likes. You can even be blatant with it,

“since your sister is having some trouble this morning, I figure you and I can do make those cookies you wanted to make last week. You have been so nice and calm this morning, I think you deserve it. Whaddaya think?”

(Do not say this loudly as to try to affect the child who is behaving poorly…thats ridiculous, mean-spirited and will be ineffective).That is not what this is about. This is about focusing your energy and attention in the right direction.

The reality is you will be exhausted at the end of the day one way or the other.

If you do it right, your energy will be positively spent and you will be exhausted happy rather than exhausted mad.

What if…

Hopefully, the kid who is on your last nerve will come around and see what fun is being had by all and shape into place. If he does, welcome him in: this is the time when you can either get the ball rolling in the right direction or re-engage the behavior death spiral that started all of this. “

“I’m glad you could join us. Are you O.K.? Are you gonna be cool hanging out with us and being calm?”

If he doesn’t…no big deal. More cookies for you.

Trying to control everything = controlling nothing

Posted on by
Reply

     

I recently read an article called Letting Go of Control. I thought it was going to be about parents who try to control everything, but it turns out it was a more about marriage and day-to-day life, although the example given was something I think all parents can understand and respond with a hearty, “we’ve been there!” 

It did make me think there still is quite a bit more to say about parenting and parents who try to control too much. The reality was stated nicely by the author:

You see, control demands that others behave in set, predictable ways. Whether it’s the dog, your friend helping out with the kids, the restaurant, or even the weather! None of these are going to behave completely predictably. Certainly, much of the time you can predict situations and behavior, but many times you can’t. And it’s those times you can’t when you need another approach. 

When you’re in control mode, your first impulse when something goes out of control is to say, “What happened here? Who’s fault is it? Get back on track!” Which will work if you have power of life and death over the situation, but that’s rarely the case. 

Do what you can…then relax

Obviously, I spend a lot of time talking about prevention, being proactive and planning for things as much as possible. It was one of my first posts and prevention will continue to be a major theme of what I have to say. But, it would be incredibly naive to think that all things can be predicted or that all things can be accounted for. Spice of life…right? Ugh.

Things change, unexpected things happen. Batteries run out, rain falls on the birthday party, the waiter is unbelievably slow, traffic sucks, your car DVD player breaks the night before your 12 hour road trip (happened to us three weeks ago)…

@#$% happens. It is how you react that will make the difference.

Do you tense up?

When you lose control, do you REALLY lose it?

Do you break down?

Sometimes you can do more damage trying to make up for the things that went wrong than would have happened if you would have done nothing at all.

One of the benefits of being proactive and planning for things is that when things do go haywire, you are less likely to freak out because you have over-prepared. You brought the extra pack of crayons, you brought one of those weird tubes of yogurt, you have extra batteries. You can go with the flow when things happen.

But then there are times when things aren’t even that predictable. 

These are important moments, as you will teach your kids how to respond when things do not go their way!

This reminds me of several families with whom I have worked over the years that have benefitted from simply doing LESS. In the attempts to manage everything, in the attempts to cover all bases…to make sure everything was perfect and right, they simply did too much. Too much hovering. Too much talking. Too much interaction. Too much fear about what would happen if something did not go as planned or as intended.

You know these people…it makes you nervous simply watching them. Imagine how the kids are when watching you when you are this way.

Plan for what you can and let things fall into place. If all goes awry, follow the recommendations of the article:

1. Acknowledge that the situation is out of control. 

2. Focus on finding a solution.

3. Enjoy what is.

You might find yourself doing less damage, having more fun, and (oh, by the way) making better parenting decisions after all.