One of the most influential writers for me right now is Seth Godin, specifically his book, Linchpin.  He has made an incredible career out of explaining how people operate and how to make the best of what you can be.  His audience is generally in the business world, but a lot of what he talks about is incredibly relevant to parenting.  For example:

“Every interaction you have with a co-worker or customer is an opportunity to practice the art of interaction” (Godin, Linchpin, pg 57).

What if we changed it to this:

“Every interaction you have with your child is an opportunity to practice the art of interaction”

At the very core, if you think about it, your child learns through the results of interactions, mainly with you, but also with others (peers, people at the store, grandparents, etc.).  Your child’s behavior will be a result of these experiences.  Ever wonder why your child behaves differently with different people?  We use the word “spoiled” to describe the way our children behave with grandparents who take advantage of the fact that the kids are shipped away at the end of the weekend and give into their every desire (more on that later).  Their “spoiled” behavior is simply a product of the interactions with grandparents, just for example.  

Think about your interactions today.  Can you categorize them?  What was the ratio of positive : negative?  Instructive : corrective?  This can be a sobering experience.  What is your child learning from your interactions?

I hear this question pretty frequently from parents worried about their “active,” “aggressive,” or consistently difficult child.  Our culture has become very educated (thankfully), but seemingly very focused (not thankfully) about naming the behavioral characteristics of their child as a “condition.”  It is amazing how many people are so quick to flippantly “diagnose” kids.  Thankfully, I do not officially diagnose anyone or anything or dispense medication.  I see this as a luxury.  My job is to look at a behavior or a bunch of different behaviors and try to figure out how to make more of the good ones and less of the not-so-good ones.  So, that is the perspective from which I am writing this to you.  

Before I move on, let me give you the official answer:talk to your physician or a qualified professional about your specific situation.  The rest of the answer isn’t that easy:

Here is what I say:

Let’s look more closely at the specific behaviors you are talking about.  What do you think is interfering the most with her academic progress?  What behavior is the most serious at home?  What is the most crucial behavior now?  Impulsive, how?  Impulsive, when?  

Usually the conversation results in a conclusion that identifies 1 or 2 behaviors that occur at 2 or 3 specific times of the day.  “He’s a terror at bedtime,” “she freaks out when I ask her to do anything she does not want to do,” “his teacher says he is all over the place after lunch.”  Focus on those behaviors…at those times.  What is it about that time that makes those behaviors happen more?  A lot of times, the answer is fairly clear. Fix that…chip away 1 piece/time/behavior at a time instead of looking at these things as a whole “condition.”

Lets look closer at that. 

If that behavior did not exist or happened half as much as it does now, how would that change your perspective?  How would it change his afternoon at home?  How many other things are affected by that behavior (not getting enough sleep leads to grogginess leads to irritable leads to tantrum, etc.)?  Would that help?

Instead of asking professionals (or your friends, who would probably never tell you anyway, even if they are professionals) about labels or a “condition,” I think it is better to ask the professionals about specific behavior.  “How do I help my child sit down for dinner?” “how do I get my son to stop beating on my daughter,” “I am worried my daughter is not doing well in math.”  There are so many questions to ask beyond the question of diagnosis to get the answer you want.  That is, if the answer you seek is fixing the problem rather than naming it.

Of course…feel free to ask me on the BehaviorBandAid.com Facebook page!

Most parents know that socially praising children is a good thing…lets hope so.  We all know it should be a major part of the way we interact with our children.  Some are better than others.  Its hard to fake.  Some might say, “it’s just not my personality to be bubbly” or “I can’t be that excited after a horrendous day at work.”  I get it.   

Sometimes being “bubbly” or excited is hard, not to mention the pure fact that it is sometimes even difficult to find the “good” in much of anything after your boss yelled at you, you got a flat tire and burned dinner.  I certainly know about “not feeling it” when coming home from a tough day on the job. Why does it matter?  

Why do we saying these things?  My answer would be, “I’m letting her know I approve of and appreciate the fact she said ‘please’ or that she put the knife down when I asked.”  I imagine that is about the answer you would give.  What if how you said it is really boring?  You will end up sounding like Charlie Brown’s teacher (e.g., “whaaa wha whaaa whaa whaa”) and it will not mean anything to your kid. 

