“Get me outta here!” Lesson 1: Escape behaviors.

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Lets talk about one of the reasons why behavior occurs.  Lesson 1: Escape. 

Let’s take the example of a kid that wants to leave the store (an hour in Bed Bath & Beyond has taken its toll).  He begins whining, “I wanna leave.  I wanna leave!”  You think, ”I really wanted to check out those PedEggs before I leave, so I’m going to try to stretch this out a bit.”  

He screams more and you get embarrassed.  You grab him by his arm and say “If you don’t calm down I am gonna take you outta here and you will not have dessert when we get home.” 

He thinks,

“Sweet!  I would rather get out of here than have some lame fat free cookies any day.” 

At this point, the value of the escape (leaving the store) FAR outweighs the value of anything else.  This includes, by the way, the embarrassment of being yelled at in a store, being carried out by you, or sitting in “timeout” in the parking lot.  Wrenching him up and taking him out is what he actually wanted!   

Leaving a store is an easy example of an “escape” behavior because we automatically think “escape = leaving,” but other common culprits of escape behavior are chores, homework, baths, going to school, getting ready in the morning and going to bed at night.  Kids engage in a lot of behavior that is motivated by escape from something aversive or undesirable.  We have all done it…we call it procrastination (e.g., cleaning the house to avoid doing your taxes).  We identify it sometimes when we say they are “stalling” or “avoiding.”

This is important to talk about because strategies we use to respond to behavior depends a lot on why the behavior is occurring in the first place.  

Very simply, if your kid wants to escape something or somewhere, there is something aversive about that something or someplace. This is important because sometimes the answer is to initially make those things less bad so it is more likely to happen.  If you have figured out what is so bad about a chore or part of a routine, try by reducing the effort, helping, or defining the parameters of success more clearly (i.e., socks off the floor, shoes in closet, books in shelf).  Don’t be such a stickler…if you are having problems with this, you need to do something to make it more likely he will do what you want without yelling and screaming at him.

For actual physical escape (stores, Grandma’s house, or the Christmas parade) listen to your kids’ behavior and, yes, sometimes their words when they start acting funky and giving you signs that you are on borrowed time and want to leave. You might be mad that your calloused feet will have to go another week without the incredible “smoothing action” of the PedEgg, but at least you won’t have to drag your kid through the appliances section yelling and screaming.  

Please remember: not all escape behaviors can be overpowered by the reward at the end, so you have to face it from the front.  Reduce the difficulty, the effort or the time needed to actually do it so it is more likely.  Reward that, then slowly fade back to where you started now that you have created some success.   

“Don’t point that at me! Do you want to make me take you out of this store?”

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I was recently walking down the hall with a group of younger elementary school students and their teachers.  One of the kids (the one I was there for) was a bit “wiggly” in line and was not following the directions to “keep your hands at your side” and a “bubble in your mouth” (funny way to keep the mouth closed, which is to blow up your mouth like a balloon)—see this for why this works.

One of the teachers then went up to him and said, “do you want me to put my hand on your shoulder?” in a tone that made me think she was saying that as a threat of punishment.  Kind of like, “do you want to go to time out?” or “do you want me to call your mother?” 

The kid looked up and said, “yes.”  Whoops.  They walked down the hall together…one happy, one frustrated (I’ll let you decide who was who).

This makes me think of at least 2 things:

  1. We often ask questions that are not really questions, but threats-sometimes baseless or veiled threats.
  2. We often assume some things are punishers or things the kid wants to avoid, but sometimes they are not (it was clear the kid actually did want the teacher to put her hand on his shoulder).

Please be careful and listen out for these questions.  Don’t ask questions to which you don’t want the answer or the answer is already obvious. 

Do you really want to know if your kid wants you to count to 3?  Does it really matter what your kid’s answer is to your question, “do you want a spanking?” 

