Attention seekers and “empty cups”

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Listen carefully and pause to think after reading this next phrase:

Your kids will get your attention one way or the other. 

Read that again, out loud…here, I’ll help

“The reality is that my child will get my attention one way or the other…whether I like it or not”

We have all seen it…kids who do a variety of things “for attention.”  From dance routines in the restaurant to counting in a foreign language to funny fart sounds with an armpit (a classic).  All behaviors that draw attention, both in good ways and not-so-good. 

It starts early.  Not long after they learn to talk, here it comes, “Hey, look at me!”  At least at this age it is obvious.  They are actually asking for the attention rather than getting it as a by-product of some behavior.  It is clear, right in your face.  It is not far at all from “Hey, pay attention to me.”  If only it were always this blatant.

Kids do so many things to draw attention to themselves.  Truly, it is not a bad quality to have if used appropriately and with behaviors that you actually want to occur again.  The problems come from when those attempts do not work.  

You’re job is to decide how you want them to get your attention (not really hard), to respond to them when they use those behaviors (kinda hard), to NOT respond to them when they try other ways (hard, truly) and to realize when they are doing things just for your attention (harder yet).

Lets start here:

I’m a “cup-full / cup-empty” guy (there is research behind this, so its really more than just me being me).  Truly, this is an example of being hungry versus being full.  People will do crazy stuff when they are hungry for food, attention, sex, etc.  Those behaviors get crazier when the initial attempts do not work and they are then more and more hungry, attention starved, etc.  You’ve seen the reality shows…c’mon, you know what I’m talking about.

Same thing with your kids.  If their “cup” is not filled, if they are attention “hungry,” they will behave in ways that often result in attention.  Don’t get me wrong, they might not be doing this purposefully (“I am going to pull the cat’s tail to get it to scream, then mommy will come running”), it is just how behavior works.  If they are not getting the attention, they will ultimately get the attention and likely with behaviors you don’t like and don’t want to see again.  

You HAVE to respond to the cat screaming, your underwear in the fan, mayonnaise in the baby’s hair, the phone being dialed that sounds a lot like 9-1-1, the dirty word or the ugly “where did you learn that” dance.  You have been there. 

If you don’t “fill their cup,” you will automatically be teaching them the more ridiculous and disruptive you are, the more likely it is I will pay attention to you.  EESSHH

If this sounds like your house, like your kids (all kids do it when “hungry”), make a point to pay more attention to the things you want: ask them to tell you a story, help in the kitchen, play a game, etc.  Set a timer, put something in your pocket or refrigerator to remind you – “hey go pay that kid some attention.”  It really does not matter, just as long as you are “filling the cup.”

The cup is always leaking, some kids leak faster than others and require more frequent attention, but “every now and then attention” keeps most kids “full.”  

My bet is the craziness will go away because they will already be “full.”

Do it on your terms…your kid does not come with a “30 miles till empty” warning. 

A glass of red wine in the third trimester

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I have heard from some OBGYNs and several “mommies-to-be” that it is OK for women in the third trimester of pregnancy to have a glass of red wine.  I have no idea if there is anything medically relevant to this, but I think the expression was,

“if it helps you to unwind and relax, a glass of wine will not have any effects on the baby.” 

O.K. Im not an OBGYN, I am not recommending this, but here is why I think there is something similar to be said about parenting:

What helps you, helps them…usually, and within reason

We have talked before about this several times from several different directions.  We make terrible decisions when we are reacting emotionally and when we are stressed by work, family issues or a variety of other things that put us on the edge.  We, as parents, are quicker to react to things, use punitive strategies, take kids to timeout when we ourselves actually need the timeout.  We make things more than they are.  We make things harder on the kids, which makes them less likely to behave well, which continues the cycle.

Now, Im not recommending alcohol consumption as a parenting tool. 

What I am saying is, “what helps you, can often help them as well.” 

If you need a break, take it.  If you can switch off with your spouse, switch.  If you can wake up early and be one coffee in before waking the kids, move that alarm time back and have a talk with Mr. Coffee.  

Be preventive in the care of yourself so you are better prepared to care for others.

This works in the other direction as well.  What is good for them will often be good for you.  Present situations when they are most likely to behave successfully, then you can back off and recharge.  If the kids are getting really rowdy in the house, take them outside.  If the little one is getting into the Christmas tree and the older one is, one by one, taking the ornaments and hiding them throughout the house, play a game with them.  If the playroom is getting destroyed, go in with them and instead of saying “CLEAN UP,” simply say, “where does this go?” as you hold up Mr Potatohead’s shoes. 

If you need to remove one of the kids to another area of the home, don’t drag them; lift them up and playfully carry them around like an airplane.  Make moving to another area fun: take GIANT steps, baby steps, hop, jump, skip.  Before you know it, you are in the other room and you didn’t have to threaten or drag them away from the fun.  You just created NEW fun.

Think of yourself and where you are emotionally and ask yourself if you need a re-charge or a pause button…don’t make your kids pay for it or their behavior will give you more to be frustrated about.

Moderation…moderation.

