A while back, we talked about the drink machine as a metaphor for tantrum behavior.  If you have not read that one…go ahead, so we can move on .  You should learn here that if you know the behavior is likely to occur under a particular circumstance you need to sit and think about why and see if there is a way you can set things up to prevent the event from occurring in the first place and make the appropriate behavior more likely to occur.  Truly, this in where the answers are.

Here is the deal, if you do anything to stop it in the moment, you are probably making it more likely to occur again under similar circumstances.  That’s just the reality of how behavior works…anything that will stop a tantrum in its tracks is very likely reinforcing it (letting the behavior work).  NOT what you want if it occurs time and time again.  

Now, is one event going to teach a behavior?  RARELY.  Are you going to suffer the fate of a tantrummy kid every time you go to a family day at your office because you gave him a bit of a “hush” cookie that one time he was being difficult and your boss and his family were watching?  No.  So the idea here is about consistency…which gets us back to the first point: making sure you are prepared next time.  I know that is not what you want to hear at this point, I get it, but I also think you should get my point here as well.

Here is what I tell families about these “OH &^*%” situations:  I would much rather you reinforce (give in) at the beginning of a tantrum, fit or loud protest  than at the end.  I see this really as “management” rather than “intervention” or “treatment.”  The point is to “stop the bleeding” while, at the same time, limiting the behaviors that are going to be reinforced in the process.  If a behavior does not occur, it cant be reinforced.  Its just that simple.  

Sometimes, I don’t want to even chance it that a more ridiculous behavior is going to happen because if it does, it might be less manageable and, at that point, I would have to give in to preserve my sanity, his safety and the Thomas Train display at the toy store.  I would much rather reinforce a whine than a scream, you see.  So in these situations, it is OK to delver the drink when he shakes the machine, knowing you will have to if he starts kicking it and making a real raucous event.  In the long run (the “next time” discussion), the notion is we have more options with a child who whines than one who throws things, so if you teach something, it is better to teach whining than throwing because whining is easier to get rid of in the future.   Its OK…for now, but please learn from it for next time so you wont be put in the same situation.

Please, PLEASE remember, if the behavior is consistent, you need to go back to the other posts mentioned above, send me a note, and change the way you are doing things…it isn’t an issue of “management” at the point that it becomes predictable.

I get a lot of questions from parents to which I wish I could give them a straight answer, but in many cases, the only thing I can do is ask more questions and say, “it depends.”  So here goes the top 10 (in no particular order): It depends on

… if your “quality time” has actual quality

… if your “time in” is more fun than your “time out”

…if your kid would rather see you mad than not at all

…if your son sees you more when he gets out of bed than he does when he is in bed

… how loud your “inside voice” is

…how early you get up in the morning and how late you go to bed at night

…how much you are trying to do at once (all of which crumbles when your daughter screams at you)

…how angry you are with your husband / how happy you are with your wife

…how much you want to make it work

…how much you believe you are doing the right thing.

You can add to the list on the Facebook page or by clicking THIS…it just depends.

Because you always have them, they take 60 seconds to heat up in the microwave and you can throw some ketchup on there and life is good.  A little cup of yogurt or applesauce on the side and dinner is served!

Maybe its not chicken nuggets.  Maybe its PB&J.  Maybe its hot dogs or ravioli. Not true at your house?  Congratulations.  Maybe you are a gourmet and have all the time in the world to prepare different meals, but I think you get my point: we can easily create preferences and behaviors (not just preferred foods) out of our habits and what is easiest to us at the time.  We often don’t even like the effort of thinking of something different to serve.  It makes complete sense, just don’t blame it on your kid or call her a “picky eater.”

Another way we teach “learned pickiness” comes from what you do after your son refuses the turkey tetrazzini you worked so hard on (or added water to, stirred and waited 15 minutes).  Long day at work, kids are tired and you really do not want to send him to bed hungry, although you have said time and time again that you will.  You also don’t want to experience the tantrum or hear the whining.  “OK, you can have your applesauce” is your bail out.  You know it is a bail out when you do it.  Your son just learned, again, he will NOT go hungry and will get that applesauce, even if he did not get that dessert he wanted.  It was worth it to avoid trying that noodle-stuff. 

You want to fix the “learned pickiness?”  Buckle down and bring the preferred foods, just don’t serve them…yet.

Start small:

Don’t serve the whole meal at once.  If you do, here is what usually happens: 1) you give him his food and tell him to eat, 2) he complains and whines, 3) you tell him, “ok, you only have to eat 3 bites”…and so on.  Doing it this way not only teaches them that whining reduces the amount of food they have to eat, but also makes mealtime into a negotiation.  Not good for anyone.

At this point, the goal is NOT to get them to finish the plate (not likely).  The goal is to get them to accept and eat something they previously didn’t want to eat.  Start with one “unpreferred” food per meal.  The rest should be things he will eat and a highly preferred food.

 Make very small portions of the unpreferred.  Take “bite size” and cut it in half.

Present only a small bite at a time on his plate (that is all he sees).  I’m talking about a plate with a small piece on it…that’s all.  Let him know he can have the preferred food (that he can see) as soon as he tries that bite.  High-five, praise and immediately present a small bite of the preferred (not all of it) and repeat.  If it is a “spoonable” item, just make a spoonful and put it on the plate.  If it is not, just put a bit on the plate.  YOU control access to the preferred food.  I don’t want you to have to take the preferred food away (which is why you present it in small bits).  