“Actually, mother, I do believe that my behavior warrants a time out and possibly a spanking…I agree with you…I just wish you would have asked me if I wanted you to count to 3 before”  

CLARIFICATION:  I have heard kids say “YES!” to this question, but in a harsher tone like, “I don’t care…take away my Wii…I don’t care.”  At this point you are in a tug-of-war and you need to drop the rope.  You should not have asked the question in the first place.  Please don’t get into this.  If you want to take away the Wii, take it.  Don’t ask for permission from your child first.  

Be careful to understand what might be punishing (something that actually reduces the occurrence of future behavior, by definition) and what might be reinforcing (increasing future occurrence of the behavior, by definition).  The student in the example above was able to gain access to a personal escort (and the attention associated with that) by jumping around in the line.  Her presence was NOT a punisher.  Sometimes your reactions (although potentially strong and intended to be punishing) can be desired by the kid. 

Ever heard of people “pushing your buttons?”  It happens, and 3 year olds are completely capable of doing it (just in case you haven’t noticed).

Let me know what you think!…”do you want me to have to ask you again?!? Huh?!?”

Too comfortable? A parent’s unending determination to maintain “comfort”

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I recently found myself in a meeting with a fairly large group of people meeting with a parent to discuss the pretty difficult behavior of a child with whom we were all concerned.  Heartbroken, the parent with face in cupped hands said, “I just want to make sure my children are comfortable…I don’t want them to be uncomfortable.”  AHHH, it makes me hurt to even tell the story.  

What happened was, along the years, the parent had done just that.  However, as the weeks and years passed, the work to keep the kids comfy had become more difficult.  It became harder and harder.  The children learned to have a paper-thin frustration tolerance and to react stronger and stronger each time something did not go their way. 

At the moment of discomfort (which came quicker and quicker and more often), their protests and anger were soothed and comforted either with nurturing and attention, access to some ridiculously simple tangible item (e.g. a pair of shoes, a piece of paper, a pencil), or escape from something or someone they did not like (e.g. a store, nearby peer or sibling, homework, etc.).  

The meeting continued as we all hovered around the problem.  Some in the room became a bit uncomfortable when one of the professionals mentioned (paraphrasing), “your child is going to experience discomfort and you don’t need to interfere with that discomfort.  It is reality.  You cannot continue to save your child from discomfort.  It is not working.” 

She was right.  Could not have been more correct. 

Then she said something that was pretty incredible: “we need to figure out why you do this. There is some reason you continue to do this.”  

Her point was right on target.  Lets look at this story from both perspectives.  The kids’ screaming, protesting and anger was functional in accessing comfort in any of the forms mentioned above.  Not good.  Let’s face it: we all live around people with similar behavior.   It’s not a pretty or a redeeming quality. 

As for the parent, the “comforting” behavior was functional in that it preserved FOR THE MOMENT AND FOR THE MOMENT ONLY peace and “happiness” amongst the children.  The opportunities to do this were only becoming more frequent.  The unfortunate side effect of this was children who were more and more difficult to keep happy.

Here is the point:

Children will experience frustration, pain, anger, sadness, disappointment: discomfort.  You can’t stop that, not should you in many cases.  You can teach them how to handle it.  You can teach them how to respond to those feelings and how to get through them. 

When these times occur, and they will (today), think for a moment about this and take the opportunity to teach your child to handle these situations effectively.  

Why grandma doesn’t leave the penny slots….

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One of the best lessons or metaphors about behavior is the slot machine.  We use this example all the time to teach lessons about strengthening behavior.  

In the world of my profession, we measure the strength of a behavior by how hard it is to get rid of it when the benefit of the behavior does not occur (e.g., how many times will you push the Coke machine button without getting the Coke).  What better example than the behavior of playing a slot machine?  People sit for hours on end on these machines, NOT winning, and in many cases LOSING.  

Lets think about why this matters to parents and behavior:

Behaviors reinforced every now and then are harder to get rid of than behaviors that are reinforced every time.  Sounds weird, right?  Well, slot machines take full advantage of this.