Good Cop / Bad Cop — Terrible idea

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Some parents try to “good cop/bad cop” to get their kids to do things they don’t want to do or to solve problems with behavior – Horrible idea. 

Lets talk about why:

I assume the idea of the good cop/bad cop originated in some precinct where there was one really nice and maybe overly flexible police officer, let’s call him Softy Sam and a partner of his who was a real jerk.  One day, they were trying to get something out of someone they arrested, we’ll call him Didn’t do it Don.  The bad cop spends hours yelling at, insulting and “breaking down” ol’ Don to no avail.  Probably due to his style and general demeanor, Bad cop Bill got frustrated and stormed out.  Softy Sam, after hearing this, went into the interview room, saddled up to Don, put his arm on the guy’s leg and says,

“I know how you feel, man.  I’ve been there before.  You get into a bad situation with one of your friends, you don’t feel right about it, but things go so fast you don’t have a chance to do or say anything and something really bad happens before you know it.  Then your scared and stuck…you know what I mean?” 

Don looks up through bloodshot eyes and nods his head.  Softy Sam says,”You wanna talk about it?”  Don asks for a cigarette and says “yeah.”

Genius, right?  Works on Law and Order all the time.  

Not for parents! (hear the CHA-CHUNG sound here)

Several things happen if you do this  

Parent splitting:  if this is something you do, you will not need name tags for who is the “good cop” and who is the “bad cop.”  The child will, at times of distress, need or desire orient towards the “good cop.”  The “bad cop” tells the kid to do something and it becomes more of a suggestion than a request.  Has this happened to you?

“Hey, buddy, I need you to clean up your room” 

“Mommy, daddy said I needed to clean my room…can I watch TV first?”

Whoops.  This becomes a cycle and happens more and more if you don’t watch out.

Definition of relationship: What are you really doing when you play the “bad cop,” always being the one to “draw the line in the sand?”  Do you know a “bad cop” at your office?  Do you want to hang out with him after work?  Nope.  Be careful your role as the “bad cop” does not become your role as a parent.   EEESSSHH.

Creation of master negotiators: If parents are taking different roles/sides, they are, by definition, not consistent with each other.  This creates opportunities when children learn the skill and art of negotiation by playing the game.  Be careful with this…it gets worse if you don’t watch out.

Leave the negotiating and the good cop/bad cop game to the guys who play police officers on TV.  

Be consistent with each other.  Always check with the other parent if you are unsure about something.  Talk about those decisions (outside the earshot of the children).  Don’t play against each other…even though it might feel good to be the “good cop” every now and then. 

CHA-CHUNG

“Sit DOWN!” Batting practice for your kid

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Imagine a child who just “can’t sit down,” is “always running around” and rarely sits when asked.  The usual routine is to point the powerful parent finger at the seat (or at the kid) and say more firmly, “SIT DOWN” as if he  did not hear you the first time because you were not loud enough. 

Sometimes, when things go really wrong, one of two things happen: 1) we give up and say something ridiculous like, “OK, then you can’t watch your Buzz Lightyear goes to the North Pole episode” or something even more ridiculous like, “TIME OUT!!” or 2) we get so emphatic with our words that the kid sadly slumps into the seat and pouts.  Neither is good.

This is a lesson not simply in teaching kids to sit down, but to do other things they are not likely to do. 

Many times we try to teach these behaviors when they naturally occur: sitting at church, staying in bed at nighttime, using a “quiet voice” at the library, saying nice words when at Grandma’s doorstep.  You get the point?  Think about it…do we teach baseball players to hit only when the bases are loaded and there are two outs?  This is obviously not the optimal time to teach hitting. 

So what does “batting practice” look like for your kid?

Back to sitting still.  There have been multiple times when we have introduced the “sitting game” to families and teachers.  The game is simple: sit for some period of time and you get praised and you get to get up.   Pull a chair over in front of you and introduce the “game” to  the kid.

O.K. Let’s start…Sit down!”

Count quietly for several seconds (maybe have a timer that beeps, but don’t show them the timer), and when the time is up say, “Times up! You did it! Go play!”  Let her play for a minute (I would actually do less than 30 seconds or so).  Play with her…make this really fun.Extend the time, make up new “rules.”  Remember: it is a game!

Repeat.  Change it up…do some increments shorter and some longer.  Make sure success happens.  Don’t interact with them during the sitting time…the game is to sit!

The objective here is to teach a behavior at a time when the focus can be on rewarding the behavior, making it fun and creating some momentum.  Next time when real sitting happens, the kid will have had a lot of practice behind them with a lot of positive experiences.

This can be used for so many other behaviors.  Maybe its not sitting in your house.  Maybe it is “quiet voices,” “telling the truth,” or “walking with mommy.”  Practice “STOP/GO” (kinda like red light/green light, but using the word “stop” is important) next time you are waiting outside a restaurant.  Make a point to practice when there is no pressure,

when the chances of succeeding are more than the chances to fail,

when failing doesn’t mean you have to carry them out during the sermon or run out into the parking lot because they did not listen to you saying “STOP!”

