Behavior change can be difficult.  It takes time.  There is no “golden pill.”  When I suggest certain parenting changes or a new strategy, sometimes it can be immediately effective because it puts in place certain prevention strategies and takes advantage of very strong desires of the child.  A lot of times it is not that easy or quick to take hold. 

WHY? 

Because you are not only teaching your child, “hey, this new way is better,” you are trying to teach your child, “hey, the old way isn’t going to work anymore.”  Also, the new way is probably more effortful than the old way, even though the benefits are greater.  For example, cleaning your room is more effortful than not cleaning your room, even though we get to have ice cream after you are done cleaning.   Ever thought about that?

Experiences rather than time

Another thing to think about is experience.  We all must have experiences to learn from, not just “the rules.” I will talk about learning “opportunities” soon, but it is important to know there are very few times we learn something after a single experience.  Most involve terrible pain or discomfort (or a bottle with a worm at the bottom).  All other learning comes from multiple experiences of what happens when we do one thing versus the other.  This takes time.  You can reduce the chronological time it takes to learn something by increasing the number of experiences the child has with a particular behavior or “opportunity” such as following directions or cleaning his room.  

If you decide, after reviewing everything, and maybe after reading something I’ve suggested, to make a change in your parenting style or even in your response to your child when she throws a tantrum, make a concerted effort to stick with it for a while and pay attention to what happens.  Many times, it gets tough because the old behavior isn’t working anymore.  Understand the behavior you are trying to replace has a history you are trying to undo, make informed decisions and give it some time. 

Remember, what you were doing wasn’t working either or you would not have changed in the first place.

This is one of my favorite lessons for parents. The lesson is: if you set things up correctly, think ahead as much as possible, and have good control over powerful motivators, you can use four of the most powerful words in the parenting dictionary: “Its up to you.”

Lets think about a pretty common scenario: chores. Kids hate chores and do not look forward to doing them.

Neither do you, but you do them because there are certain things that motivate you: your husband wants it done, you have friends coming over, your wife considers socks on the floor as “inconsiderate,” etc.

NEWSFLASH: Your kids are not motivated by these things. They don’t (and likely won’t) do it “because you should.” You hold the motivation and it does not have to be the avoidance of pain! If you have control over preferred things (we have talked about this before and will continue to, by the way) you lead the way.

Lets say, for example, little Timmy likes to come home and search YouTube skating videos. Cool.

PARENT: “Make sure you get your room cleaned then you can check out the new videos.”

TIMMY: “Im not doing it…nope…I cleaned it last week. Its fine!”

PARENT: (knowing the computer is password protected) says, “OK, its up to you” while doing the shoulder shrug thing that generally indicates “oh well.”

The point you communicate when you say “its up to you:” there are controls and consequences in place that will either make the appropriate behavior more likely in the future or make the inappropriate behaviors less fun and less likely. You got it! No emotion, no screaming, no points for argument.

A couple important things about this seemingly (and rightfully so) easy strategy:

1) You have to be O.K. with the room not being cleaned RIGHT NOW and even today. We are working on the power of the computer to motivate here. Remember: long term. This is not about what makes him do it right now, but more about what makes them more likely to do it over time with as little carnage as possible.

2) Deprivation matters, but so does satiation. Having not played Wii in 5 days for some kids is like not eating for 10. Motivation. However, if you are not dealing with something powerful on a daily basis, you might get some satiation. Grouping things such as electronics (Wii, TV, Computer) helps.

There is a simple behavior principle taught in textbooks and classrooms called the “Premack principle.” In textbook terms it states fairly simply: high frequency behavior can be used as reinforcers for low frequency behavior.  Alright, enough of the textbooks, here is the lesson:

 In terms of getting the best out of your kids, the behaviors that are least likely to occur (chores, teeth brushing, homework, getting dressed for school) need to occur BEFORE behaviors that are more likely to occur (video games, watching TV, playing outside, etc).  It is about using those preferred activities as natural reinforcers for the unpreferred or less desirable activities.  In other words, the “pinky swears” and “cherries on top” promises of “I will do my homework when I’m done watching SpongeBob” can be bad news.  The Premack principle would suggest you would do better if “as soon as you finish your homework, you can watch SpongeBob” (another reason I love DVR, by the way).  We have talked about this before in terms of controlling access to SpongeBob so you can say that and get the best out of Dr. Premack’s finding.

 My suggestions to families is to set up their schedules and their routines to take advantage of these things.  Set up the afternoons so the preferred things can come after all the things that need to be done.  Homework, dinner, chores somewhere in there, THEN preferred stuff.  Get everything you can get done before the preferred things.   It doesn’t matter that the shower is done and teeth are brushed right before going to bed, …just as long as they don’t eat anything or roll in the mud as a part of the preferred activities.  This frees you incredibly.

 Oh, and one last point.  What happens when SpongeBob is over?  You are in the same place with the homework is where you started.  Now what?  You have nothing but a sore pinky and rotten cherries.

A while back, we talked about the drink machine as a metaphor for tantrum behavior.  If you have not read that one…go ahead, so we can move on .  You should learn here that if you know the behavior is likely to occur under a particular circumstance you need to sit and think about why and see if there is a way you can set things up to prevent the event from occurring in the first place and make the appropriate behavior more likely to occur.  Truly, this in where the answers are.

Here is the deal, if you do anything to stop it in the moment, you are probably making it more likely to occur again under similar circumstances.  That’s just the reality of how behavior works…anything that will stop a tantrum in its tracks is very likely reinforcing it (letting the behavior work).  NOT what you want if it occurs time and time again.  

