I hate you…

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photo by *clairity* via Flickr

There are times when kids say things that seem like they are meant to hurt…and sometimes  it does:

“I wish I were never born!”

“You don’t love me.”

“You love her more than you love me.”

“I wish I had another mother”

Ouch.

There are some things kids say every day that are easy to ignore. But, there are other times when they go for the gusto. They really cut deep with their words and all of a sudden we loose our grasp on reality and react. Your ears get red, your throat swells, or tears start to well up. It is amazing some of the things a 4 year old can say, but it happens.

It is important to think about this when there is no emotion involved, no thought about whether or not your child actually feels that way, and no inner thoughts telling you your kid might be right. It is important to have a plan and an understanding of why they say these things so you don’t end up teaching them to use these words more.

So, if you are in a fresh state of mind, let’s get a few things clear about why they say these things and what you need to do when it happens.

They don’t know these words hurt. They don’t know why. This is not the way they feel.

Understand that first. Repeat it to yourself in times of distress or when you are questioning yourself.

Are you sharpening the tool or making it dull?

Your kids use these words for a reason. The words are tools…a last ditch effort when all else has failed. It is an escalation in most cases, but an immediately strong reaction in others.

It might be a sign that your kid’s “attention cup” is running low. It might be the case they are telling you, “but, I really, really want that Transformer and you don’t seem to care how much I want it.” Either way, you do not need to attend to it when it happens.

If you attend to these statements, you will likely teach your child how powerful these words or statements are. Be very careful.

For example, if you have ignored simple attempts at getting your attention, but then your daughter gets upset and says, “you NEVER play with me” and then you go and play, guess what just happened? Yep…you have taught them a very effective and efficient way to get access to you, NOT in a way you want them to.

It is about timing. If your kid is more able to get your attention after using these words than before they said these words, you are going to be in trouble.

There is a time for everything

And the time to reassure them about your love, affection and care is not when they say these things. It can be once they calm down or once they are reasonable (as reasonable as a 5 year old can be). You can even say something like, “I am glad you are calm now, did you want to read books with me or color in the den with me?”

Of course, and most importantly, if you maintain consistent attention, affection and reinforcement to your kid, you can better be prepared to ignore these statements and move on.

And remember…

Try to anticipate these things as they are likely to happen again and understand you dont want to be in the place again to have to ignore these comments. They are powerful. They hurt. Make sure you do as much as you can to not have to hear these words again.

 

 

Newsflash: Your child will be upset at some point…and its OK

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I posted this picture on the BehaviorBandAid.com Facebook Page and several people liked it, so I thought I would share it directly here.

I think what it says is simple: there are going to be times in everyone’s life (including your kid’s) when things don’t go right or you don’t get exactly what you want.

The way you respond to this will ultimately teach your children how to handle this in the future. Will they be dependent on you to get through the tough times? Will they have a paper-thin tolerance for frustration? Or will they push through, persevere, and be resilient?

Check out these previous posts for more on this…

Too comfortable: a parent’s unending determination to maintain “comfort”

“Daddy, should this hurt and make me cry?” How to teach drama

Is your home a balloon factory?

The skeleton key: what behaviors open doors?

Good grief! How long is does it take you to do that?!?

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Photo by Aniket Thakur via Flickr

Sometimes the most important things can be the hardest to notice…getting dressed and ready in a timely manner is one of them. Here are some things to do about it.

7:25 pm –

Walking out of the room where my child stands naked after taking a bath, I quickly say, “Alright, man…here are your pajamas. Go ahead and get dressed.”

From Thomas the Train undies to the Toy Story PJ set, this is a 2 minute task…OR SHOULD BE.

Ten minutes later I open the door ready to read the bedtime story and all I see is our son in some naked Yoga pose over a set of trains perfectly lined up on a new track (like, “new” in the last 10 minutes “new”). “Why are you not dressed yet?” I ask, not expecting an answer I would approve of.

Why this is important

I tell this story because it reflects two bigger issues I think we all deal with as parents:

1. We often forget to notice and reinforce behavior that doesn’t seem really great, but really makes a difference when it doesn’t happen (i.e., there is a big difference between a morning before school with a kid who gets ready on time vs. one who messes around and requires constant nudging to get ready).

