It starts with a kid with a well prepared meal: 

KID: “I don’t want anymore!”  

PARENT: “You need to finish your dinner”

KID: “But I don’t want it anymore!  I’m not hungry!”

PARENT: “You need to eat, especially those green beans you haven’t touched yet.  EAT”

KID: (starting down at the plate with lip pooched out and hands holding his head)

TIME ELAPSES MAYBE WITH A LITTLE MORE BACK AND FORTH

PARENT: “You need to eat 2 of these, 3 of these and 1 more bite of that” (separating food on the plate into portions smaller than what was originally served) then you can have a cookie I bought for you today.”

Here is the problem: 

Frequent complaining about not eating and the daily negotiation of what to eat, how much to eat and “when will I be “finished?”  It leads to frequent arguments, frustration and not-fun family meals.  

Truly, the the source of the problem is we often don’t really think about what “finished” means until the kid starts to complain about how much she wants to eat.  We never think about how much we would be happy with if the kid did eat “enough.”  We are usually OK if he eats most of his dinner or she tries a few of the brussel sprouts, but rarely is it the case (especially with families who suffer from this problem) that the kid is in the “clean plate club.”  Actually, the idea of the “clean plate club” is increasingly difficult if we are always “supersizing” our own home meals and just hoping the kid eats a bunch at which time we will decide when they are “finished” or have had “enough” to earn that cookie.   

What to do: 

As you prepare your child’s meal, think then about what you want them to eat, how much of what items need to be eaten.  Remember, this is not what you necessarily want them to eat in terms of quantity, but what they need.  It is usually the amount of food you end up offering after the argument.  When you say, “2 of these, 1 of those, and 2 spoonfuls,”  that portion.  Be honest with yourself.  Put these things and only these things on the plate. 

Here is my reasoning: 

I want to avoid the confrontation altogether and take away the negotiation.  You do that by defining what “enough” is right up front: it is what you put on your plate (based on what was said above).  This might look like the portions you would see on a French restaurant, instead of the #6 at McDonalds, but it sets a very clear definition of what “finished” will be.  At this point, you can have the preferred dessert or after dinner activity based on your child “finishing” because you have defined it very nicely for them.  There is no argument about it…it is what it is.  One less argument, one less opportunity for them to learn their arguing and refusal works.  If they finish, they finish.  If they don’t, they don’t.  If they want more, they can have more.

Now, there are people out there that think teaching our kids to eat until the plate is “clean” is bad…the argument is that it leads to obesity.  Different topic altogether.  My point is that the “clean plate” is a very easy, very noticeable and measurable way to signify the completion of the meal for the kid.  We make it so by being very deliberate in what we put on the plate in the first place.  You might find your kids actually eat better when they learn they can’t negotiate their meals.  

bon appetit

Something I hear from parents a lot is “this is exhausting.”  When I hear that, I smile my best smile, tell them, “I know” and then tell them that is NOT going to change.  The right answer, the strategies that work, are also exhausting.  It takes energy.  It takes time.  Two things you say you don’t have, but here is the reality: you are going to spend BOTH either way you look at it.  Why not do it in a way that you end up exhausted and HAPPY rather than exhausted and ANGRY.

Is this behavior thing easy?  NO.  Does it take work?  ABSOLUTELY.  Are there short cuts?  NOT REALLY (by the way, you could spend months and Donald Trump’s trust fund on short cut remedies if you want…I’ll see you when you get back).

Now, here is the good news/bad news:  

GOOD NEWS: if you spend the energy and time in the right direction, things will get better and you will have to spend less and less time and energy on maintaining appropriate behavior.  

BAD NEWS: if you don’t do this, and you continue to spend your energy being frustrated, staying in the abyss of punishing bad behavior after bad behavior, 1) the behavior will not likely improve and 2) you will continue to be more and more exhausted.  It will not magically get better as a result of “maturity,” “going to school” or “dad coming home.” Sorry.

Take home lessons:

• Get up from the couch to prevent kids from fighting before they fight (you know when it is going to happen, but crossing your fingers and turning up the volume on the TV has not worked yet).  AGAIN…You are going to get up in a few minutes anyway when your daughter’s head hits the wall, right?  
• A few minutes of prevention can make the difference between exhausted/happy and exhausted/angry.
• Stay active.  Down time is an enemy.  The older your child, the less you have to attend to this, but then again, the trouble a 10 year old can get into in 15 minutes can be pretty wretched too. 
• Simply recognize the effort is going to be there one way or the other.  Spending it in the right direction makes all the difference in the world, for your child AND YOU!

Behavior change can be difficult.  It takes time.  There is no “golden pill.”  When I suggest certain parenting changes or a new strategy, sometimes it can be immediately effective because it puts in place certain prevention strategies and takes advantage of very strong desires of the child.  A lot of times it is not that easy or quick to take hold. 