How many times will you continue to pull that lever without getting paid? Much longer at a machine that pays every now-and-then when compared to one that pays every time. If you got paid every time you sat at a slot machine and all of a sudden it stopped paying you, you would leave much quicker than you would if you went to Vegas today and sat down to play the slot machine that has been programmed to pay just enough to keep you there. That’s not my opinion…that’s just how behavior works.  How many times do you continue putting money into the Coke machine after it has “eaten” your money?…exactly. 

THE PARENT PART:

When talking to parents about a certain challenging behavior they are dealing with, I wonder how often the kid is getting the benefit from the behavior.  I don’t wonder if it happens every time, I’m just wondering if it is happening just enough to keep the behavior strong.  If I’m talking to the parent about the behavior that is still driving them crazy, the proof is in the pudding (slung all over the wall after the last tantrum). 

This is especially true when the “pay out” occurs after longer and more intense behaviors/ arguments/ whining.  Think about a tantrum that lasts so long you finally give up and do something to satisfy the tantrum.  That’s the equivalent of paying out after 100 lever pulls.  Whoops.

How long your child “pulls the lever” (insert problem behavior here) depends on your consistency.  Tantrums are going to happen, your kid is going to refuse to do something, he’s going to yell when you say, “quiet.”  The question is, do those behaviors work more often than they don’t?  When at first they don’t succeed, do they keep going?  Do they amp it up if that doesn’t work? 

Perfection is not likely or necessary (thank goodness).  I’m simply asking you to just pay attention to these things, be mindful of the “slot machine” effect, and have a plan.

STOP SCREAAAMMMING! AAHHHHGG!

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Your kid is in a fit…you have had enough, but some behavior guy on the internet has told you to ignore those things, so you are.  Five minutes go by, 10 minutes go by and your blood pressure is making your ears hot to the touch.  That’s enough!  Here’s where it gets ugly.  You go over to your kid (hopefully yours, or the neighbors might need to supervise you a bit more) and in a raised voice yell, “STOP CRYING!  YOU HAVE BEEN CRYING FOR 15 MINUTES, THAT’S ENOUGH!!”  

How many times has that kid turned around to you, calmed immediately and in a delicate tone said,

“You know what mommy?  You are right.  I have cried enough.  I really appreciate that.” 

Rarely, if ever.  The reality is this usually occurs not because the tantrum has changed so much as your ability to continue ignoring has thinned.  We’ve all been there and done it.  BUT WAIT…

Sometimes we need to pay attention to and respond to the duration of the behavior.  For example, you might be OK with your 4 year old whining it out in her room for a while, but after 30 minutes of screaming goes by, you might need to address that.  BUT, make sure you do so in an unemotional and redirective manner.  For example,

“Hey, it’s been 30 minutes.  Lets get it together so we can do what we need to do then we can move on.  Let me know when you are ready to move on and we will.” 

Another strategy that seems to work is to take exaggerated breaths with them.  This works not just because of the Zen moment of “taking a deep breath,” but I think more because it gives you a way to respond to the child without talking…it kinda works if you are frustrated too.  If she calms…great.  If not, back away and try again in 5 minutes. 

Don’t try to solve the problem, PLEASE.  That is not what I’m talking about.

If you can’t do this unemotionally, don’t do it.  If you can, it teaches resiliency in that you are not solving the problem by attending to their junky behavior, but that you are willing to move on without getting stuck in the abyss of common childhood tantrums.

Top 10: Time out!

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10 need to know facts about time out:

  1. “Time out” is officially an abbreviation for “time out from reinforcement,” which means it works because the kid is removed from reinforcing (motivating) things following unwanted behavior.

    Therefore, be very careful of where you send your kid to time out…make sure there are not a lot of people around, a lot of toys around or other things with which the kid can engage.  And if it is your attention he wants…read #6.