 BUT…The screaming

Wait out the tantrum if you have to.  Don’t talk a lot. Don’t tell them why, don’t try to coerce them.  If this lasts for an incredible period of time, come back to it later (not having given any food in the meantime).

Again, the point here is NOT to get him full or to knock out an entire helping of Tuna Helper, it is to teach him that eating new things isn’t that bad.  Stay focused on that point and do so slowly.  You can quit after 5 or 10 “new bites” then go back to old faithful. Don’t overdo it.  Slowly introduce more and more required to get the preferred food.  Small and slow.  Increase this with success. Don’t give in.  Hunger is an OK thing. 

A family of five at a nice restaurant:  2 kids on Nintendo DS, 1 kid on an iPhone, mommy posting on Facebook how “fab the apps” are at this restaurant, “cant wait to see how the tuna is” and daddy on his phone giving a final order to his secretary (therefore cancelling her weekend plans)…

WHAT?! How did we get here?   This is NOT what our parents envisioned.  This is NOT quality time. 

But, but, you said “prevention…”

I have made several comments about how important “prevention” and planning is to maintaining appropriate behavior and making it more likely to occur, especially in tougher environments like restaurants, malls and stores.  THIS IS NOT WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT.  There is a difference between “prevention” and complete avoidance of interaction.  I’m not a doomsday, “what is this world coming to” kind of person, but what does this teach our kids? 

A father’s lesson (my father)

It reminds me of something my father told me years and years ago when I asked him why he is the only person in the world that does not have call waiting:

“If I put you on hold to click over to the other line, I am essentially telling you that someone on the other line, even though I have no clue who it is, is automatically more important than you.”

WOW.  Have you thought of that?  Are you automatically telling your kids that your Facebook is more important than an interaction with them about their new girlfriend or their baseball game?  That their DS is more important than a decent “how was your day” conversation with you?  That a “talking cat” or “angry bird” is more interesting than anything you might have to say?  That your secretary’s filing system errors cant wait until after the bill comes?

“Social density”

Take advantage of what I call social “density,” which is a way I measure the amount of people for a particular area of social “space.”  In this case, there are 5 people in the small area of a dinner table.  High social density ratio.  Take advantage of the opportunity.  Interact with your kids.  Get one of the many “dinner time games” marketed out there (thanks to “friends” of the BehaviorBandAid.com Facebook page).  Leave the phone in the car.  It will make a difference and the effect on behavior at the dinner table and at home will be noticeable.  “Like” your kids in the old fashioned way. 

…the phone rings, daddy gets up… “this is important, I need to take this.”  Mommy gasps, orders another martini and posts “this tuna better be world class” on her “wall.”

Kids fall and scrape their knees, chins and elbows.  They trip over their own feet, the Thomas train on the kitchen floor or the bump in the rug.  It is what it is.  

What is the first thing they usually do when this happens?  They look up to you to figure out how they should respond.  Agreed?  The ball is now in your hand.  What will you teach: drama or resiliency?  There are reams and reams of research that show how important resilience and the “resilient mindset” is to mental and behavioral health.  Everything from depression to anger problems to failed marriages can be linked, in part, to lack of resiliency.  Obviously, there many other factors that play a part with these things, but still, that’s pretty scary.  Sorry about that.

Kid’s bodies are incredibly resilient…something I learn every day.  How about their emotions, though?  You have more control than you think.  

My wife and I decided early on we wanted to pay attention to this.  When our son was learning to walk we decided we would clap and say “yay!” every time he fell.  WHAT?  “That’s just plain cruel,” you say.  “Not as cruel as the alternative,” I would say back.  What happened?  He learned that every fall is not a big deal.  He got over it at a time when he was only falling a few inches (the possibility of him actually hurting himself was very limited, and those times we attended to him).  

BUT, don’t listen to me just because I’m a dad.  Listen to the lesson about behavior: with each “fall,” with each scrape and bruise, they are looking to you to learn how to respond.  Yes, it does physically hurt them.  They will cry when they fall in your absence (meaning they are responding to the physical pain).  If you are solely responsible for making your child feel better, you are teaching your child complete dependence on other people to make them feel better.  You are also likely teaching him the louder he cries, the more soothing he will get.  I know…that’s harsh.  Sorry, again.

When this happens, go to them, make sure they are ok and assure them (quickly and calmly) that they are OK.  Redirect their attention: “hey look at that over there…isn’t that funny?”  Give them something physical to do: “hey can you hand me that baseball over there?”  Make a comment about the fall itself in a light way, “wow…you really took a spill, but you are up and at ‘em…sweet!”  Attending to the child, not the injury or the emotion.

There will be times when its not just a fall or a scrape. That is when you cruise in.  My son recently decided to play Superman off his swing when he was 5 feet in the air.  You can bet I swept him up, held him like a baby, patted his back and head, wiped his tears and uttered the famous words, “daddy’s here.”  It completely freaked me out.  I had to watch my emotions.  I did a once over, checked him out, asked him if he was OK, and then he was back on the swing.  

Although I use physical things as examples here, this also is true of other things like when they don’t get their way, or the indoor playground is closed, or (God forbid) the restaurant does not have something you promised them.  Think about how you respond when your kid falls or when something doesn’t go their way.  What are you teaching?