2. When kids are slow in doing something you want them to do, they are simply being kids. The behavioral explanation for this is there are competing reinforcers. This is not hard to understand, but sometimes difficult to get through. I will help you out.

Hard to notice good behavior

Simply stated, there are a lot of behaviors that are just not that noticeable, like getting dressed in a decent period of time, picking up something when dropped, closing a door instead of slamming it, NOT freaking out when told “no.” Sometimes we refer to these as the should behaviors (i.e. “he should be able to do that”) and other times the behaviors are nearly impossible to notice (e.g., a flushed toilet, socks put away, having a bookbag put together).

Do this today…yes, you

Sit down and make a list of these behaviors that happen frequently enough, but when they don’t happen, it really annoys you or it causes a hitch in your day. Put this list somewhere that will help remind you to pay attention to these things. Remind your kids before the behaviors happen (i.e., right before they are getting dressed, when you know they are about to go to the bathroom). When it happens, pay attention to them…praise them…thank your kids for doing these things.

Sounds simple. It is. It is as important as it is simple.

Find more powerful motivation if you need

I have written about competing motivations before, but it is worth mentioning again. If your  kids are consistently dragging and taking forever to do things, you might need to set up some other reinforcers or things to motivate them at the time these things usually occur.

Make sure the requirements/criteria are clearly stated (written on a list for older kids). This can be something as simple as a special breakfast choice if ready for school before a specific time (state the time and use the clock in the kitchen) or as easy as “as soon as you finish getting dressed you can _______.” You could even read the posts on token systems and use something like that for these times.

Try to make the reinforcer/reward as close to the behavior occurring as possible. The quicker the fun thing occurs after the behavior occurs, the better it will be. For older kids, can you get away with something special after school for a job well done in the morning before school? Yes, but it will not be nearly as effective as something that they get in the morning.

Hopefully things will speed up a bit for you…having the night-time 10 minute episode of Thomas the Train turned on when we leave the room at PJ time sure has sped up our little man.

“Zoom out” in times of distress

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photo by alexindigo via Flickr

I have often thought parenting is like climbing a mountain: ups and downs, tricky turns, sometimes going down a little to go up and sometimes slowly navigating slippery passages. All of these trying times, however, come with incredible feelings of accomplishment at every “peak.” After listening to a recent interview with a famous author and mountain climber, I’m even more convinced.

Climbing mountains and “Zooming in” on the problem

Jim Collins, the coauthor of the book Great by Choice,  is a mountain climber. He talks about times when you get a not-so-great grip during a climb and things start looking bleak. He says climbers (ahem, ahem: parents) tend to “zoom in” on the problem, trying to find a way to get a better grasp; clinching and gripping even tighter to that bad hold. With each slight move of a finger or shift of weight in an effort to make that grip better, the problem gets worse and worse. Ultimately, if the climber can’t break out, he falls.

Undivided focus is given towards the weakening hold: the problem

Zooming in on the problem puts undue attention on the problem, rather than the solution. Teeth are mashed, knuckles are popping, and fingertips loose pressure. Bad goes to worse.

However, if the climber could simply zoom out instead of zoom in, he or she would notice the better foothold or another better grip position. Moving in any of these other directions immediately alleviates all the problems being encountered. However, if completely zoomed in on the problem, the solutions are not visible.

Are there times in your role as a parent you focus too much on the problem rather than the possible solutions or bigger picture?

I see this sometimes in a wide variety of situations where the parent gets so deep into trying to “follow through” or “make sure the child doesn’t get away with it,” that the parent is almost ensuring the behavior will escalate and cause a much bigger problem than it was in the beginning. I have heard parents say, “if he does not clean his room after I ask two or three times, I’ll go in there and MAKE him do it.” What does that mean? You are going to force it and create a bigger mess than the room ever was? ZOOM OUT, for crying out loud!

I have seen parents get so frustrated with making sure their kid does what they say, that they end up having WWIII when, if they would have gone about things differently, there would not be a problem in the first place. Adding punisher after punisher until something finally hits so hard the child submits. Physically engaging at the point of total frustration. Both parent and child typically leave this situation embarrassed and emotionally drained. I get it…it happens to all of us.

Zoom out!