“Why is bath time so hard?” – Rubber ducky is NOT the one!

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During a recent presentation I made to a group of parents, we had some extra time at the end for me to answer questions from the audience.  One parent raised her hand and essentially said, “why is bath time so hard?” 

Good question…here you go.

Bath time is not hard just because it is the bath. 

There are other reasons why bath time is hard.  A lot of the problems can be remedied even before the water starts splashing and you wonder how dirt got in “there…”

One of the first problems is when bath takes place.  Not necessarily the time of day (although this can be important too), but where in the series of events does bath time occur.  Is it after dinner, after homework, after TV time and right before bedtime?   

It might very well be more about what you are taking your kids from (telling them to stop doing) rather than what you are asking them to do (take a bath).  Stopping a highly preferred activity such as an epic battle of Wii bowling or the Thomas the Train episode right before Percy dumps into the mud is NOT the time to ask your kid to take a bath.  Terrible timing.  When you say, “you can bowl the last 2 frames when you are done,” your kid is thinking “or, I could bowl them NOW!”

Another problem comes from what they do after bath time.  If your kids go to bed right after taking a bath, bath time is like the Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” sign except the sign is blinking, “Your night is over, pal…”  Bath time stinks because they know what is coming next: bedtime, and that is generally not fun.

Combine the two, and you have a problem: most preferred activity to lesser preferred activity to least preferred.  Bath time is NOT likely to happen.

So, have I convinced you its not about the water, the soap or the terrible “Rubber Ducky” song you try to sing to make it all better?  No soapy crayons or Mickey Mouse sponges will be likely to help this situation.

Here is the suggestion: think about your evening routine.  Set things up for your advantage.    Least preferred things (bath time, tooth brushing, picking out clothes for tomorrow) happen first, then more preferred things (Wii, TV time, computer time, preferred book time).  Control access to those things so you dont get stuck taking them away from games or TV.  Don’t get stuck on the “it needs to happen now” thing.  Let the motivation of access to preferred things work.  Stand back.  Don’t force it.  Wrestling your kid into the bath will not work out for you (or them).

Warning…you might have to be OK with a bath not happening or the teeth not getting brushed a few times to make sure the contingency sinks in.  A night without a bath or furry teeth are not worth the continued struggle and fight.  If it happens over and over, you need to find things that are more motivating…your Wii has lost its power.

“The tantrum stopped! It worked!” Not so fast…

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Anything that stops a tantrum in its tracks will likely make that tantrum occur MORE in the future. 

YEP. 

I have had parents tell me “see, that worked!” when they do this.  Interestingly, they say this as they are paying me to be in their living room helping them with their kids.  The irony is usually not obvious.  I usually stand back and say, “we need to talk about what you mean when you say, ‘It worked’ so we can move forward on this.”

When you are thinking about strategies that work, I mean really work, you need to look at behavior over time.  If it really works, it means the behavior you are trying to stop is actually occurring less and less over time.  NOT in the moment.  

If you continue to spank your kid for the same reason…spanking is NOT working.  If you continue to send your kid to time out for the same reason, time out is NOT working.  Also, if your kid isn’t brushing his teeth more, then your sticker chart is NOT working. 

I will say, if you do stop a behavior in its tracks, you now know why the tantrum was happening.  You paid attention to her and she stopped crying? (she wanted your attention).  You turned the TV on and he stopped whining (he wanted the TV on).  You sent her to time out when she was laying on the ground in front of the bathtub and she stopped, got up and went to timeout? (chances are…she wanted to avoid the bathtub). 

Now that you know, what are you gonna do?  Think about why, and get back to me…

Are you a tease?

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Never thought you would get that question from me did you?  I’m not asking the question you think I’m asking. 

What I am asking is…Do you offer incentives, reinforcers, access to fun things as ways to get your child to do something you want them to do, then not follow through.  A lot of parents have this problem.  In the moment, it is so important for the child to do something that we bring out the big guns: 

“I tell you what, if you can make it through this Sunday school without insulting Sister Marguerite, we can get an ice cream cone on the way home.” 

The kid does it…what a star!  Not a peep during Sunday school and the good Sister actually wondered, “what go into your son today, he was a true gentleman.” 

Now you are rushed to get home to get the yard mowed before it rains and you put all your cash into the offering plate because you were still on a high from your son’s success…money well spent. 

“We’ll get your ice cream later, OK?” or worse yet, “we can get that ice cream later if you can help your mom for a bit with the baby.” 

Did you see what just happened?  Over time and experiences such as the one above those “teases” will stop working because your child will learn not to trust what you say.  YEP.  Why would they?  Remember, every interaction is an opportunity (good and bad) to teach your child something. 

What are you teaching here?   What is the more powerful consequence?  Making his friends laugh and cheer after calling out Sister Marguerite’s obesity problem to the class will surely outweigh the benefits of a “not really” offer for ice cream. 

Follow through, follow through, follow through.  Teach your child that when you say something, you mean it.  Teach them when you say there is ice cream, ice cream there will be (and soon).