WHY? 

Because you are not only teaching your child, “hey, this new way is better,” you are trying to teach your child, “hey, the old way isn’t going to work anymore.”  Also, the new way is probably more effortful than the old way, even though the benefits are greater.  For example, cleaning your room is more effortful than not cleaning your room, even though we get to have ice cream after you are done cleaning.   Ever thought about that?

Experiences rather than time

Another thing to think about is experience.  We all must have experiences to learn from, not just “the rules.” I will talk about learning “opportunities” soon, but it is important to know there are very few times we learn something after a single experience.  Most involve terrible pain or discomfort (or a bottle with a worm at the bottom).  All other learning comes from multiple experiences of what happens when we do one thing versus the other.  This takes time.  You can reduce the chronological time it takes to learn something by increasing the number of experiences the child has with a particular behavior or “opportunity” such as following directions or cleaning his room.  

If you decide, after reviewing everything, and maybe after reading something I’ve suggested, to make a change in your parenting style or even in your response to your child when she throws a tantrum, make a concerted effort to stick with it for a while and pay attention to what happens.  Many times, it gets tough because the old behavior isn’t working anymore.  Understand the behavior you are trying to replace has a history you are trying to undo, make informed decisions and give it some time. 

Remember, what you were doing wasn’t working either or you would not have changed in the first place.

This is one of my favorite lessons for parents. The lesson is: if you set things up correctly, think ahead as much as possible, and have good control over powerful motivators, you can use four of the most powerful words in the parenting dictionary: “Its up to you.”

Lets think about a pretty common scenario: chores. Kids hate chores and do not look forward to doing them.

Neither do you, but you do them because there are certain things that motivate you: your husband wants it done, you have friends coming over, your wife considers socks on the floor as “inconsiderate,” etc.

NEWSFLASH: Your kids are not motivated by these things. They don’t (and likely won’t) do it “because you should.” You hold the motivation and it does not have to be the avoidance of pain! If you have control over preferred things (we have talked about this before and will continue to, by the way) you lead the way.

Lets say, for example, little Timmy likes to come home and search YouTube skating videos. Cool.

PARENT: “Make sure you get your room cleaned then you can check out the new videos.”

TIMMY: “Im not doing it…nope…I cleaned it last week. Its fine!”

PARENT: (knowing the computer is password protected) says, “OK, its up to you” while doing the shoulder shrug thing that generally indicates “oh well.”

The point you communicate when you say “its up to you:” there are controls and consequences in place that will either make the appropriate behavior more likely in the future or make the inappropriate behaviors less fun and less likely. You got it! No emotion, no screaming, no points for argument.

A couple important things about this seemingly (and rightfully so) easy strategy:

1) You have to be O.K. with the room not being cleaned RIGHT NOW and even today. We are working on the power of the computer to motivate here. Remember: long term. This is not about what makes him do it right now, but more about what makes them more likely to do it over time with as little carnage as possible.

2) Deprivation matters, but so does satiation. Having not played Wii in 5 days for some kids is like not eating for 10. Motivation. However, if you are not dealing with something powerful on a daily basis, you might get some satiation. Grouping things such as electronics (Wii, TV, Computer) helps.

There is a simple behavior principle taught in textbooks and classrooms called the “Premack principle.” In textbook terms it states fairly simply: high frequency behavior can be used as reinforcers for low frequency behavior.  Alright, enough of the textbooks, here is the lesson:

 In terms of getting the best out of your kids, the behaviors that are least likely to occur (chores, teeth brushing, homework, getting dressed for school) need to occur BEFORE behaviors that are more likely to occur (video games, watching TV, playing outside, etc).  It is about using those preferred activities as natural reinforcers for the unpreferred or less desirable activities.  In other words, the “pinky swears” and “cherries on top” promises of “I will do my homework when I’m done watching SpongeBob” can be bad news.  The Premack principle would suggest you would do better if “as soon as you finish your homework, you can watch SpongeBob” (another reason I love DVR, by the way).  We have talked about this before in terms of controlling access to SpongeBob so you can say that and get the best out of Dr. Premack’s finding.

 My suggestions to families is to set up their schedules and their routines to take advantage of these things.  Set up the afternoons so the preferred things can come after all the things that need to be done.  Homework, dinner, chores somewhere in there, THEN preferred stuff.  Get everything you can get done before the preferred things.   It doesn’t matter that the shower is done and teeth are brushed right before going to bed, …just as long as they don’t eat anything or roll in the mud as a part of the preferred activities.  This frees you incredibly.

 Oh, and one last point.  What happens when SpongeBob is over?  You are in the same place with the homework is where you started.  Now what?  You have nothing but a sore pinky and rotten cherries.