Zooming out in these situations means stepping back and asking questions about why he is not cleaning his room and how you can make it more likely next time. It is about asking why she always dilly-dallies around in the morning instead of being ready on time and how you might could motivate her to move quicker and more independently in the future. It is about why YOU react so strongly in some situations and how YOU can better prepare for (or avoid) them in the future.

Put up notes around the house, put something on the fridge. Whatever it is you need to do to remind yourself to ZOOM OUT in times of distress or difficulty. Enlist your spouse to tell you to “zoom out” when things are getting tough. Look for other options. Don’t fall off the cliff because you wanted to make that one grip hold. Make it to the top because you found better solutions once you got into trouble.

Behavioral Momentum…ride the wave to more compliance

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“Heading into the final weeks before the race, it seems Mr. Soandso has the momentum that will likely take him to the promised land”

There are so many ways we speak about momentum in our lives. You can hardly get through 15 minutes of Olympics coverage or, gag, the “Race to the Presidency” coverage without some mention of who has the “momentum.”

Momentum is an incredibly important and real factor with the behavior of your kids too, and is a bit more scientific than the sometimes mythical version you hear elsewhere. It is a strategy…a way to get from noncompliance to compliance. Simple, if you really think about it, but not used enough as far as I can see. Continue reading →

Burps, fart noises, and dirty words

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What do these things have in common? They are all things kids do for attention. Maybe it is to tick you off, make the little sister laugh, or get the friends hooting. BUT, what is also important here is these things are also very naturally funny and exciting to kids (and most adults…let’s be honest). Because these things are naturally funny/entertaining, it changes how we need to respond to them to make them less likely to happen in the future.

I have written multiple times about how behaviors that are fed by attention need to be ignored rather than “punished” because the primary reason they occur is for the attention, sometimes regardless of the type of attention it is: positive or negative. You have seen this happen: kid does something for attention, a parent calls them out, “don’t you make that face at me young man!” and the kid laughs and walks away fulfilled. Winner.

There are plenty of these attention-seeking behaviors that are totally ignorable and the best case scenario is to either completely ignore it or redirect your kid’s attention to something else.

But, there are behaviors that are fueled by attention, but also are naturally/automatically reinforced. For example, I have heard many children (including my own) do things without others around that make them laugh or that are appealing to one of their senses. Funny noises, bad words, bodily noises, etc.

My son likes to hear himself burp. My daughter likes to hear herself say “poopy.” They will both do these things in front of people, but also in isolation. This is problematic because even if you do ignore these behaviors, they will fuel themselves and will continue to be funny or entertaining for an undetermined period of time. They will also be intermittently reinforced by the attention from others, which will also give the behavior a bit more strength.

So, there are two things you need to do with these behaviors:

1) Make up your mind as to what consequences you will use for such behaviors when they occur. This could be one of the “three strikes” types of systems I have discussed before, or some other way you can respond to the behavior without getting caught up in the moment. This might be something like, “if you want to watch your shows tonight after bath time, you need to go without making that sound with your mouth at dinner.”

The reminder or the rules should be exact and simple and should be stated positively. Another example, “Danny can stay over to play as long as you use kind words and do not say potty words. If you do, he will have to leave.”

The important part here is not necessarily the consequence (although that is pretty big), but is the fact you are thinking about it, making your decision and talking to your kid ahead of time…before the behavior happens.

2) Specifically and appropriately reinforce the absence of it. If you are having a lot of trouble with dirty words or with body sounds, etc., then make a consistent and concerted effort to apply a little extra emphasis on the non-occurrence of the behavior. For example, “if Danny comes over and you can play until dinner without using potty words, we can order a special pizza” or “you can have a special treat when we get home if you don’t make those noises at the park today.”

This is important because you have to overcome the power of the natural reinforcer (i.e., the word “poopy” is naturally funny) with something else. Doing this will not only allow you to focus on something positive (i.e., earning something), but will also help you get traction on the behavior not occurring for a bit so it will have a chance to die a natural death.

Good luck…poopy pants. BWWAHAHA

Don’t worry about the kids…are you ready for school?

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Alright, whether you like it or not, the time is approaching. Get your new sneakers ready, get your notebooks secured in your binders and zip up that bookbag…schools almost back in session.

As the sun rises on a new school year, there are going to be new challenges, new breakthroughs, new pains, new gains. However, there are going to be many more things that you can predict will happen with great certainty: Continue reading →