People who do this all day for a living (teachers, behavior analysts, etc.) often get into a habit of all of our “good jobs” sounding the same and therefore becoming less and less powerful each time we boringly say it just to say it.  BORING and, worse yet, ineffective.

Mix it up…use different words, be specific to the behavior you are praising, but more importantly, add a little flavor to it.  This will be even more important when commenting on not-so-common good things. There is a difference between your half-jaded “thanks for not peeing all over my shoes” and your very excited “I’m so happy you learned how to keep all your pee pee in the toilet!!! Hooray!”

Give it a try (act if you have to).

I was listening to a podcast the other day from a guy, Todd Henry, who started a business called Accidental Creative whose purpose is to help companies come up with creative ideas and solutions.  Yep.  That is his job, to be creative and he’s darn good at it. 

Anyway, he made a reference to the business world that I think is incredibly suitable for the “parenting world:” the difference between a lighthouse and a laser:

The lighthouse:

Main purpose is to say to oncoming vessels, “don’t go there, don’t go there, don’t go there.”  In a sense, it is protective.

The laser: 

Main purpose is to point directly, with a purpose, where to go.  In a sense, it is directive.

Protective vs. Directive.  Perfect.  I have used similar words in teaching parents, teachers and staff about changing behavior.  For every “no” or “don’t do that” you need to give at least one option for what she can do or what he should do.  

Alright, so there are times when you need to be the lighthouse, but you always need to be the laser as well.  In a world of only lighthouses, your kid will only know where NOT to go.  If you are only a lighthouse, your child will have no direction on where TO go.  Whereas your child might avoid the giant rock in the middle of the channel, if he does not have any direction on where to go, he will likely end up running in circles bouncing from danger to danger.  He will always need you to be the lighthouse. 

At homes and in classrooms, I have seen this played out.  The kid starts playing with something he shouldn’t and the parent says, “stop that, don’t play with those,” and the kid moves on to the next thing…”stop that, put those down,” and he goes to the next thing, “ugh! what are you doing?  Put that away!  Why are you doing this?  Go to your room!” Kids need direction.  Telling them what NOT to do is not directive.  In Todd’s words, it is only “protective.”

Practice this at home…listen to yourself.  When you tell your kid NOT to do something, make sure you tell them what TO do.  Be a laser! (I’ll trust you to be a good lighthouse).

HOLD ON, BUDDY!!!!  

DONT LET GO!!!

HOLD ON A LITTLE LONGER!

Have you ever had your kid do something just to make sure he didn’t do something else?  ”Here buddy, hold onto this” (so you wont grab me with those dirty hands).  There is some science behind this that is important to talk about.

In the world of behavior analysis, this kind of thing is called “differential reinforcement of an incompatible behavior” or a DRI procedure. This can be a fun and effective tool, so its worth sharing.

Lets first melt it down: basically what this means is to get make a certain behavior less likely, you ask for and reward a behavior that is completely incompatible with the one you don’t want to happen.  

Some examples:

The kid in the picture: if cheered for hanging on, he is less likely to kick the soccer balls below while they are cleaned up (the two behaviors cannot happen at the same time).

Little Jimmy can’t run from me in the store if I teach him to push the cart and praise him for it.  Mary cannot scratch her neighbor if she is receives special attention for holding onto her class calendar with both hands.  Sarah cannot run to the dinner if she is praised for her job of carrying the milk without spilling to the table.  John will not be as likely to yell the answer if he is praised for whispering (and the question is whispered to him).  

I recently talked about some of the “incompatible” things I did with my own son in the grocery store including talking to him about seemingly nonsense topics because when engaged with me he is looking at me and talking to me about bananas…not looking down the cookie aisle and screaming for more “chochy chip cookies.”

Another good example is something I mentioned in a Facebook post in reference to the Parking Pal Magnet.  You teach the child to put their hand on the magnet, which is incompatible with running into traffic.  Make sense?

The effect 

The benefit comes in that the reward for one behavior (praise for holding on) can overpower the reward of the other (kicking the balls into the net).  He can always let go and kick the balls, but now the attention is for hanging on, and THAT is more fun than kicking the balls would be.

Think about this when you are trying to figure out how to stop something, because a lot of the time it is not just about stopping something, it is about starting something in its place.  

What would make that behavior impossible?  

Let me know your examples of “incompatible” behavior either through the website or the Facebook page (click the Facebook bandaid at the top of the screen).