  2. Time out is a strategy, not a place.  Therefore, it is not necessarily a chair or a place in the corner, although it can and does help to have a predetermined place for this.
  3. Time out will not work if it is used when the kid is avoiding demands, work, homework or something else he or she does not want.  Actually, it can be counter-productive (you would essentially be giving them escape by sending them to time out).
  4. Time out durations longer than 3-5 minutes are not more effective than shorter durations.  Therefore, you can keep the time brief and be as effective.  The whole “minute per year of age” as a guide for how long the time out should be is a myth.  It’s not going to do lasting harm, I just would not feel obligated to follow the “rule.”
  5. It is helpful to have a timer. This is more for your consistency than anything else, so when you start a time out, tell your kid “you need to be calm for 2 minutes, I will start your time when you are calm.”
  6. DO NOT ENGAGE WITH YOUR KID DURING TIME OUT.  PLEASE!  Don’t fall into the trap of saying “I can’t talk to you while you are in time out.”  Think about that for a moment.  Wait it out.  This is not a time to berate your kid.  SHH!
  7. If he gets up and out of the time out area, be close enough to quietly and calmly redirect them back to the time out area.

    WARNING: some kids like this “game” and it can turn into a bit of a dance (notice if the kid is laughing, running or trying to play chase).  If this happens it is OK to ditch the time out and simply ignore and make sure the options are limited for things your child can get into (see #10).  Whenever the child wants something, calmly remind him he has to “finish his time” before doing anything.

    If you do get into the dance, time out might not be the best choice for you…ignoring strategies will be more effective and manageable.

  8. Keep it brief and move on. Wait until she is calm to talk. This is the time to talk about what happened…not before or during the time out.
  9. When you return, start by saying, “thank you for calming down, you are done with your time.  Now what happened?”  Do not force the answer, but do use this question as a barometer for if the kid is ready to move on or not.  If not, tell him “I’ll give you a few more minutes to calm down then we can talk about it.”
  10. If your kid wants your attention and you are ignoring her, you are essentially conducting a time out.  This is a version of what is called a “non-exclusionary time out,” which means you can get the behavioral effects of a time out without physically removing the child.  I also call this a “walking time out.”  If you do this, remember #8 and re-engage with your kid as quickly as possible when she is doing what you want her to be doing (e.g. not annoying you, waiting patiently, etc.).

Walking in circles…

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I was reading something recently that explained a phenomenon that occurs when we are lost in an area without landmarks: when we are lost and try to walk a straight line, we will undoubtedly veer to one side or the other and find ourselves right back in the same place where we started.  Some circles might be small, some might be larger and take longer to get back to the starting point.  But, it is almost a rule. 

Without some way to guide ourselves, without some landmark or way to focus on a path (and sometimes even in the presence of these things) we come back around to the beginning.

How telling is this?  I can tell you parents often feel “lost” having walked in “circles.” Sometimes it even comes in the form of “is this the best it gets?” which suggests we have gotten to a point where there is not a way out; that we should just camp out in the woods and consider ourselves lucky that we found some nuts and berries along the way (or simply consider that our children will never learn to behave differently). 

One more story, then I will get to my point.  I once found myself lost in deep woods (flooded at that) with a friend who was much more seasoned in getting out of strange places than I (he graduated from a military institute and would not be found dead without a compass).  He said, “the way out is that way” (pointing ahead, but looking at his compass).  Pick a tree along this line and walk to it.  Once we get there we will pick another tree along the line and repeat the process until we get out.”  Brilliantly simple.

My point? 

In changing behavior, we need to pick “trees,” guiding points, so we don’t walk in a circle.  We have to stay focused not only on the goal (the edge of the forest), the direction we have chosen (the compass heading), but also check-points along the way.  Sometimes I think we find the line, have the direction, then forget which tree we were walking towards because we finally had a way out, confident we were going to change things, but not diligent enough to keep our eye on the tree or even the compass. 

If you come up with a plan for changing a certain behavior, have check-points.  Review your implementation of the plan frequently enough to make sure you stay on course.  Think about how the behavior has changed (or not).  Check your line. 

Use me and my posts if your compass seems a bit off.