Now, is one event going to teach a behavior?  RARELY.  Are you going to suffer the fate of a tantrummy kid every time you go to a family day at your office because you gave him a bit of a “hush” cookie that one time he was being difficult and your boss and his family were watching?  No.  So the idea here is about consistency…which gets us back to the first point: making sure you are prepared next time.  I know that is not what you want to hear at this point, I get it, but I also think you should get my point here as well.

Here is what I tell families about these “OH &^*%” situations:  I would much rather you reinforce (give in) at the beginning of a tantrum, fit or loud protest  than at the end.  I see this really as “management” rather than “intervention” or “treatment.”  The point is to “stop the bleeding” while, at the same time, limiting the behaviors that are going to be reinforced in the process.  If a behavior does not occur, it cant be reinforced.  Its just that simple.  

Sometimes, I don’t want to even chance it that a more ridiculous behavior is going to happen because if it does, it might be less manageable and, at that point, I would have to give in to preserve my sanity, his safety and the Thomas Train display at the toy store.  I would much rather reinforce a whine than a scream, you see.  So in these situations, it is OK to delver the drink when he shakes the machine, knowing you will have to if he starts kicking it and making a real raucous event.  In the long run (the “next time” discussion), the notion is we have more options with a child who whines than one who throws things, so if you teach something, it is better to teach whining than throwing because whining is easier to get rid of in the future.   Its OK…for now, but please learn from it for next time so you wont be put in the same situation.

Please, PLEASE remember, if the behavior is consistent, you need to go back to the other posts mentioned above, send me a note, and change the way you are doing things…it isn’t an issue of “management” at the point that it becomes predictable.

I get a lot of questions from parents to which I wish I could give them a straight answer, but in many cases, the only thing I can do is ask more questions and say, “it depends.”  So here goes the top 10 (in no particular order): It depends on

… if your “quality time” has actual quality

… if your “time in” is more fun than your “time out”

…if your kid would rather see you mad than not at all

…if your son sees you more when he gets out of bed than he does when he is in bed

… how loud your “inside voice” is

…how early you get up in the morning and how late you go to bed at night

…how much you are trying to do at once (all of which crumbles when your daughter screams at you)

…how angry you are with your husband / how happy you are with your wife

…how much you want to make it work

…how much you believe you are doing the right thing.

You can add to the list on the Facebook page or by clicking THIS…it just depends.

Because you always have them, they take 60 seconds to heat up in the microwave and you can throw some ketchup on there and life is good.  A little cup of yogurt or applesauce on the side and dinner is served!

Maybe its not chicken nuggets.  Maybe its PB&J.  Maybe its hot dogs or ravioli. Not true at your house?  Congratulations.  Maybe you are a gourmet and have all the time in the world to prepare different meals, but I think you get my point: we can easily create preferences and behaviors (not just preferred foods) out of our habits and what is easiest to us at the time.  We often don’t even like the effort of thinking of something different to serve.  It makes complete sense, just don’t blame it on your kid or call her a “picky eater.”

Another way we teach “learned pickiness” comes from what you do after your son refuses the turkey tetrazzini you worked so hard on (or added water to, stirred and waited 15 minutes).  Long day at work, kids are tired and you really do not want to send him to bed hungry, although you have said time and time again that you will.  You also don’t want to experience the tantrum or hear the whining.  “OK, you can have your applesauce” is your bail out.  You know it is a bail out when you do it.  Your son just learned, again, he will NOT go hungry and will get that applesauce, even if he did not get that dessert he wanted.  It was worth it to avoid trying that noodle-stuff. 

You want to fix the “learned pickiness?”  Buckle down and bring the preferred foods, just don’t serve them…yet.

Start small:

Don’t serve the whole meal at once.  If you do, here is what usually happens: 1) you give him his food and tell him to eat, 2) he complains and whines, 3) you tell him, “ok, you only have to eat 3 bites”…and so on.  Doing it this way not only teaches them that whining reduces the amount of food they have to eat, but also makes mealtime into a negotiation.  Not good for anyone.

At this point, the goal is NOT to get them to finish the plate (not likely).  The goal is to get them to accept and eat something they previously didn’t want to eat.  Start with one “unpreferred” food per meal.  The rest should be things he will eat and a highly preferred food.

 Make very small portions of the unpreferred.  Take “bite size” and cut it in half.

Present only a small bite at a time on his plate (that is all he sees).  I’m talking about a plate with a small piece on it…that’s all.  Let him know he can have the preferred food (that he can see) as soon as he tries that bite.  High-five, praise and immediately present a small bite of the preferred (not all of it) and repeat.  If it is a “spoonable” item, just make a spoonful and put it on the plate.  If it is not, just put a bit on the plate.  YOU control access to the preferred food.  I don’t want you to have to take the preferred food away (which is why you present it in small bits).  

 BUT…The screaming

Wait out the tantrum if you have to.  Don’t talk a lot. Don’t tell them why, don’t try to coerce them.  If this lasts for an incredible period of time, come back to it later (not having given any food in the meantime).

Again, the point here is NOT to get him full or to knock out an entire helping of Tuna Helper, it is to teach him that eating new things isn’t that bad.  Stay focused on that point and do so slowly.  You can quit after 5 or 10 “new bites” then go back to old faithful. Don’t overdo it.  Slowly introduce more and more required to get the preferred food.  Small and slow.  Increase this with success. Don’t give in.  Hunger is an OK thing.